Confused-  Here’s how I look at his narcissism: Every thing he does and says is for his benefit. If he does something that on the surface is for you, it’s really for him ultimately.

  Here’s something that happened that is so distasteful I am just now able to talk about it. About 2 weeks ago I watched a video on trauma after infidelity. It really hit home. I started crying. He was already in his bed. I guess he heard me. He came into my room and held me. I was beside myself at this point. I cried and cried. And cried. I couldn’t even speak. I laid down. He rubbed my back. For some unfathomable reason, he thought it would be a good idea to finger me (sorry, I can’t think of a better way to say that). He even checked his penis to see if it’s hard (he has ED). I guess it wasn’t. I had calmed down some. He says he has to go back to his Cpap machine and “he’d like the cpap machine to get moved back in this room very soon” in his most creepy, seductive voice he could manage. Ugh. In what universe was any of that appropriate? READ THE ROOM, DUDE! This is a perfect example of him only doing something for his benefit. He tried to comfort me for his benefit. He sexually assaulted me for his benefit. He tried to weasel his way back into our bedroom for his benefit.

  I’ve spoken to him many times about what I need. It’s almost as if he is refusing to do that and only does what he wants to do. Very selfish and self serving. Narcissism is about selfishness. His needs are more important than my needs. 

ImSoConfused, 

First of all, I am so sorry that you find yourself here trying to untangle this huge mess. So much of our stories are similar. It’s like our husbands are using the same script. Here are a few things that jumped out at me: 

- Their personality types are almost identical- work ethic..perfectionism. 
- You and I were so busy raising 3 kids that we didn’t notice what was going on. I bet you are an optimist. You see the good in people. 
- We make excuses for our husbands. 
- Husbands didn’t go on family trips. 
- Found an almost undetectable way to cheat with a man. Yours barely had to leave home. 
- There were signs before the marriage that we ignored. 
- Our relationships lacked emotional and physical intimacy. 
- He’s SUPER friendly with everyone. I believe this feeds his narcissism. 
- He says he wasnt attracted to his sex partner. 
- He isn’t gay.
- He wanted to do something bad. Mine called it “kinky”.
- He said that it was just “easy”. 
- He has an explanation for everything that is just enough to make me question if he is really gay or not.

I too have a long term shared life with my cheater. So many fun times. There were babies and baseball games and dinners and talks. So many talks. 32 years of marriage. 

Here’s how I look at it. Mine didn’t love me enough to NOT cheat. He didn’t respect me enough.. the mother of his children. He gaslighted me and lied for YEARS to get what he wanted. He wanted men. He figured out how to do it. He was able to live seamlessly between his cheating life and his family life. I had no idea. How did I not know? The most significant relationship in my life... THAT is crazy making. It makes me question everything, mostly myself and my crappy judge of character. 

Sean has asked me, if it had been with women, would I feel any different. I think so. If it were my daughter in the same situation, I would tell her to run! For some reason, I am trapped here, with all of this bullS*** sw

 Sean- I hear everything you are saying. I am 57 and he is 60. 

 I definitely feel the need to define and label his sexuality! It’s my right as a wife of 32 years to know who the man is that I’ve been married to and sleeping next to. I’m pretty sure I need to hear it coming out of his mouth. I’ve often thought that he is so out of touch with who he is that he is unable to verbalize.  

What will I do if he hasn’t done anything towards addressing his many problems? I will be packing up and heading to my parents house. At the time of this post, he has a little over a week. I haven’t heard a word from him since I told him this was happening. I’m not holding my breath.

  Once recently, I had a conversation with him about my own sexuality. I will also add that we were swingers for several years in the past 10 years. It was my idea. He was all in. (I’ve since thought he was into it because he wanted to be in the room with naked men). Little did I know that he had met with his first crossdresser before then. We actually had a lot of fun. We met people that we are friends with to this day. It was fun parties and chatting and actually very little sex. He and I were having sex A LOT. One thing about the swinger world is that there are a lot of bi women. I’ve often thought some of them were lesbians married to men. I made the decision that if the opportunity presented itself, that I could kiss a girl or whatever, for the sake of fun and to get the guys excited. I did just that several times. It did absolutely nothing for me. So, in the conversation with him about my orientation, I explained to him what being attracted to someone is for me. I am attracted to men. Men only: their bodies, their smell, their masculinity.. all that good stuff. Anything that I did with a woman during that time, equates to a handshake. All he could say is, “I’m not attracted to men.” I said, “You ARE attracted to men, otherwise how in the world could repeatedly have

Hi Sean. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. Been together for 37 years. A little over a year ago, I discovered that my husband was on Grindr and had been meeting men to recieve blow jobs for at least 4 years. It appears that the infidelity started at least 10 years ago while he was crossdressing. At the time, he was dressing in lingerie and posting on Craigslist, with hopes of getting attention for his pics (his explanation). From what I can prove, at that time, he met with men (at least 2), tried on lingerie and had “light play”- his words. I have pics to prove that there were penises rubbing together at least. What went on between then and 4 years ago is unknown. 

When Craigslist stopped allowing personal ads, he headed over to Grindr. His explanation was that he just wanted blowjobs and read an article that some straight men were seeking blow jobs from gay men that enjoy giving blow jobs. I think that is BS. He also told me that he didn’t want to mess around with women, because there was a higher chance of being caught or having drama. He had a “Daddy” account and was very clear in his profile about what he wanted. He wanted blow jobs. I have about 250 screenshots of Grindr chats where he basically said this, along with some pretty disgusting dialogue. 

 Along with meeting men for blow jobs- at least 50 times in 4 years, he continued his love for crossdressing. He insists that these are two separate things. I also found his fetlife account. He viewed many crossdressing and trans women’s accounts with pictures and videos. He “loved” hundred of trans pictures. He also had his own Crossdressing persona. He was into cages and sounding, and I also have those pictures. In his account, he stated how crossdressing was transformational, but when he discovered sounding, he found something that could reach places in himself that he never imagined and therefore took him to a place where he could serve. Wtf!! 

 I will add that during his