Vee,

You will never fully understand it.  I get how much you want to - we all feel that way - especially in the beginning.  And to some degree, you always will.  You won't likely understand better as time goes on - you will just begin to accept not understanding more.  Because you will never fully understand it.  And that's because part of what hurts so much about this is that we cannot wrap our heads around how they could have lied to us so much for so long.  Because we aren't that type of person.  Unless you are the type that can understand being able to do that yourself, you will NOT "get" it.

Have you ever read a story about a parent abusing a child, or a person abusing a pet, and thought, "HOW could they do this???  WHY would they do this?"  We can't understand.  And thank God - because if we could, it would mean that we could see ourselves doing something like that (even if we had no intention to).  We do this all.the.time in life.  We can think certain things are a tragedy, but understand how they happened.  Take shaken baby syndrome, for instance.  If you've ever had a newborn/infant who cried a ton, you may be able to relate to the overwhelming urge to make it stop.  To the impulsive helplessness that boils up inside of you when you're already exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling a POP of energy to DO something.... NOW!  Now, that doesn't mean that we DID such a thing, or think we ever would.  But we might understand how this sort of thing happens - how it could happen.  It's not something that's planned out as intentional.  It's a lack of impulse control at one moment in time that results in horrific results.  By contrast, locking a kid in a closet without food or water for days at a time is NOT the same thing - it requires active, ongoing thought organization and treatment that is cruel and intentional.  THAT we cannot understand.

This is the same.  Most of us can understand how a person could get drunk with coworkers and have a kiss and then pull back and freak out.  We wouldn't like it, but we.... get it.  Having an ongoing affair is NOT the same thing.  Especially if the affair was intentional and orchestrated.  THAT is what you're dealing with here.  You're dealing with someone who has lied to you and hid things from you and deceived you and betrayed you - repeatedly.  You may see it as the result of him being gay but not feeling free to be so - of a confused, tortured individual.  But the truth is that a person can be tortured and confused withOUT deceiving and betraying.  You are not supposed to be angry with him for being gay.  You are entitled, however, to be angry with him for keeping things from you, for lying to you, for actively deceiving you so that he could do what he wanted - even when it served NO other purpose but his own gratification.  It had no potential of ever being anything but destructive to his marriage.  And he chose it - repeatedly.  Because he cared more about getting his rocks off the way he wanted than he did about not breaking your tender heart, or exposing you to disease.  THAT you get to be mad about.  And if you aren't, you will be.  Or should be.  If you look at all of this as being about him, and how he needs the support and what's happened to you is merely incidental, then you are not going to heal.  You will just think the world is a cruel place.  It can be.  But this wasn't the world's fault.  This lies squarely on your husband's shoulders.

As for him not being able to be alone, well,.... he should have thought about that before he did intentional, repetative things to alienate you.  He has this other guy now.  He chose him.  Let him have him.  I don't CARE if the dude isn't around all week.  That's not YOUR problem.  Think of it this way - being there for your husband all along hasn't made him any better.  Staying isn't going to make it any better.

I realize that you have a kind, soft heart.  Most (if not all) of us here do, too.  It's why we're here - because people who don't put up with bullshit would leave immediately and not be worried about their spouse's journey and supporting them.  You need to understand though that deciding to be apart from him doesn't make you not kind-hearted.  It means that you're a kind-hearted person who's decided that you don't want to be around toxicity only for the sake of being able to look good to the toxic person.  What good does that do anyone?  WHY would you stay with someone that has done such awful things to you?  So you can be seen as good?  I challenge you to think about that - it's something I very much struggled with.  I kept  putting my ex first (even after we divorced), because I wanted to be the person who didn't fight, wasn't greedy, was a wonderful ex.  Guess what?  NO ONE CARES about that but ME.  Correction - no one CARED - because now even I don't.  People should not get to treat us like crap and have us just roll over and tell them we're here as their punching bag if they need one.  WHY?  Do they deserve that? NO!  My current husband helped me to see that my ex (and one of my sons, who is a whole other story) was using my heart against me - as a weapon.  Let me repeat that..... they were using my best, finest trait against me.  Because they knew it'd work.  They took a good , wonderful thing and manipulated it into something that could be used to their benefit.  It was never enough, though.  They just kept coming back for more.  And more.  Until one one day, I hit maximum capacity and said no more!  You cannot take advantage of me with my permission.  I have a lot to give.  If you only want to use me, then I'll go give my love elsewhere - where it's appreciated and reciprocated.  And I did that.  And I wish I'd done so much earlier.

We are made to help one another, and love each other.  We are NOT called to be taken advantage of.  It's a waste of our hearts and our kindness.  We were put here to build each OTHER up.  If it's a one-way street, you're on the wrong damned block.

All the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 3, 2017 3:00 pm)

Thanks Kel I hear what your saying.