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Strategies for MOM's » New here and looking for some orientation » May 23, 2019 6:49 pm

lolita17
Replies: 21

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OutofHisCloset wrote:

  And in your hurt neither should you try to subtly shift the blame onto the forum, either, by saying that you didn't receive enough or the right kind of help on this forum, especially when the main site supplies links for other forums. .

I just made my comment because I tried to connect to these groups but I was not successful.  This forum is actually the best resources I ve found were I could connect with people wo had similar experience and I believe others might have had the same experience the same.  I think at some point any straight spouse is questioning whether they want to work it out or not.  Of course it s just an informative forum, I don t think anyone here take decision based on what they find here only. 
 

Strategies for MOM's » New here and looking for some orientation » May 22, 2019 5:59 am

lolita17
Replies: 21

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Hi all,

Its been a while since I did not post here.  Not a lot happened actually.  Anyways just to keep you updated my husband and I are separated now.  He decided to move out.  Our kids spend the week end with him for now.  At some point at tried to ask him to just take some time to think about what we should do but he keep saying that he feels so broken by the way I rejected him that he could not find the strength to stay.  

One thing I wanted to share here is that I found that there is not enough here in term of advice to. bring the MOM discussion on the table.  Like in the support area there is this first aid kit that I found very useful but it does not include anything that suggest the possibility for a MOM.  I realize that the forum seems to be more oriented to separation or divorce discussions.  The section on MOM remains really poor and I guess an update on the first aid kit in the support section and adding a more specific first aid for MOM could help.

Support » How do you deal with doubts? » April 2, 2019 8:35 am

lolita17
Replies: 15

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Hello Mimi, I love reading your posts because it is really similar to my own story.  It s been a while since I have not posted here as I needed some time to think and reflect.  I realized several things, once we found teh evidence related to the gay thing, we fell in fear.  We re afraid all our life was a lie and we start thinking and acting out of fear.  Nothing good can come out of fear.

Now you need to understand that there. not only one person afraid here.  Your husband is also scared he might loose you and everything you built together.

You have no business getting into an open marriage if this is not what you signed up for.  What you need to ask your man. is proof of his commitment to YOU and only YOU.

For example, If you re not comfortable with him watching gay porn (Ideally any kind of porn), he needs to demonstrate that he s trying to avoid that. etc...

You and you therapist can't fix your husband, but if he is really committed to your relationship, he will do whatever it takes and get teh help he needs.

I think that s the only ultimatum we need to give our gay spouses, go figure out if there are really committed to the relationship and take action to save it.  You should list what will make you feel comfortable but you need to wait for him to tell you first what he want to commit to and how he will demonstrate that.  Then you'll add whatever you need that s not on the list.

Based on that you ll have a base to determine of you re making progress or not.  It will require you to determine how much intimacy you can have at this point too.  But set your boundaries.

One thing my therapist made me realize is that I have been expecting my husband to tell me the entire truth but it was too hard for me.  I realized that he actually told me the truth in indirect ways.  So think again about the conversations you ve had with your husband.  If he s admitting he s doing something wrong and is willing to get help by himself because of his commitment to

Is He/She Gay » Did I just open a can of worms? » March 20, 2019 8:57 pm

lolita17
Replies: 7

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Nibbler,

"Here's the thing. We have a wonderful relationship. He's my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else in the world, and the idea that he has an attraction to men has me feeling pretty much lied to."  I could hear myself saying these words.  My dear, take the time to read the stories here and you will understand that most of us have the same stories.  My husband keep saying that he s just curious etc.... and can t understand why I am making a big deal.  But guess, you might not agree but porn itself is an issue in marriage.  As long a s your husband is getting enough satisfaction by himself to the point that he denies you what you are entitled to you should be worried.  

You are lucky to have found this now that you are a new wed.  I have been married for 9 years and I still consider myself lucky in comparison to those who were married with a gay man for 30-45 years.

Now can you do something about it. Yes but only if your man want to recognize the problem.  Reading your story I feel like it can be both easy and complicated.  Easy because you seem to be open, and agreed to let him enjoy kinks most women would be suspicious about.  Hard because he might be afraid to lose you because of the betrayal.  I would suggest that you continue to be opened with him.  Show him that you are only concerned about improving your sex life for the success of your relationship.  Try not to judge.  Of course this is going to be super hard.  but at least you have to try.  

I also suggest that you read the first aid kit in the general forum.  it will give you idea on what to do.  I know how disappointed this can be for you.  I suggest you get help for yourself with a therapist too.

Take care, we are ere for you.

