Hi 32mgl, 

I haven't posted before but I have been prowling this forum since my husband of 11 years came out to me as non-binary 2 months ago. I'm 36 now when I was 31, I caught him engaging in phone sex with other men, soliciting men for sex (but not actually meeting them) and referring to his pre-marriage encounters with men. I confronted him about these and he passed it off to me as a fetish - something that turns him on - but that he did not like it when he did it. He was only using this as a kind of substitute for porn is the impression he gave me. When I questioned him more, he got angry and defensive. I left it alone because when we got married we had decided we would give each other a bit of space and freedom to explore - including potentially seeing other partners. We were also very sexually active at the time and if anything I was less often in the mood for sex than him so there wasn't really a reason to be concerned.

Then in the past couple of years he started cross-dressing and presenting as feminine around the house. Admittedly, I can't say I handled it well - choosing not to handle it at all. I operated from a place of denial, didn't acknowledge it, ignored it hoping it is some fetish or phase that will pass. 

Only when he told me that he is non-binary and has been fantasizing about transitioning since he was teenager, did I realize that what I had stumbled upon in 2017 was not that he had hidden his bisexuality or bicuriousity from me but rather that he was questioning his gender identity. I could say that maybe he himself did not know what was happening but now that I go back to some of his accounts on certain websites, I noticed that in 2018 he had referred to himself as transgender femme somewhere. I had been so obtuse I missed what was right in front of me. I just couldn't imagine him as transgender so I went on with life as usual.

I don't know if this helps but I now I feel like back in 2017 I wish I had looked at things more closely and