Yup, my ex did. New girlfriend, another burner cell - that my daughter found. I’m glad to be done with him and all that drama and subterfuge. He’s hurt a lot of people. A lot of people, and on the path to do it again.

And to me, the main issue is looping other people in! Fine to identify as Santa Claus, IDGAF - but, don’t rope the rest of us in to your charade. That’s the problem - when someone else unknowingly acts on the lies, misrepresentations of another: fraud.

And why didn't anyone go anywhere near my lying issue? As distinct from confused/exploring et cetera. After years of this, I feel like changing my login from "RoseColoredGlasses" to "CollateralDamage". I married a person who professed a lot of love for me and made approximately one million promises that he did not keep. Boyfriend surfaced, he promised it was a one-time thing. Extra cell phones - more excuses.

My 32 year marriage ends in a week. I sacrificed my career for his: moving, staying home with the kids, etc. I had options: two Ivy League degrees and a successful career before children. But he lied to me. Over and over again. I kept the divorce private and calm for the kids, but it cost me a lot of money to get a deal done without going to trial - my choice. But again, because I was generous and honest, I feel like a chump. It is pretty crummy to be sitting here at 58, looking at the dating websites and feeling very afraid, and like a stupid chump. I protected the kids but hurt myself. One adult in this relationship. Totally unfair. Glasses off, I guess. 

“Lots of time to process and rationalize it but at the end of it all my conclusion is they have a "broken moral core".   When it started..the lie when they married us or when they started cheating .. it's still broken and wrong morality.“

Rob - yes. What I’ve found the hardest is that “we” are trying to love someone who for whatever reason does not love themselves and so is playing by a very different set of rules. I’d go to therapy with him - and he’d lie. I’d bend over backwards to “understand” and he’d take that occasion to walk right over me - doormat. I think they really are - or mine at least really is - so trapped in his own bs that he cannot see beyond it. So getting away is I think the only option. Took me years to see that! We took marriage vows etc. But you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to get healthy and has no intention of being honest. Full stop.

K_926: I am in your shoes, have been in your shoes for a very long time, and I have a thought for you. Be nicer to yourself. They aren’t “toxic” coping skills. They are coping skills. Adaptive in response to not being treated well by the person who is supposed to be he one you can count on most - now *that* is toxic.