Much love Lolita

Support » Moving on » March 5, 2019 11:46 am

lolita17
Replies: 8

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Mimi, I totally relate thaw you feel.  I already told my husband about divorce and we both agreed on the procedure.  Unfortunately where I live divorce is only about the relationship and there is another procedure for child custody and separation of assets.  He suggested something for separation of assets but it s totally unfair to me.  So I need to find the best way to tell him.  But the real mistake I have made was to talk about divorce while I was not ready.  I don t have a place to go yet.  So I can t even think about taking my kids with me.  

So don t be emotional as it was said before. Divorce is a legal transaction so you need to consider it as is after you have processed your emotions and have a solid plan.  You might feel now that you can t stay with him but when you take your time to think you might be able to stay a little longer until you re ready.  What is important is the boundaries you set and of course of safe you feel.  But please take the time to process your emotions first.  Are you seeing an individual counselor ? I think this will be very helpful.  There is a book I read call "Conscious uncoupling", that might help you if you think that you still have a chance and a need to stay friend with your STBX.  For example if you have kids this will be very helpful.  Take care and wish you the best.  

Strategies for MOM's » New here and looking for some orientation » March 5, 2019 11:08 am

lolita17
Replies: 21

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You may have jumped a few steps ahead of where you should start... because first (I think) you have to give yourself time to decide if this is really what you want, and what being accepting of his need to explore his feelings will do to YOU. Because once you set rules you may find it difficult to change them...

I actually kind of feel this way too.  Maybe I moved too fast.  Maybe I should have tried to fight more before I brought the divorce conversation.  I suggested that I would leave teh house because it s a house we rent and I can't afford it by myself.  Other than that I can rent an apartment, I have a job and the resources to sustain myself and the kids but it will not be the same.  I guess I should have prepare myself better before telling him that I don t wanted to continue.  In fact It s not that I want to leave but I don t want to stay in this dark place called denial.  So I feel like I m forced to do something I don t want because he s not ready to give me what I need.  It s already hard because I don t even know If I can deal with a MOM.  But If I had to it would need to be a monogamous one anyways.  I am not willing to accept my husband going elsewhere to satisfy his needs.  

Support » It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all » March 2, 2019 8:57 am

lolita17
Replies: 16

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Mimi,

I can absolutely relate.  t least you husband agrees he s bi.  Mine does not want to talk about anything. Even the the porn addiction.  If at least he was ready to admit this porn addiction thing I would be ready to explore way we can try to improve things.  I know the denial is the only place I refuse to stay in at all cost.  Divorce is a hard price but this is where we re heading now.  To get that I even played the bad one.  Told him that I wanted to divorce not because of TGT but because I felt unfulfilled in our relationship for so long.  I actually really convinced myself.. But how can a woman in our situation could feel fulfilled anyways.  I guess at some point we need our big girl panties and do what ever we need to reclaim our lives.  I used to feel guilty and in despair too.  But I realize that divorce is not my end goal.  My end goal is to a have the relationship my husband and I committed to when we got married.  As far as I remember, TGT was not part of this contract.  

Strategies for MOM's » New here and looking for some orientation » March 2, 2019 8:38 am

lolita17
Replies: 21

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We are leaving with our 2 kids and my mother mother in law so there s no way for him to have someone else in.  IWe did have counseling and at some point the counselor told me that it was just a fantasy so we should focus on improving our relationship think I tried several times to get him to explain me the situation but I was not successful.  I think I was not able to show him that I could understand and forgive.  I believe my husband loves me but can t admit the truth. I believe he feels too guilty about it.  I have many reasons to be willing to stay with my husband including, friendship, sexual attraction, our kids and life together.  However I understand that this have been affected by whatever he has done.  Unfortunately I was not able to hear him admit that porn of any kind itself was a threat to our relationship.  I guess I need to swallow my hopes that we could be a good candidate for a trial MOM.   

Strategies for MOM's » New here and looking for some orientation » February 26, 2019 6:01 pm

lolita17
Replies: 21

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So now I realize I m closer to separation than a MOM.  My husband is still in denial although our therapist made me realize that he actually told me a lot indirectly.  Now that I know that something is going on about TGT, 

My husband asked me for separation because he feels like I no longer love him and he needs time to mourn.  I might have been too though on him the way I was confronting.  Not sure about that.  He kept asking me what I wanted him to do so we could move forward with the relationship.  The truth was the only thing I needed to start with but only got it in indirect words I could not understand.

I ended up feeling tired and impatient.  It s been 4 month since I found evidence about TGT.  But almost a year since I started feeling that we seriously needed to work on our relationship.  I feel that my husband loves me to the best of his abilities and is really sincere.  On another side I am craving for more but I want to be fair, if we have a chance.

Now he acts like he wants to move forward with teh separation than I do.  I am not sure if it s because he s so hurt or if he has another plan in mind.  He asked me to leave the house for a few days.  Which I agreed to.  I should come back this week end. Not sure what we ll be able to discuss then.

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