Hi - this will probably turn into a long post so I’ll try be coherent…

My wife and I (both 35) have been together since we were 17 (18 years yesterday actually…), married for 12 years, lived together for 14, and have 4 kids (15, 13, 7, 5).  Two weeks ago after what was one of the best days/nights out we have had together in ages (dinner, drinks, dancing, laughing), she told me she was deeply unhappy and was gay.

We hadn’t had sex since June.  And in fact our sex life over the past 5-7 years (coinciding with our younger kids coming along) has been pretty patchy - often months would pass, and generally speaking it would be me that would initiate things.  A month ago we had an argument after I had complained about this which ended with us more rationally talking the next day, where she said at the moment she just didn’t want to have sex, and she was annoyed that there she felt it was “expected”.  I can honestly say that has never been my expectation, however I acknowledged her feelings, and respected them; basically saying that’s ok and we don’t need to have sex until she wanted to.  In my mind there was a multitude of reasons for this - tiredness (my wife is full time carer for our 7yr old who is autistic and has mild cerebral palsy), her own health issues (she suffers asthma and gets breathless and shaky sometimes during sex). 

At the same time since August our youngest is now in full time education (primary school) and I have started my new job (a change to working full time out the house vs being in the house studying remotely).  Both of these have given my wife more time to herself.  This, it appears, has been the catalyst for her coming out (to me only at present).

She said that after admitting out loud she didn’t want to have sex, she took time to think about why.  This lead her (so she tells me) to the realisation that she was gay.  It’s not that she didn’t want to have sex - she didn’t want to have sex with me or men.

We spoke