Sean - I will never understand this myself. I also truly don't get the point of lying about it (and if it's a situation where you fear for your life, or there are other reasons to remain "closeted" I don't see why you don't make an open arrangement with a woman who is open to the relationship from the beginning, and you both know what you're getting into). 

For myself - I don't care if a man isn't straight. I do care about him lying to me and using me to cover it. And, personally, I never want to date or marry a man who isn't straight. And, again, for myself there is a firm boundary. It is black and white. If you have any romantic or sexual interest in men, you aren't straight, and I am not interested. Go off and find someone who will be compatible with you and build your life with them. 

I will never understand why my was-band did this to me. Let alone, for close to 20 years. He can spout all the nonsense he wants, but he knew before he married me. And he chose to blind side me, ruin my life, and be unendingly cruel in the process. None of it was necessary. It still makes my head hurt if I think about it too much.

But, I had to accept what others have pointed out.....he enjoyed hurting me. He wanted to see me suffer. And he went out of his way to be cruel. He knew what he was doing. And he made his choices.

That's the mind fuck to me. HE NEVER LOVED ME.

20 years together. I lived with this man. I loved him beyond words. I pictured growing old together. And to find out that I have never been loved....well, it destroyed something inside of me. As of yet, I have not recovered. It still hits me sometimes. He had a relationship with someone who deeply loved him, supported him, sacrificed for him.....and I had nothing.

I will never forget the lies he made when he walked out. How he promised to be "fair" and still support me. How he would ensure I was taken care of, even though we couldn't be a married couple anymore, that he cared about me and would always "love" me.

For three years (and counting, as I'm STILL waiting for the divorce to be finalized) he has condescendingly sneered "is this fair?" to me as he did increasingly awful things (like cancelling my health insurance) and would become more malicious when I told him no it wasn't. He enjoyed bringing me to my knees.

And yes, I do still really struggle with the fac that that's the kind of "love" I got in life. It isn't fair. I didn't deserve it. And now I am going to be facing the later years of my life alone without any safety net, since he ensured that I don't have anything left.

He isn't capable of empathy.

Personally, I think it's disingenuous to say that autistic spouses act like GID spouses. I would rather look at it as your husband is autistic, and he may be GID. They are two entirely different things. Just like a lot of GID spouses seem to have narcissistic personality traits. Maybe there is a link, maybe there isn't. But they are still different entities.

Honestly - if there was anyway to ever get a GID spouse to tell the truth, I would love to hear it. I still have no idea what the "truth" is...close to 20 years of marriage, and now almost 3 years into him being a total douche canoe during the divorce process.

After he blind sided me, I asked to sit down and have a conversation. He refused. I asked if he could then do a phone call, or even write it down. Just give me a timeline of what the hell happened (since I honestly had absolutely no clue and it's a real mind fuck to find out your entire adult life was a lie). He couldn't. 

What will always stick with me, when I asked him why the hell it was so hard to actually communicate with me (you know, his loyal and loving wife of 20 years) is that he told me he couldn't put it into words, or didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain it.

All I could think is, why don't you just tell the truth? How hard is it to just be honest and say what happened? But he couldn't even do that for me, he had zero empathy and refused to do anything. I hate him for that. I hate the fact that only he knows the truth about our marriage and he's perfectly fine to leave me with all the unanswered questions, doubt and unknowns.

It's a hell of a lot harder to make up this elaborate tale and lie for decades...normal people don't do this.

Any healthy relationship, where a spouse has realized they have a different sexual orientation, that I have heard about were ones where there was open communication. Legitimate apologies. No cheating and lies. And a genuine desire from both spouses to take care of each other, no matter what happened.

If you are in a relationship where you are trying to figure out if your spouse is gay, and coming up with plans to try to pry a confession out of them because they refuse to communicate, it isn't going to end well. Straight spouses in these situations are the kindest, most amazing people I have ever seen. They are truly empathetic and they neglect the

This is a journey I would not wish on my worst enemy.

To this day, I still have my moments of struggle. I struggle with the "why" because I cannot comprehend ever doing this to someone. I struggle with this unrelenting urge to reach out to him, because there is this sliver of hope that refuses to die, that the man I loved is still in there somewhere.

Ironically, I have no desire to get back together (never did after his announcement) or even really want any part in his life per say......it's more this sense of loss and grief over losing someone I grew up with, shared a life with, someone who knows all the "inside jokes" and stories. I truly miss not having anyone in my life anymore that just knows my life. Whether it was a lie or not.....I'm really struggling with meeting new people, because I just lost everything. I find myself inadvertently joking or doing something and still get that millisecond of waiting for a knowing laugh....and there's nothing.

And there's also the pain of being hated by someone I loved deeply. I know it's not logical .I know it's not my fault. But I am human, and the vitriol and cruelty he spewed at me was incredibly painful.

Kmack - unfortunately, there will be a number of tough days ahead. Depending on yourself and your situation, it may take you months to recover, or it may take you years. All of it is perfectly normal and ok. You have to take whatever time you need to grieve and heal. If you are able to find a decent therapist to talk to, it can be helpful. Also - start focusing on self care. Start small - get some really nice bath scents, get a new book, go for a walk. Just little things you can do to take care of yourself. When you start to feel better - try looking into taking up a hobby. Find something that has a bit of a social component so you can be around people. Try making plans for a weekend trip, or retreat. 

The days can be hard, but those who go through this are incredibly strong and resilient people. And we're here t