Hi Andy,
Boy, what a profound statement: Never imagining posting on the straight spouse network! We call it the club none of us wanted to join, but thankful it's here when we need it. So sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place. You will get lots of good advice and suggestions here , use what works for you. We have several active men who post, and I'm sure you will here from them. There is , for the risk of sounding totally sexist, a familiar pattern with the women that come out of the closet, and the men. It's gut wrenching to say the least. Your wife has known this for a very long time, and you will most likely be playing catch up. And as trite as this sounds, better now than later. Many of us endured decades of marriage, with kids getting damaged in the middle of this nightmare, not knowing what exactly we were dealing with, because our spouse didn't have enough guts to tell us. I felt like a complete failure in the beginning of my nightmare also, ( married 30+)  But I've learned along my very painful journey that he was the failure, because he preferred to live his entire life as a lie, and risk his family's health and safety. Be careful not to be her therapist, you didn't let anything happen. Take care of yourself, if possible, confide in a friend or family member. You can also reach out on the home page of this organization for a face to face group, depending on where you live. Don't try to go it alone. Keep posting, we are listening.

P.S.
Your English is great!

I don't want to come across as harsh but I think from your post that you already know what you want: a monogamous marriage with a wife who desires you above all others - male or female. Your wife has already told you that she desires women, is spending less time with you and you feel like you are "second to her interest in women."

This is not a problem that can be patched up because it goes to the core of each of you as human beings. You are straight and she is not. It is not your fault or her fault but simply is a fact. With both of you "fast approaching 30" the kindest thing that you can do for each other may be to admit that this is not going to work and divorce.

You both - God willing - have many years of life ahead but they don't have to be as spouses in an unhappy marriage.

Thank you so much for your replies. It always helps to get another input on things, I’ll try answering some of it and posting an update.

Yeah, I reckoned this forum was created out of need, but it really is assuring to know that other people get through this (and even a lot worse), it gives me hope. We are planning on going to a psychologist together. I have close friends and family that supports me, and I’ll check if there is a group near me, but none I can see on the page is (closest is Nottingham, and that’s still a days journey by car). About being her therapist in all this, I simply can’t. I have enough with just sleeping, eating and other basic needs. Thankfully I have leave from work till the end of the month, so I have some time to sort myself at least. 

I guess it is possible to make this marriage work again, but I don’t know if it would be viable. She says she wants to stay together and that I’ll be the only one for her, but even though I want to belive her, I have this nagging doubt that she says this without knowing if she can control her attraction, I guess she didn’t choose to fall for another woman, but she did.

So what happened since last? We sat down and talked. Really talked like we hadn’t done in ages, shared feelings, fear anger and talked it over. It was a conversation that surely would’ve made dr.Phil proud. She said she has found out she is attracted to men as well as women and told me what really happened and led up to this attraction to another woman. The only problem? I caught her lying, and of course, the conversation quickly morphed into something more worthy of judge judy than dr.phil. One step forward, three steps back.

A day later we had another talk. This seemed different, she looked like she was unraveling at the seams, quite frankly more like she was unable to keep a secret. She shared a lot more than earlier when I asked her questions. Her crush is a colleague who is open about her lesbian orientation. She claims she started developing feelings for her some six months ago, felt scared but still continued pursuing these feelings without. She has talked this over with literally all her friends before she could muster the courage to tell me. She also came out to her crush, and said she got some good advice on how to deal with coming out.

Another day later I realised there are unanswered questions around her talk with her crush. I tugged at some strings, but her answers were always short and avoiding. I confronted her, said that I think she’s lying and withholding the truth. She breaks down again, claims that she doesn’t remember anything about this. I admit I can be a real pain in the ass when we’re arguing, I suggested that she can show me her journal. She was reluctant, but let me read it after a lot of crying.

Oh my god. Perhaps I shouldn’t expect else from a personal journal, but her feelings for this crush was A LOT more vivid and deep than she told me. Also, this crush of her had apparently seen this coming a year, and I belive she must have picked up on the feelings, but my wife upholds that her crush has no idea. She also described what her friends said when she came out to them, and how she’s weeding them out by who supports her orientation and who of them who had concerns. She describes how she identifies herself much more as a lesbian than bi. I can’t say I’m thrilled about what the future has to offer, but by the looks of me I’m going to be single again. She begged me to wait until we at least had a chance to see the psychologist, but really... I was genuinely positive to this whole keeping together-deal when I had the feeling she was honest, but turns out, I really can’t ever know if she’ll be honest, even when she swears to tell the truth.

On a related note: Don’t you have a shortage on nurses in the states? Looks like I’m relocating some time soon >_<