Thanks to both of you.  For me, I think I've just finally gotten too exhausted from all my anger, and I have to move forward somehow.  

Abby, I really appreciate your point of view and am very aware that I'm only in control of my side of this -- that's probably why it's been so hard to bring up the subject with my husband again, after the first burst of forgiveness a couple years ago.  I know he might just say that for his own happiness, he needs to move on. My read on him is that he's still in it for the long haul, but Lord knows I've misread cues (and he's lied) before so who knows!  It'd be funny if it weren't so unfunny.  Anyway, I guess avoiding that discussion is my final dodge.

If (and only if) you are up for it, I'd be really interested in what it was like for you post split.  One of my (many) issues is that I feel so...stupid for not having seen all this coming, and then for staying when it did, even though I know I did it for survival/my kids and would do it again in the same circumstances.  Having to publicly acknowledge all my seemingly crazy choices and obliviousness will be exceedingly tough for me, even with my own kids.  How did you handle that?  Did you stay in the same town, move, etc.?  I've isolated myself so much that at this point, I'd have to sort of start over building a life, no matter where I am.  And I guess, if you could share what has been good after your split, and what was really hard, that would help me -- I'm having a hard time getting my brain to envision much of anything because I'm so fearful.  Also any advice you have would be most welcome, beyond what you've already said.  

If you do end up writing more, I really appreciate it. But if you don't feel like dredging all this junk up, believe me, I get it and I am still appreciative of what you already wrote.  

I cannot believe I am just finding this forum - despite multiple therapists who supposedly "know" this issue.  Wow.

Anyway, I'm a 58 year old woman, still married 32 years (and together 40 years) to a man who came out to me probably 15 years ago (I find, when I look back, that I can't remember exactly when it happened).  We have 3 kids, now all happy young adults; the youngest went to college this year.  Way back when, I went through all the trauma I'm seeing described on this site, and did it solo while trying to hide it.  Not easy, but I already had a history of being really good at gritting my teeth and getting through things, before I ever met him.  Without a strong support system, and not being financially secure, I really didn't want my kids to suffer, so I took the hit for them, and in the same situation I'd probably do it again. Once past the acute phase (which I hid remarkably well), my life was good, although often internally lonely.  As I got stronger and increasingly refused to put myself in situations where I had to fake things, I isolated myself more and more, and now I have to fix that part, at a bare minimum.  

Long story short, I got through the really bad part, got used to a solo life, and still was able to find joy in my kids and friends.  My relationship with my GH (getting the lingo, lol) was that of a co-parent and roommate, with very little intimacy or physical affection, but we still had fun.  Years went by without us discussing this issue, believe it or not, and we still enjoyed our family.  Then, a couple years ago, we went to a marriage counselor, and we finally talked about how hard this has been and that we still love each other. Felt much, much better, and decided to separately think about what we want to do going forward.  We need to get back to a marriage counselor to get everything out on the table, and I'm working on getting ready for that.  

Well, a couple years later, we have no more kids at home to take care of, m