Thank you for writing Crystal. In reply: 

1. Sean this is interesting that a lot [of closeted gay husbands] follow this script of molestation [made him gay].

Many cite the statistic that 1 in 6 males (or 16.7%) are sexually abused before the age of 18. If this statistic is correct, then approximately 83.4% of males are not victims of sexual abuse. Strangely, 100% of the closeted husbands described here claim childhood abuse as the cause of cheating with men and/or watching gay porn. I maintain there are two possibilities: 

Option 1: He's telling the truth about childhood sexual abuse. 
Option 2: He's lying about childhood sexual abuse. 
 
As I shared in two recent podcasts with "Our Path", I urge straight spouses to remain calm when their husbands claim a history of sexual abuse. And by "calm" I mean: remaining cautiously objective about his claims of childhood abuse as it could be a distraction, particularly if she recently brought up separation/divorce; allowing her husband to find a qualified therapist (not a couples' therapist) to do the work to heal from such trauma; and continuing to make herself and her happiness a priority.  So what's my point? Whether real or fabricated, a closeted husband's claims of childhood sexual abuse should not distract nor delay dealing with the main issues they face, namely: his total lack of interest in sex with his wife, often from the beginning of the relationship; cheating with men...often for years; and his inability to be honest with his wife about these issues. Put bluntly, it's a bit of a stretch to think that once he has healed from these abuse issues, he'll suddenly and miraculously transform into a heterosexual, horny prince charming. The reality is a bit more grainy: he's vague about the abuse probably because he's lying or exaggerating; refuses to attend individual therapy; insists on couples' therapy then, yet again, puts the onus on his long-suffering wife to fix him; and continues with

Thank you for posting Meredith, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. In reply: 

1. I’m new here and I posted last week a quick summary (“Crushed and Heartbroken”) of what has transpired as of recently. Long story short, 3 years ago I found emails from my boyfriend to random men on CL [Craig's List]. All of these emails were sent while I was out of town. When I caught him, he swore up and down they weren’t from him and he must have been hacked.

Lie. Question: what exactly was he emailing these men? 

2. I didn’t believe him, but I figured it was a phase and perhaps he would grow out of it after being caught.

Cheating is like an iceberg, meaning 9/10ths often remains below water. Setting aside the issue of his sexuality, please get tested for STDs/STIs and only use condoms when having sex with your boyfriend. I'd also ask your boyfriend to get tested and if he tries to weasel his way out of it, that's confirmation he's doing much more than just swapping email recipes with these men. 

3. Last week, I snooped through his phone and found a fake email with messages sent out saying “DL fit vers top” that were sent while he was out of town.

Wow. For a self-identified straight man, he's very well-versed in gay hook-up slang. While I'm a bit out of practice, I believe his moniker means:

DL = down low, aka closeted man in a relationship with a woman seeks discreet hook ups  
vers top = versatile top, meaning he can either penetrate another man or be penetrated but prefers to top/penetrate others

4. I confronted him...

Good for you. 

5. ...and he finally owned up to the fact that he sent them, but insisted that he didn’t have sex with anyone...

Bullsh*t. 

6. ...and instead it was just something that turned him on. I asked why the fake email and he said that “it added to the excitement,” but he kept saying he was not gay.

Ok. Let's use his logic on some other, more g-rated, situa

Thank you for writing everyone. In reply: 

Crystal wrote: 

1. This was my experience as well with my now GXH. When we first met in our early 20's this is all we would do is have great make out sessions. I thought oh wow what a great kisser. It took a while for us to get to sexual. I would question him about it and he would say that he wanted to take his time and not rush into things.

This "let's wait to have sex" approach is quite common among closeted gay men, and particularly among Evangelical closeted gay men. He often uses the excuse of "God wants us to save ourselves for marriage" to avoid having sex with a woman until the couple has married. Then once married the sex is often infrequent and completely without passion. Rather than blame her boyfriend/husband's homosexuality, the straight woman often thinks the lack of intimacy is her fault.  

2. I took this as "oh what a gentleman". Never imagining that he'd be gay. Got married and it was a 13 year spiral of very minimal sex in our marriage. As Sean mentions, sex was overwhelming for him. He would blame it on stress, me, his childhood trauma etc, etc.

I discuss this and many other things in the following "Our Path" podcasts: 

S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath
S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions - OurPath

It's quite common for closeted husbands to claim "childhood trauma made me gay," particularly when his wife has caught him cheating yet again. I have yet to read a credible scientific study that proves a correlation between childhood abuse and homosexuality in men. While I'm not a mental health professional, I urge straight spouses to approach "I'm f*cking men because I was abused as a child" with a certain degree o

Thank you for sharing Sweeetlisa. In reply: 

1. I found a gay user email address bbc4wbbtyrone@******.com in my husband's email account.  It stands for big black cock for white bare back tyrone (his username). 

Wow! That must have been quite the shock. I hope you're ok following this discovery. For those readers who don't know, the term "bareback" means sex without a condom. 

2. I researched on grinder and a bunch of other hookup/gay apps and there seems to be many men out there on the down low seeking other men for sex. 

Correct. I should add that there are also many straight apps, message boards, and websites for heterosexual men and women also looking for sex/hook ups. The gay community doesn't have a monopoly on cheating as straights do it as well...and in greater numbers I might add. Some other Grindr-like gay sex apps are: Scruff and Hornet to name a few.  

3. It's quite unsettling the amount of men using these apps.  On the one hand I suspect my husband is bisexual or gay (in the closet) strait acting. 

It's certainly possible. If your husband enjoys sex with women (namely you) and men, then that suggests he's bisexual. If however he's never demonstrated an interest in sex with you nor any other women, then he might be a closeted gay husband. 

4. On the other hand it seems as though men are sexual human beings perhaps seeking like minded sexual beings for fun (and not having to deal with emotions and women).  Almost like men simply want to enjoy raunchy sex and keep it simple,, easier to deal with man only with penis/anal penetration to receive the ultimate prostate climax, something a woman can't do as easily and on a with with a high sexual drive.  What are your thoughts on this? 

In my experience, the gay (male) community is indeed very sexual and gay men have, on average, more sexual partners than heterosexuals. HOWEVER, it's a myth that the gay community is just one constant disco and drug

Thank you for writing Crystal. I'm afraid that I didn't quite understand your post so I'm taking the liberty of responding to your original post to provide some context. Here we go: 

1. Is it possible that trauma can make someone suppress and not accept that they are gay? I do not understand trauma but I do know that sexual trauma is very complex. My GXH [gay ex-husband] experienced childhood sexual trauma from another male.

Believe it or not, many closeted or formerly closeted husbands claim "sexual abuse made me gay." This is something I discuss during two podcasts with Our Path: 

S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath skip to 1H:03MINS:00
S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions - OurPath 00:45MINS:00

As I shared in the above interviews, I tell straight wives (or ex-wives) that they don't have to automatically believe pathologically dishonest husbands who claim "sexual abuse made me gay." If your husband lied for most of your marriage, there is a very real possibility that he's lying about this to gain sympathy and somehow explain away gay porn and cheating. I only know a handful of out gay men who were sexually abused as children and they all say the same thing. "I was a gay boy who was abused. The abuse didn't make me gay." So while any form of sexual abuse or trauma is barbaric and (thankfully) illegal, I urge straight spouses to gage what he's saying based on how honest he was over the course of your relationship. When interacting with straight spouses, I often sidestep the issue of childhood abuse to focus on the question of her husband's honesty. I urge them to grade their husbands on an honesty scale of 0-10 with ten (10) being totally honest and zero (0) meaning he was a pathologic