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Support » Feeling out of place » March 24, 2024 6:25 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 12

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lily wrote:

thanks Anon.  

there's a couple of new posters in the MOM section and I feel for them so much.  We straights are so vulnerable in these marriages.  It's not a level playing field with one being attracted to the other and the other is free to act as they want.

This is the part that took me a long time to work out - they have all the power. As the one madly in love with my former spouse, I was devastated by all of this. I spent years supporting him. I made life decisions based on being married to him. I sacrificed so very much of myself in all of this. Meanwhile he was an abusive bully who acted like everything was my fault. The hardest part for me was when I realized that he never actually loved me. Because there is no way he could have, despite whatever lies he told himself. Which is why it was so easy for him to discard me like a piece of trash.

The trauma of finding out someone just used you for 20 years, up and left, and couldn't give a crap about you was on a whole other level of betrayal. 

And, as the divorce process gets ugly (entirely because of him) I still find myself having mouth gaping moments at the sheer audacity of his behavior. He still believes that I should be acting as the doting wife, make sacrifices for him, and support him...while he has zero accountability for any of his actions and owes me nothing. He's actually irate that I got a lawyer and am taking him to court because I am not being a door mat (he thinks I should take 100% of the marital debt, get no support, and he gets 50% of the assets). 

These people are a whole other level. And I agree with you - my heart aches when I read a lot of the new posts. I remember my first time posting, all those years ago. I look at how naive I was. And I remember the warnings I received from others on the forum and how I thought my situation was different *eye roll*

I am sure there are healthy examples out there of MOM, but I have yet to see more than I can count on one hand o

Support » Feeling out of place » March 22, 2024 11:55 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 12

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Lily - thank you for the words of wisdom.

Everyone has a different journey. I remember many times on this forum where I would get mad at myself for not being able to "move on" like others were doing. And I've felt the judgement and been told many times to move on, stop being angry, let it go, don't get stuck being so negative....and, honestly, it made me feel even worse.

Your journey takes as long as it takes. But I agree, I don't understand why everyone is so afraid of the "negative" emotions. 

There is nothing wrong with being angry, hurt, betrayed, resentful, even hateful. It's all a part of the process. I grew up in home where showing any extremes in emotion was "bad" and crying was seen as weakness. Over the past few years I think I've experienced enough emotions for a lifetime....and I actually feel better. When I just took a step back and stopped trying to control my feelings and stopped trying to now allow anything negative, I finally felt some of the healing starting.

Whether you experience anger or not in the process.....embrace the emotions you have, listen to what they have to say, and work your way through whatever comes - the good, the bad and the ugly.

I can say that, at first, I was very supportive and I wasn't angry. That lasted for over 3 years before the bubble burst - so everyone early on in this process, be aware it takes awhile to process, and you're likely going to experience a roller coaster of the good and the bad, and all are perfectly normal. 

General Discussion » Shredding the past » March 22, 2024 11:34 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 5

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Rob wrote:

Way to go Norah and Ellexoh!

Today, I burned college love letters I found from her. I did not read them. Letters that so ensnared me into half a life with a person whose written and spoken words were not really true.

We can't erase the past but we can leave it behind.

I am working through this process myself. I started sorting through all the "love letters" and notes and everything else....I read a few and realized just how fake everything was. Mine spoke of building a life together, love, a future together. His had "I'm marrying her because she makes me happy" - oh to be able to go back in time and recognize the blazing red flags of my marriage....but hindsight is 20/20.

I didn't read anymore. I dumped them all without looking at anything else. I dumped all the wedding stuff. The photos. I kept the odd memento that had meaning for ME, but nothing of him. And I walked away....and it felt amazing. 

Support » Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process » February 28, 2024 1:10 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 14

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OutofHisCloset wrote:

Anon,
 My advice is get a lawyer for yourself, if you don't have one, and make all communication go through the lawyer.  You are putting yourself in a position to be further abused by a man who has made it clear over and over that he is willing to abuse you--and has done so. 

Thanks. I do have a lawyer and the majority of communication is done that way. I try to limit any outside communication otherwise. But honestly, anything to do with him I feel like I am going crazy...

Support » Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process » February 28, 2024 10:22 am

Anon2222
Replies: 14

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I feel like a complete failure at this. I let him get to me.

I had to contact him because of an issue with the marital property (everything is through email only) - I asked for him to do up a legal document stating he will pay for half of the cost. He made some comments about how he has no idea why I'm so paranoid and implied some things about my mental health etc.

And...he got to me. I sent back a very long email of all the reasons I don't trust him, every promise he has broken during the divorce process, and how he sent me pages and pages of lies and personal insults to me from his lawyer. And that from all of this, he actually had the gall to blame ME for not being able to come out.

Basically wrapped it up that it is not my fault he hates himself and is a coward who couldn't deal with himself, and that I've run out of fucks to give so he can knock off the personal insults and lies and I'm over him dumping everything on me and he can get off his lazy ass and deal with everything because I'm done. Eep.

