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General Discussion » Pride Month & MO Relationship » July 9, 2019 1:34 pm

SecondAct
Replies: 10

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Pride Month took on a new meaning and feeling after having a spouse come out as gay. Unlike some of the posts I have read, my process moved rather quickly. I was informed on Sunday, September 10th that my spouse was gay and I filed for divorce that Thursday. He had been involved in relationships throughout the summer, and asked for a divorce. I saw no need to wait, so I filed as soon as I could.  

I'm a middle school teacher, so the inclusion and celebration of diverse background has always been important to me. Students are learning about and exploring their sexuality in middle school, and I tell them that all are welcome in my classroom. The language around the LGBTQ community tends to be divisive; it's polarizing and extreme. After having a spouse come out as gay I started to listen to the conversations surrounding this community more. The people who are anti-LGBTQ I just want to shake and say, "Do you want to walk this walk I am going through with your daughter? Son?" I don't think so. If not, then the language needs to be less severe and needs to stop pushing people into the shadows. Harsh language and legislation does not make people disappear. It makes them hide and pretend. And as we know, that pretending doesn't last forever. 

I support the advocacy for the LGBTQ community, but I struggle with where my voice/story is acceptable. When I read stories about people coming out, specifically those who have been married, it is a celebration and the voices of their families are silenced. The pain, loss, devastation, and betrayal is discounted. Self-discovery is wonderful, but I struggle when it is done at another's expense. I don't want anyone to not be who they are, but I don't know if people (the masses) understand the pain that lurks just below the surface.

This is a recovery process that has many layers and is unlike anything else I've experienced. I am grateful for those who are brave enough to share their stories to let others know they are not alone. T

General Discussion » What's First? The Chicken or The Egg? » July 9, 2019 1:05 pm

SecondAct
Replies: 7

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MJ,

This is something I've struggled with as well. My ex-husband echoed a lot of the characteristics yours did, as well as other people's in these threads. One comments he said during our divorce was that he did not believe he could live the lifestyle he wanted (be successful, be accepted in the community, etc.) as a gay man. This caused him to hide his authentic self and try to live the life of a straight individual. The problem, however, is that it slowly ate away at him. His unhappiness caused him to lash out and try to control/isolate me in the process until he could no longer fake it anymore. 

It has now been 2 years since he came out and our divorce, and I now feel sadness for him in the sense that something happened in his life that prevented him from thinking that he could live a complete and successful life as a gay man (it has taken a long time to get to this mindset). We are young (we both were under 30 when he came out), so it saddens me that younger people still feel as though they won't be accepted for who they are. Don't get me wrong, I'm angered at the fact that he felt as though it was okay to manipulate and betray me in the process, but I feel as though there are a lot of layers here. 

This is a club that no one wants to join, but it's wonderful having support. It's difficult to explain to people who have not walked this walk. Much love to you all! 

General Discussion » Strategies for night time? (De_Profundis comment in another thread) » July 9, 2019 12:45 pm

SecondAct
Replies: 11

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*I did not share a room with him (that was too painful). I also changed some of the bedding (pillows & throws) and took down certain decor so it didn't remind me of him. 

Things that have worked for me...
1) Gratitude journal. I begin and end the day with this process; it pulls me out of my head. I write down 3-5 things in the morning and evening. In the evening I write down things that went well that day, made me smile, or that I'm grateful for. It helps me focus on the positive, which aided in going to sleep. 
2) A show in the background for noise that had nothing to do with me XH. For example, Golden Girls was a top pick for me. 
3) Puppy dog snuggles. 
4) A go-to friend/family member to call and chat with before bed that can put you in a good mood or be a distraction. 

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