Hi Sean, I reached out a few months back regarding my possibly gay boyfriend. I just wanted to thank you for all of your advice as I took it to heart. I kicked him out and somehow out of nowhere I met a man who is everything he wasn’t, and is nothing that he was.

I’m happy I got out and I have no regrets. For anyone else out there wondering if you should stay or go, please leave. If the question is sitting there in your head you will never get rid of it.

I can only hope my ex decides that one day he won’t live in a shadow any longer. I wrote him a letter and let him know that I will always be there to support him even if he does come out one day. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in the way that feels right for them and I truly feel for him being he has to hide is true identity.

Thank you all for your support - this group was the only thing that kept me going because I didn’t feel so alone.

Hi all.

It’s been a few weeks since I discovered my boyfriend’s email responses to men on CL asking to meet up (see “crushed and heartbroken”).

There have been a lot of tears and sadness. The boyfriend is still living with me; I gave him the stipulation of monthly therapy and no phone passwords if we wanted to move forward, however he refuses to give us his password and he only wants to do therapy if we don’t discuss the emails he sent. He had told me that he wasn’t gay, he had only sent those emails because the thought of having sex with another man was a turn on… 1) not sure I know if any straight men that would say the same thing and 2) I think if naked men turn you on, that would insinuate you are at least bisexual?

Anyways, he has denied being gay/ bi and gets super defensive anytime I bring that up.

He tells me that he loves me and wants to try to work through this but obviously I have major trust issues being that this is the second time I’ve found him emailing “DL” men on CL for sex and hooking up.

Is there ANYONE on here who decided to stay and found that their partner completely stopped engaging in all gay activity? Perhaps a couple that chose to stay together and found light at the end of the tunnel? I’m not talking about a MOM… I’m talking a truly straight marriage or relationship after the partner denied everything. Not sure if this is possible, but just curious.

I’m about 90% sure I’m going to leave him, but obviously my heart is struggling as we’ve been together for 5 years now with plans to eventually buy a home together and start a family. Tough to see your life plans fall apart but curious to see if it worked out for anyone or if I should truly run now.

Hi Sean,

I’m new here and I posted last week a quick summary (“Crushed and Heartbroken”) of what has transpired as of recently.

Long story short, 3 years ago I found emails from my boyfriend to random men on CL. All of these emails were sent while I was out of town. When I caught him, he swore up and down they weren’t from him and he must have been hacked. I didn’t believe him, but I figured it was a phase and perhaps he would grow out of it after being caught.

Last week, I snooped through his phone and found a fake email with messages sent out saying “DL fit vers top” that were sent while he was out of town.

I confronted him and he finally owned up to the fact that he sent them, but insisted that he didn’t have sex with anyone and instead it was just something that turned him on. I asked why the fake email and he said that “it added to the excitement,” but he kept saying he was not gay.

I asked more questions and probed but he still said he wasn’t gay, and to my surprise (very new info to me after 6 years together) he brought that he was molested as a child and that could be the cause for these feelings of being turned on by men.  He cried and it’s hard not to believe him, but from what I’m reading this could be something a pathological liar might say.

What are your thoughts?

PS - he used to beg for anal. I shut it down everytime (it’s not my thing) but sex with him is hard to come by (maybe once a month). Especially when he’s drunk does he want to do anal but I shut him down and he usually ends up upset. He also refuses to hold my hand in public because he says he “runs warm” and doesn’t want his hand to get clammy… strange but not sure if these are red flags or not.

Here’s a quick background: I’m in my late 20’s living with a boyfriend of 6 years. We’ve lived together for several years and up until 48 hours ago, we were hoping to get engaged this summer.

3 years into our relationship, Jay (we’ll call him Jay since that was the name associated with the fake email I found) left his email open on my laptop. My roommate and I thought it would be funny to snoop around… everything seemed fine until we went to the “sent” mailbox and I had found half a dozen outgoing messages in response to “male seeking male” CL ads. My heart sunk.

I seriously contemplated leaving Jay, however he had be convinced that someone had hacked him. When I had offered to get a private investigator he refused. In my heart I knew there was a strong chance that he had sent those emails, but I loved him so much I decided to overlook it and hope it didn’t ever happen again. I’m going to be honest and say that our sex life is far from great and I’d be lucky to have him engaged with me once a month.

Fast forward 3 years later, I went through his phone and found that he had made a new Google email address. When I clicked on the “Sent” folder, I saw 2 outgoing messages that were sent when he was out of town for a night for a work trip - “DL fit vers top”. I decided then and there that I needed to 1) confront Jay and 2) end the relationship. I wanted a marriage with kids and I spent 6 years with what seems like a scam to keep me as his Beard.

I calmly approached Jay yesterday and told him what I had found; he again defaulted to the emails not being from him and had spun the argument in my direction. It was my fault for snooping, not his fault at all. He left the house and got drunk, came back nearly wasted and I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday morning.

My heart is in a million pieces because our lives are so intertwined at this point. We’ve got a pet together, a shared rented-apartment, and just a whole life. I begged