lily wrote:

Hi Salamander,
Not sure why you don't think her being bi is a problem - would you do it again?
My ex was in same sex relationships before marrying me, but he didn't tell me about them, just about the girlfriends.

Your ex was in the closet, which is kind of the opposite. He was gay or bi and hiding it or trying to deny it, and that's just the person who is likely to marry someone of the opposite sex and eventually come out anyway. 

My wife was fully out to family and friends, etc.  When a person who is actually gay gets to the point where they can openly have relationships with the people they are attracted to, even if they initially identified as bi, they just stop being with people of the opposite sex and eventually start using gay instead of bi.  They don't go in the other direction and seek out relationships with people of the opposite sex that they aren't actually attracted to.  Why would they?  So with my wife, I don't think the problem was actually her sexual orientation.  If she had married a woman and then left them for a man she would be telling people that she discovered she's straight.  She might actually believe it herself, but I think she really has been bi all her life and narrowing her sexual orientation, for now at least, is just a way for her to leave her boring marriage for some young hottie without looking like the cliché bad guy.  Her LGBTQ allies will rally around her and she can make herself look like the victim.  For context, I've since found out that she was lying about money too.  When I confronted her, she just doubled down with more lies.  She just manipulates the narrative in whatever ways serves her, and since she's always been bi, it serves her to exploit that now.  It's not a sexual orientation problem, it's an honesty problem. 

 

I posted this in the group for straight partners on reddit too and got some comments and over 1,000 views. I've also read dozens of people's stories, and as far as I can tell, no on else has ever had this happen with a partner that was out as queer and having relationships with people of the same sex before they met.  It confirms my suspicion that there is something going on here, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better.  Our marriage is done either way.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

It sounds like your situation is a little different in that he was living as straight when you got together and hadn't openly had relationships with men. So this sounds more like one of the situations where someone has lived as straight, been in a straight marriage, and comes out as bi on their way to eventually coming out as gay.

But aside from that, dear god, I'm sorry.  You were really put through the ringer and parts of your story sound familiar.  Especially doing the work on your marriage and all of the reassurances that everything was ok and you were on solid ground.  I don't think my wife has been siting on this idea that she's really gay for more than a few days, so at least she wasn't forcing me to live a lie for an extended period of time.  Damn, that's rough.  You not only had your life pulled out from under you, you also had your life up to that point retroactively invalidated.  Just horrible.

And I don't want to minimize what you've been through, but you're only in your thirties and without kids, so you have the time and freedom to build the life you deserve.  With your ability to do your own personal work and grow, I think you have a good shot at having a great life.  Thanks again.