OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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1 | General Discussion » When will I feel better ? » December 24, 2024 10:21 am |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 21
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I still remember the moment it hit me: nothing I did was ever enough, and nothing I do will ever be enough.
It was such a crushing realization at the time.
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » December 15, 2024 12:09 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 2488
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MGMommy wrote:I just listened to S4 EP 3: A “NARCISSIST IN RECOVERY” GETS REAL
…
Guest: Ryan King.
All I can say is wow. What a transparent discussion that accurately described my experience.
I always suspected that the collateral damage to me and my life was not taken into consideration.
I’m happy to feel affirmed & not crazy- but like the interviewer- it still brings pain to my heart.
I have two quick questions:
1.) Why did my gay ex-husband start to do things with his new partner that he would not do with me? Things he says he hated? Little things like go to a street fair, or bigger things, like go to visit NYC? He also quit smoking for this new partner & no amount of concern and begging from me would ever make him even consider putting down cigarettes.
2.) I moved on with my life & despite a horrible divorce process & my own feelings- I made sure to foster our children’s relationship with their father. I even got them a (flip) cell phone at a young age so they could call him freely without me as an intermediary.
I had hoped for friendship with my ex but it is clear he did not want that. So I let that go. I think he hates me & in a pathetic way, how I miss the friendship I thought we had…
Anyway, we separated in 2008, divorced in 2010. I found out from both of our adult children @2021-23 (they each told me on their own without their sibling present) that I was the butt of the joke - the subject of ridicule and mocking - behind my back for years. The kids told me that my ex’s partner, to his credit, would say that’s enough & not in front of your kids to him. Meanwhile, I thought we were all living at let live. I never bothered him unless it was about the kids & when my youngest turned 18 (she is 20 now) I stopped nearly all communication. I developed excellent boundaries due to my work on myself in a 12 step program & therapy.
What is the point of being so nasty & mean? He destroyed my life & then went on his merry way while I was completely devas
| Support » Confused/angry/Place to vent » November 28, 2024 9:05 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 12
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All I was trying to say is that OP is focusing on the wrong thing at this point - this person appears to need medical help. Don't dick around on the internet while your spouse is contemplating suicide.
| General Discussion » " many (if not most) straight spouses are LGBTQ allies " » November 26, 2024 9:05 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 12
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Lost in the Closet wrote:
I feel most of us are allies. We recognize that societal discrimination against the LGBQ+ community caused many of our spouses to hide in heterosexual marriages. While it is wrong that they chose to do this, if society was more welcoming to LGBQ+, the need for future generations to hide will reduce and there will be less of us experiencing this betrayal and hurt.
So yes, I am an ally and will defend anyone who wants to live an authentic life whether gay, straight, trans, etc. I promote honesty and living their truth to protect future generations from this hurt.This is the part I take issue with. Because my former husband never faced any discrimination (other than what he may have made up for himself). The country I live in has not had issue with recognizing LGBTQ. It is very liberal. His brother is trans and poly. His entire family has been open and supportive. All his friends sung his praises.
…
So I would truly love to know what his excuse in all of this was.
Also, reading this posts - I think there is a big difference between straight spouses if you were male or female. I am sure I am biased to an extent, but just what I've seen here....gay men in denial seem to be crueler to their wives overall. And since they are typically the bread winner and the wife has made many sacrifices for the marriage (plus usually kids involved), the straight wives have a much harder time in the long run.
But, I guess that is also just marriage and divorce period. Society has come some way, but it is still typically the female in the relationship that gets hit harder during the divorce process.
Maybe the whole GID thing goes hand in hand with personality disorders?
I look back at what my former husband did to me. The levels of cruelty, lies, manipulation, and destruction. And, though I tried so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, I know now that it was intentional. He wanted to hurt me. He went out of his way to try to destroy me as a
| General Discussion » " many (if not most) straight spouses are LGBTQ allies " » November 26, 2024 9:35 am |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 12
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Honestly - I'm on the fence in the whole thing.
