This is my first post. Trying to sort through things.

So I'm 90% sure my wife is gay because she has told me she wants a relationship with me but not a sexual one and that she has sexual feelings with the idea of women but not me. What's challenging is she refuses to identify as gay even though she's told me she identifies "more the other way" and that she's viewed lesbian porn but never fantasizes about being with a man. 

There's a lot of shame for her with this idea of possibly being gay growing up in a religious Christian household. I realized how strong this shame was when I asked her, "It sounds like you are gay. Is that true?" She broke down crying and asked me to never say that again.

What I'm struggling with is my values that I have for marriage to be a lifelong commitment and monogamous. I think back to our wedding day and the vows we took and the "for better or for worse" that was shared.

I know my wife doesn't want to lose me and I don't want to lose her because we have a strong emotional bond and companionship with one another – just very sexually unsatisfying for us both.

Because we have no kids and no mortgage, I think of the advice I'd give a friend who would go through this and I might say something like, "You're still young and have your life ahead of you."

I'm afraid if I were to decide to separate or divorce that she would all the sudden gain more clarity and then end up with another man. Or, maybe she's actually more bi, but doesn't realize it? Or, I would move forward from this and the next relationship I have I'm asked, "Well, why did you divorce?" And my best response is, "My wife was just really confused about her sexuality and I couldn't take it." For some reason, I feel like I should be stronger than this.

But on the flip side, an open MOM seems like something I didn't sign up for (she hasn't asked for this, but I'm looking at all options) and seems like a whole lot of trouble and like your marriage sort of ceases and a new one is