OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- lily72
- New member
Offline
YIKES
Well I feel I have been once again manipulated into trying to make this wrk,I know in my heart its going to fail miserably, I know this because his need for gay porn and anal masturbation has started to escalate again..i am trying to stay focused on myself and getting prepared for the BIG SHOW....the day I walk away, or better yet kick his ass to the curb. I don't want to start over again, I am 45 and sick of failed relationship's. he keep trying to convince me that he will never cheat again and that he wont lose me over that stuff as he calls it..but when he send me texts about his masturbating and how good it feels ect I want to puke..then when I react negatively, he says! Sorry we are not on the same page,,WTH TIRED CONFUSED and fed up...just want to be left alone. Go masturbate but why tell me about it...why does he want to stay married??? How can he love me and crave men??? All those nasty head games of unanswered questions. Everyone tells me how he looks at me with such deep love,and they envy his love for me!!! Even my gf who knows the situation is mind boggled, when he is home he is desperately in love with me..like jekyl and hide
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: YIKES
What he's doing is right out of the narcissism playbook: love-bombing, devalue, discard. He's knows what hooks you in and re-secures you: the feeling of being loved. Once he knows you're inclined his way, then he devalues you by sending those pictures that he knows you find revolting. When you don't react to those by leaving, he knows what the boundaries are, what he can get away with. It's all a form of abuse. And it's all part of the closet mentality. He wants a beard. You want a husband. You don't have one, except in name only.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: YIKES
Liliy72,
First a little compliment to cheer you up; 45 is not that old.
Second. What you have is called distrust. Its very hard..there are no take backs with TGT.. In a sentence; if he meets a guy for a beer is it 2 buddies getting together or a date? Why should you have to wonder or be jealous? This these spouses will never understand.
Tell him the trust is gone. Tell him he is hurting you. But I'm not sure what to do... the doubt he created will gnaw at you and cause anxiety etc.. I do not think that is what love is supposed to be.. I lived it and it made me feel desperate and devalued..it made me shake... At some point I decided I could not live like that.. but mine was actively cheating and discarding me.. I was only given confusing signals for awhile but she had stopped coming near me physically (I love you but dont touch me..let me text my girlfriend).
Don't think to you have to live this way forever.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: YIKES
Lily,
Don't feel bad for trying to make it work. That shows the quality of your character. You loved him deeply and honestly and committed yourself to your marriage. When weaker people would have pulled up the tent stakes and moved to another camp.. you have stayed and honored your vows and tried everything to keep your marriage. Feel proud of yourself for persevering and don't beat yourself up.
You are a hero, not a failure.
But that doesn't mean you have to continue indefinitely. You know that your marriage won't be healthy for you and you are preparing yourself to move on. When you reach that conclusion, do so with confidence knowing that you've done everything possible to make it work and you know the truth.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: YIKES
Hi Lily,
I wholeheartedly agree with OoHC - he's manipulating you with the love bombing to keep you, and then pushing you to test where the boundaries are. He may feel as though if he tells you enough about the stuff that you don't like, you'll get used to it and the shock value will wear off, and you'll begin accepting it more. I had someone do that with me (not my ex, but a man I was dating after we split). He wanted to do things in the bedroom that I didn't want to do. I told him as much. But we got along in other ways, so we kept dating / sleeping together. And he just kept casually bringing up the stuff that I TOLD him I wasn't interested in. It got to the point where I was like, "WHY do you want to be with me? I'm NOT going to be dominant in the bedroom. Go find someone who likes that stuff. If I did that, it would be for you - not for me. And I can't have it always be about you." And he'd assure me that he understood, that he was sorry for misleading me into thinking that this was a big deal to him, because it's not. And then...... he'd start all over again - like, DAYS later. One time we were out to breakfast and he was trying to make a case for cuckholding - where I could see/sleep with whomever I wanted, but he had to remain committed. I'd HAD it - I didn't want that. I wanted someone that valued me too much to pass me around like a good taco dip. So I figured I'd test HIM - I said, "Okay, so...... what if I said I want to do this?", and sure enough, he had a partner lined up already and standing at the ready for our phone call. As in,.... he'd taken out an ad on Craigslist that morning, describing he and I as a couple, and stating what we wanted. So I walked. It was obvious that even when he was trying to convince me that this was no big deal to him, he was tirelessly working away at trying to get me used to the idea of stuff that didn't turn me on - even disgusted me. One time he texted me on accident, when he should have sent the text to his friend. It said something like, "Just go gentle on this - she can't know what we're trying to do here. Let her get used to it a bit." WTF?!? What am I, a f'ing TOY? Just some plaything? Why bother trying to convince me you want a relationship, then? Why tell me you love me? You don't love ME - you love what you think I'll do. Ish.
It's all a big freaking game. One that you can decide you don't feel like playing anymore.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.