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I have done graduate work in diversity training and different minority groups. I have worked in various capacities and rolls working with the healthcare industry on training staff. And I have worked and treated many LGBTQ.
When everything happened with my was-band, the backlash I faced from more people than I would have expected about how I felt and thought about everything was completely demoralizing. It was a slap in the face to see the double standard. That, just because he was gay, people gave him a pass on being a despicable and abusive person. It took a very long time to even remotely start to recover from the added betrayal, on top of the original spousal betrayal. I ended up not only leaving my job, I left that area of work entirely (for my own mental health).
I really don't think any of this is as "simple" as being an ally, supporting whomever or anything of the sort. Just from my own research and experience I think the real problem is that the LGBTQ thing has gone completely insane, and due to extreme views, insane extremists and a fear shoved down the throat of the general public to say anything that could potentially be not politically correct.....we have ended up with a situation where a group of people are trying to run society with no checks and balances.
Meanwhile, legitimate research is being squashed, or can't get funding, because it doesn't fit the current political climate. Scientists are getting death threats for publishing anything that doesn't fit the extreme views. And everything is getting extremely skewed.
For example - hormone blockers and surgery in minors. There is a growing body of research that has been done to show that those who aggressively transition as minors regret their decision to do so. And that there are serious issues with the automatic "gender affirming" approach that is being forced onto everyone.
Does this mean that trans people shouldn't be able to transition? No. Do
| Support » Confused/angry/Place to vent » November 25, 2024 8:34 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 12
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Ok. Let's take gender identity and sexuality out of this to start.
This person, however they identify, is going through a serious mental health crisis. And they need help.
You may think it is as simple as "cutting your boobs off and taking hormones" but that is NOT going to address the underlying mental health crisis that is currently happening.
They need immediate medical attention - potentially inpatient care. Please get this person the help they need.
You do not state your ages - but there could also be an underlying pathological diagnosis that has arisen due to the circumstances. Either way, not the time to be on the internet. This is the time to stabilize the situation and bring in professionals.
After that point...
As Elle pointed out - this may not be the best forum for you to ask questions about trans issues, as those on this forum are the straight spouses that have gone through some horrific betrayals and most would not be equipped to provide helpful advice for your situation.
It is great you are comfortable with a MOM, and want to support your spouse in coming out. The forum here will provide the support it can, but it may not be the best fit. I do wish we could refrain from telling people to shut up or insulting other forum members. I have been around this page for a good chunk of time now, and I have seen the changes over the years....I wish people could just be kinder to each other in general. There's enough pain in this process, we don't need to add more *shrugs*
| Support » I need direction » November 11, 2024 12:30 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 28
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That's great that you are independent - do you have a formal separation agreement? And have custody/support in writing? That tends to be the contentious and expensive part.
Filing for divorce is traumatic. It's a level of finality that is gut wrenching.
For a lot of people, 6 months is still fresh. Where I live, you can't even file until you've been separated for over a year. You don't have to file this second - take your time to sort out how you are feeling and what is troubling you. There isn't a time frame for any of this, you do what works best for you.
By the sounds of your post - there are a lot of unresolved emotions still there. They are not going to go away if you don't deal with them, and deal with them in a healthy manner. Which is stupid hard, and takes a lot of time. It will take however long it takes. Try to lighten up the pressure on yourself and cut yourself some slack. It's ok to not be ok. And it will all take however long it takes to get sorted out.
You got this.
| Support » I need direction » November 11, 2024 12:08 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 28
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Words of advice - slow down and take a deep breath.
Why are you in deep trouble? What do you mean about not wanting to hurt anyone?
When did you separate? Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer? Are you living in separate homes? How has that been going?
What have you done to help with the psychological trauma from all of this?
Take a deep breath. And ignore any "developed feelings". The last thing you need right now is to get into a relationship. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your kids.
