Hi JKpeace,

jkpeace wrote:

I am sorry that there seem to be many personal attacks going on, here.  I understand venting and being angry, but I'm sorry that some people have attacked you (& Jeff & others, perhaps).

JKpeace,

I have noticed the recent personal attacks on this board as well. 

This all started when I made a post about growing up gay.  After I made that post, four straight women thanked me for writing it, and they had more questions for me.  They told me that my post helped them, we spoke via PM as well as publicly, and became friends after that.

I came on this board for information about dealing with a situation:  My closeted gay male cousin had married a straight woman.  I was very pissed at my cousin for having married her, and I wanted to know how I could help his straight wife. 

You guys have taught me so much. 

I do realize that this is a forum for straight spouses to heal, and that I am a gay man – not a straight spouse.  So, why am I here?  Well, I ended up staying on here because many of you were thanking me for helping you heal.  I'm here for you.

Many here have asked me to stay and to keep contributing.  However, if my presence is interfering with people’s healing, then that is the last thing I would want to do. 

So, I'm asking all of you: What would you like me to do?

 

Cameron wrote:

Because I participate in other forums, both in person and on-line, I encounter "bi-curious" men all the time.  These men are so stuck in their own narrow worlds that they have no genuine understanding of how their hidden sexuality affects others.  If I wasn't there to push, prod, question and advocate, they'd rely on similar "curious" men to direct them.  I think I add a great deal of value to those conversations --- but only because I spend so much time lurking, reading and learning here.

I feel the same.  A bunch of "curious" bi and "str8" men with wives and girlfriends... So many of those guys are guiding each other online on how to live on the "DL."  Creating a DL culture.  They're not thinking about the women or the broader picture.  Reading this forum helps me talk to those guys.

Steve wrote:

If you don't mind I just want to follow up my previous posts by saying that for a lot of straight people having a spouse or partner question their sexual orientation is a big deal... a HUGE deal in fact.

Yes.  I'm in a life partnership with another gay man.  We've been together for years.  I'm imagining if he said to me one day, "Jeff, I have to tell you that I've always found women's bodies more of a turn on than men's bodies.  I'm questioning whether or not I might be straight."

If he said that, my world would shatter.  It would be like being punched in the stomach.  I'd probably have insomnia for months.  It would be awful.

Steve wrote:

I think that for people who are quite accustomed to sliding up and down the Kinsey Scale having a 'fluid' sexual orientation is no big deal. They see it as no big deal in themselves and they see it as no big deal in their partners. All I can tell you is that rightly or wrongly - for a STRAIGHT person - it IS a big deal.

Speaking only for myself as a gay man, if my partner started questioning his sexuality, it would be huge and extremely traumatic.  It would mean that I could lose him.  And I'd also start to wonder if he had ever been truly into me at all.

You guys have been through hell on earth.

After having imagined that painful scenario, I now completely agree with you that Justme needs to be totally sure before talking with her husband.  The problem is, she's already said something to him.  I wonder how she can make this better for him going forward.

 

CajunBelle, your post made me feel like I should add some more information.  

But first, I can empathize with everything you've written below.  I've been on this board long enough to understand the absolute misery and heartbreak of straight spouses as much as I possibly can.  Although, having not lived through it myself, I will of course never feel it fully.  

You wrote: 

CajunBelle wrote:

"The gay spouse's path promises enormous reward: freedom and finding love to look forward to in acting on natural SSA."

[color=#000000]The path of a gay spouse in no way promises great reward.  All it does is turn LGBT people into angry, self-hating, self-denying, emotionally twisted "pretzels" that lose their integrity and self-respect.

And once they are set free from the straight marriages, their lives are not at all the "blissful, riding off into the sunset."  It's often the exact opposite.

Reason being: Gay people who have sacrificed their instincts and integrity to be in a straight marriage are generally emotional basket cases as they come out of their straight marriages. They have hated themselves and lived in abject terror for a long time. And, once their straight marriage is over, they generally remain self-destructive and have many problems with intimacy with other gay people.

They also -- universally -- go through an adolescent phase where they act like immature idiots and make fools of themselves in front of other gay people, who end up rejecting them for acting that way.  

While they are being immature idiots, they are either 1. Rejected by other gay people OR 2. They attract gay partners who are equally as messed up as they are.  This makes for one of two options: 1. Loneliness from being constantly rejected OR 2. Explosive, horrific relationships with another unstable gay person.  

This is not gay life in general!  Many "out" gay people are very psychologically healthy.  But this is the typical experience of a g