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Tue Jul 4 11:29 am  #1

Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

My story is like most here.  I was with a woman for 16 years, married the last 4 and she left me for a woman.

Politically, I am a very Progressive person and I have always thought everyone should have equal rights, and still do, not matter what a person's class, color, sexuality or religion is.  

The problem is, every time I see a lesbian couple, I can't help but see my former wife and her girlfriend reflected in them...  I guess the pain is still too close to the surface for me.  I can hardly stand to look at a lesbian couple now, and it makes me feel horribly guilty.  I'd never do or say anything to them, but I still feel like a big dick.

Is this a strange thing that I'm feeling, or somewhat common among our little "tribe"?

Anyone have any ideas for dealing with this?  Thanks, everyone.


Tue Jul 4 12:56 pm  #2

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

I don't know about anyone else's feelings, but when I see a transwoman my blood boils and I just want to get away.  This happens despite my understanding of gender dysphoria, despite my sympathy for how awful it is not to feel at home in one's body, despite my belief trans people should not face discrimination in housing, jobs, etc.
     Like you, I've always been liberal, tolerant, pro-GLBT rights.  But ever since this experience with my husband wanting to be a woman, and living with the particulars of it, I want nothing to do with anything trans.  I'd be happy never to hear the word again, or to ever again be in a situation or place in which I hear, see, or have anything to do with anything trans.  I suspect we associate our private pain with the general state, and when we heal it'll cease to have power over us.  That's my hope, anyway.


Tue Jul 4 4:15 pm  #3

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

My anger was not when I saw a gay couple but when I saw men  without male partners who I presumed were gay.  (Let me add that I suspected almost every man was gay!)  If the man was with a woman I thought  someone should warn her but I did stay sane enough to know that would be highly inappropriate. Observing them though did make me very uncomfortable and I had to distract myself or leave..

When I was over my ex and hoping to meet a nice single straight man I didn't see a dating pool but a shark tank. That was the hardest part of recovery for me, taking chances and learning to trust. Being a co-dependent during my marriage I still have a lot of recovery work to do.



Tue Jul 4 8:39 pm  #4

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

If you have an accident near fire and get burned you will naturally have a fear of flames. 
If you fall from great height (and survive) don't be surprised if you develop a new fear of heights. 
Get stung by a bee and you'll be a bit leery of being close to them afterwards. 

Devote your life to someone and have them destroy you because they are gay.. don't be surprised if seeing and being around gay people is difficult because of the pain it represents.  This doesn't mean you hate them or will do anything rude to them, but it should be no surprise that you have some emotions that are hard to deal with. 

My personal observations are interesting to me.  I'm even more comfortable around my gay friends than I ever was before, but I'm less comfortable with LGBT as a "group" or a "topic" or a "movement".  My discomfort is on the whole, but it doesn't translate to a specific individual. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Tue Jul 4 8:54 pm  #5

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

Hi Mirky,

For the first three weeks after discovery I had very long showers, I just needed the cleansing feeling of the water running over me - it kept me sane, 90 minutes under the shower one day.

On a visceral level the repugnance needs to come out - you've been sleeping with someone who doesn't fancy you, who is turned off from wanting sex by the touch the smell the sight of you.  It seems right to me that you feel it when seeing a lesbian couple - try not to grimace too much and you'll be fine.  It gets easier.

It's the closet gays/lesbians that bother me, but I have got to a point now where I can hold my own - it's not overwhelming I remain in my zone and not upset by their company - in short doses only.



Wed Jul 5 1:21 am  #6

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

I'm sorry to say it, but I'm glad to see many of you have more trouble than I do with this, though please don't think I do not empathize with what every one of you have said..  I guess I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

The weirdness of it for me comes from the idea that if she left me for a man, would I have trouble being around other men?  I don't think so.  I also don't have trouble with gay men, I suppose since they had nothing to do with my situation.  

It's strange.  Of course, I love to be around straight women, but it doesn't take much to set off my "lesbian gaydar" anymore.  If I see a woman laugh with another woman for too long of a time, I start to assume they're lesbians.  Certain haircuts, which might not be fair, but could be accurate indicators.  I may be being too honest, but I think that is best.  

Thanks for all your comments.  They are awesome and very helpful.


Last edited by Mirky (Wed Jul 5 1:23 am)

     Thread Starter

Wed Jul 5 2:22 am  #7

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

yes there are lots of lesbians lots and lots of them and probably even more in the closet than with the gay men.

Femme lesbians are very charming.  I've come to recognise that extra sparkle as them being attracted to me.

They seem to get the best men and they just don't care what they're doing to them - they suffer, I see it all around me.  I know two married women, they have one of their little laughing sessions I feel disgusted at them.

You are lucky Mirky to get out when you did - it just gets worse, the emotional pain the straight husband is in might be hidden but it eventually becomes overwhelming and you don't even want to enlighten them after a certain age.


Mon Jul 17 2:18 pm  #8

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

I'm glad this topic was brought up.
I felt horrible that my views on gays in general had changed. I to am very equal rights. Love who you want to love be who you are but since my wife came out my views have changed. I can't help but see them as evil, manipulative liars.
Before anybody says anything yes I know this is irrational and you can't blame all gays for the actions of one. Like what was already said you get burned and your a little more cautious around fire. I see it as part of our survival instincts. Once you get hurt by something you become much more aware of it and it can take on a negative meaning. It gets added to our survival watch list is the best way I can describe it.
Again I am happy this topic was brought up.


Mon Jul 17 3:23 pm  #9

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

A few weeks ago....when I thought it was a woman my man was seeing, and knowing the type of women he was attracted to in the open r'ship.....EVERY woman of that type I would pass in the street, see on tv....I'd 
feel threatened by thoughts of "is THAT what she looks like?"...."..IS that her?". It was doing my head in, so 
much that although I knew it was happening I couldn't stop doing it !@#$ 
Now I know my 'competition' is male....all that has stopped....dead! Bisexual isn't a label men wear as a visual thing so....I have nothing to feel threatened by. I'm so confused....


*between a rock and a hard place*

Sat Jul 22 3:34 pm  #10

Re: Dealing with homosexual ill-feelings...

I completely understand. I find I am that way with gay men. Although I don't have a problem with lesbians. I do hope my feelings toward gay men change as I continue to heal. I think it is part of the process for me.


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