1) Ensure you have stable housing, an independent bank account, tentative plan for how to proceed and ensure stability for your kids.
2) Speak with a divorce lawyer - set up an official separation agreement (if you haven't already) that covers child or spousal support, and outlines custody and all the other million things that are required to sort out.
3) Get in therapy, not a relationship. It is going to take time to sort yourself out. And you need to make sure you take care of yourself first, so you can provide a much needed buffer for your kids as all of you go through all of this.
Use this board for advice, support and ask all the questions. There is a lot of good advice from people who have gone through this, and seen it all now. Set up a support system for yourself - talk to family & friends. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And keep taking one step at a time - as hard as this is, you will get through it.
| Support » Feel Like everything is out of control » November 9, 2024 7:38 pm |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 13
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Welcome to a safe space to share the emotional roller coaster you are experiencing.
…
The vast majority of those on this site went through this and ended up leaving the relationship. Whether you ultimately end up staying or leaving, some advice I wish I had taken at the beginning of this.
1) Focus on you. What do you want? What is important to you? What do you need in the relationship? And be honest with what is going on. As hard as it is....you have to look at her actions. Is she talking to you? Is she open to sharing? Is she treating you like an equal partner as she navigates this? Is she affording you empathy and respect, as you are doing for her?
The only way there is a chance for a MOM to work is one where there is open communication between both and each have empathy and understanding and acknowledge what the other is going through. If it is all one sided - this is not going to work.
2) Open a separate account. Be completely honest about it. She is also free to do the same. Look at the practicalities of life - since the future is questionable, you each should set things up so that you are not left in a lurch if one of you decides the relationship is over.
You will see many on this page who were blind sided and got completely screwed over in the process - myself included. You need to protect yourself.
3) Get individual counselling. But vet the therapist. You need a therapist that is going to focus on only you. And helping you figure out what you want/need and help you understand any abusive behavior that may arise. At this point, do not do marriage counselling. You each need to figure yourselves out before anything can be decided together.
4) Self care. Self care. Self care. Take care of yourself. Take breaks. Do meditation. Try to give yourself a break the anxiety and unknown. Eat well. Keep moving. And watch for any signs of progressing anxiety or depression.
The early days are bloody hard. Unfortunately, a month is nothing. In my case it has been over
| General Discussion » Cassandra Syndrome and AfDD in straight spouses » November 7, 2024 12:07 am |
- Anon2222
- Replies: 25
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I can say with complete certainty that this whole pervasive new culture of we all just now apparently love everyone ruined my life. And the educated professionals who were supposed to be trained to help me in this situation caused me to stay in an abusive situation and get completely decimated as a person. And it's mind boggling to me.
…
When my former husband came out as bi (and after finding out the extent of the lies and just how much he had hidden from me) I wanted to get a divorce. At that time I was amicable and just wanted to part ways. He begged me to stay (lied right to my face about how it changed nothing, he only loved me, we were going to grow old together yadda yadda). Ended up going to counselling where I was told this was common, that it wasn't a big deal, that sexuality is fluid and a whole other giant load of bullshit. Nothing like having everything you feel get dismissed and be gaslit away.
I stayed in that marriage for 3 more years. I asked him frequently how he was doing, if there was anymore questioning, anything. I insisted he do counselling. He assured me everything was great. I booked a romantic get away for our upcoming anniversary....and he blind sided me with "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you".
The anguish I went through in those 3 years. The disgusting behaviour I put up with. The lies. I will never forgive him for that.
He even told me that he begged me to stay because he wasn't ready to get divorced. He knew the marriage wouldn't work, but he wasn't ready to come out fully and needed time to set up everything for himself. During those 3 years I made decisions based on being a partnership. Long story short I got completely screwed over. My entire life was ruined and I lost everything.
Had I just gotten a divorce 3 years ago, none of this would have happened.
I had several registered psychologists drag me down in this bullshit. They completely ignored the abuse. And they really fucked me up.
I have never once questioned my orientation. I