I feel so dumb....and probably did exactly what he wanted me to do. Sigh. I really suck at this divorce thing so very much. 

General Discussion » Seeking feedback » February 25, 2024 1:42 am

Anon2222
Replies: 10

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lily wrote:

Hi Darrj,

The thing my mother was finally able to pinpoint about my ex is that he would neither accept me nor let me go.

That's what straights do, isn't it.  Apparently it is not what married gay and lesbian partners do.  There are a few different story lines but this is the basic one - the straight is trying to get a straight answer from their spouse - while they seem to think it is okay to keep us dangling.
 

Lily - thank you for this. This about sums it up and is the part I just don't understand in all of this. It's not even that my ex figured out he's gay...it was the fact that he led me on for years. It's utter cruelty.  And now, in the divorce process....while I have struggled to even come up with enough negative emotions to hate him (he made sure that he was so horrible that this wasn't an issue in the end *eye roll*) he has had no problem personally insulting me, degrading everything in the marriage, entirely re-writing history, and vilifying me in any way possible.

I have been trying to take away something positive from spending 20 years with this a-hole....but he sure is burning every bridge out there and making sure my life is a living hell....Why can't he just leave and leave me alone....

General Discussion » Seeking feedback » February 23, 2024 9:02 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 10

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For what it's worth. I was you.

I threw everything I had into my marriage and being supportive of my former spouse. For over 3 years. In the end, I lost myself and he still blind sided me with a divorce.

And now I have legal documentation from him stating that I never supported him, that I was so homophobic that he experienced extreme mental distress and all the ways I ruined his life. There's also a number of personal attacks and lies.

I loved him deeply and I always just wanted him to be happy. I can see now just how one-sided that was and apparently he will only be happy if he destroys my life and everything in it.

Proceed with caution. And I strongly suggest you follow Elle's advice - you need to be able to talk to someone who if interested in your well-being because it is a long road, regardless of how it ends.

Support » Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process » February 23, 2024 12:19 am

Anon2222
Replies: 14

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I was told that there's not enough substantive abuse to count in the legal sense. And he has never physically assaulted me. He has punched through a door....several times. I have debated if I am just being paranoid...but there's just something in my gut that keeps screaming he's not safe to be around. 

Which is why I went to only having contact through lawyers, but it is costing me a fortune. And I really am trying my hardest to not let this get to me, but man he is making it so very hard. Unfortunately, he knows me well and he knows my vulnerabilities and just how to hurt me....which is the cruel irony of all this I guess, not only do I have to deal with everything he dumped on me, I also have to spontaneously fix every insecurity, flaw, and everything I've ever struggled with overnight to protect myself. Because he knows me, and I was open, honest, and vulnerable during the marriage. Meanwhile, he was a stranger.

Support » Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process » February 22, 2024 7:52 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 14

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I am actually afraid of him. I want nothing to do with him and I just wish he would leave me alone.

He sent me a dozen page letter about everything he hates about me, insulting my intelligence, telling me he knew I would fail in life and how he has always been so kind and empathetic to me....while I just made it impossible to come out because I was so horrible to him. He states he always acted in the best interest of the marriage and I was the one who treated him so horribly he's been in therapy to deal with how horrible I have treated him. How ironic.

He then proceeds to comment on things I have done a YEAR after he walked out....personal details that I have never shared. So now I'm also freaked out about why and how he even knows this...and what does it even matter....

I am not happy with my lawyer. Because his lawyer sent this stupid letter to my lawyer and my lawyer just forwarded it along.....so I got to read a 12 page essay about how I am the worst person in the world and it's a miracle he survived me. I would like to know what the point of this is exactly. And how long am I expected to be his punching bag? 

Support » Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process » February 22, 2024 1:27 pm

Anon2222
Replies: 14

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So. The nightmare continues in my world and I am getting tired. I am wondering if anyone has gone through something similar....because it's starting to feel surreal.

I am trying to get divorced. I have gone pretty much no contact. Everything is through the lawyers. I am far from perfect, and I have made many mistakes along the way in life....but, every time I turn around he's spewing hate and lies at me (through lawyers). On one hand, it's completely ridiculous and, on the other hand, it really hurts.

The majority of his claims I knew nothing about, and a lot of them are personal attacks against me and how horrible I am. Despite the therapy, setting boundaries, going no contact, working on myself....different things still manage to get through on and off, and it's hard. I find myself thinking....did he really think all of these things along the way? Is this how he truly felt this entire time....while I was just merrily thinking I had this great marriage and amazing supportive husband....

It's pretty humiliating, not gonna lie. Going through this process. Having him spew his hate and lies at me, and thinking about how deeply I loved this man and would have done anything for him...

It is coming up on two years since he walked out, and I am just getting so very tired of the abuse. I also now have legal documentation that he thinks I'm stupid and a failure at life. So, that's nice....

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