Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

July 6, 2017 6:30 pm  #1

So confused and unsure.

Hey Everyone,

So I guess I'll just throw it out there, my wife has a same sex attraction. Im going to try to give the cliff notes on this situation but if my emotions get the best of me and I start rambling, I apologize.

A bit of background about us; both 30 years old, 2 young daughters, married for 8 years, known each other since we were kids, extremely happy up until the news was broken. When we married we were both virgins which was very important to us, part of how we were raised. Our marriage has been great with no doubt in my mind that we would last forever, assuming she felt the same.

Fast forward to our 8th anniversary trip to Vegas, we had been drinking quite a bit and found ourselves in a threesome with one of her good friends that lived there. This was not planned and as any guys assumed fantasy, I didn't resist. A couple things left me confused about the situation in the days that followed. I found it odd that my wife didn't show any jealousy in my being with another woman (especially since we had only ever been with each other), it also left me confused inside as to how much she enjoyed it. We talked about how I felt and she assured me that everything was fine between us and it was just because it was something exciting and new. I accepted that and things continued on as normal.

Several months later, we were in a gay club out of town where some friends lived (which I was a little uncomfortable with but our friends knew the owner and I was trying to be not closed minded so I went). Anyway, we were all drinking, me not so much, and my wife makes out with a girl on the dance floor right in front of me. I was caught off guard, but in her defense, she was drinking and thought I would be into it because of the previous threesome. The next morning I flat out asked her if she liked girls. She hesitated for a second, then replied yes. My mind immediately began spinning. What does this mean? Is our marriage over? Has everything been a lie? This was hands down the hardest week of my life.

This was about a month ago and since then we have talked A LOT. I have learned about some depression that she has struggled with since she was younger and that she has had these feelings since high school. However, the feelings were never that strong but I suppose our threesome really validated what she had been feeling.

Here is where we are currently at. She says that I am the only man that she is attracted to, which makes it very difficult for me to comprehend. We both want to make it work and began counseling, but unfortunately I was only able to attend one session as I am about to deploy overseas for 6 months. She is going to continue going while I am gone to work through some of her issues. She says the feelings she has consume her and isn't able to give me 100% until she is able to sort through or handle them. I try to stay positive but this is all I think about and reading stories online of how wives leave their husbands in these situations has me expecting the worst. What I fear the most is that she attempts to fake it but ultimately realizes that she can't suppress these feelings and the marriage ultimately ends. These thoughts crush me and put me in a huge funk. I know what she tells me of how she feels but if she was able to hide this from me for so long, it makes it difficult for me to know if that's truly how she feels or if she just knows what I want to hear.

I'm not sure what I wanted from this post, I guess just to tell someone that is in the same situation. The few people that know can talk me through things but it can only help so much as they can't relate. Thanks for your time everyone.


July 6, 2017 7:40 pm  #2

Re: So confused and unsure.


So's not fair.  So when your away you have to worry who she is with. And she doesn't have to worry about you. 
In my mind no matter how much ones drinks they should not be making out with anyone.

I suggest finding a counselor for need not process this alone.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

July 6, 2017 8:03 pm  #3

Re: So confused and unsure.

Thanks for your response, Rob. I trust her 100% that she would not be with someone physically while I am gone as she assured me she is committed. The emotional part, I feel is a bit of a gray area with females as far as where friendship stops and where something more begins. I have been talking to the counselor here and probably will continue to while deployed.

     Thread Starter

July 7, 2017 5:39 pm  #4

Re: So confused and unsure.

At least you are getting some honesty, which is not always the case. I don't think it makes it hurt less but at least you don't have outright deception added to the pile.Can she remain happy with this area unexplored further? Will you be in doubt any time she has any reason to associate with a female friend? You both have lots to think about. Good luck.


July 8, 2017 7:12 pm  #5

Re: So confused and unsure.

You are right, Daryl. While I still wonder how she may have felt about me throughout our marriage ( if she was just going through the motions), she has not deceived me and I am thankful for that. You ask two questions that are constantly on my mind. Can she remain happy without exploring more? She is trying so hard to concentrate on us and not on her other feelings but I feel I make it more difficult for her at times because she notices how I feel. She can tell when my mind has been wandering and when I am pessimistic about the future.

Being in doubt about female friends is huge. She has reassured me that she will not act on any feelings but it is still always on my mind. As for now, I have no reason not to trust her and I pray it stays that way.

     Thread Starter

July 10, 2017 11:19 am  #6

Re: So confused and unsure.

You are in purgatory Robert.  I feel terrible for you.  

It's just awful to have to wait on the sideline for your spouse to decide whether or not she wants to remain committed and married to you.  

I know exactly how you feel about doubting female friends.  I struggled with that for years as I suspected my wife was lesbian and I worried many times that she might be having an affair with one of them.  I pray for your sake that she remains honest and respectful to you and doesn't cheat on you.  

I hope you can stay busy and keep your mind occupied while you are on this deployment.  

I'm not sure what other advice to give you right now, but know that I appreciate your service and I feel your pain.  I pray that things will go easy for you. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


July 10, 2017 3:58 pm  #7

Re: So confused and unsure.

Thanks for you understanding, Phoenix. She says she does want to remain committed and stay together, but how can I be sure of that? I know that I can't short of trusting her but I don't know how to get over these feelings of doubt and inadequacy. I screwed up the other night and straight up asked her if there was something between her and one of her good friends. I knew it would hurt her asking that because I told her that I trust her but I guess I just wanted her to say there wasn't for my own satisfaction. But I can't keep doing that to her, she wants everything to go back to how it was before she told me but its more difficult for me. Ive only known she felt this way for a month, she's known most of her life so its taking me some time.

I appreciate your kind words.

     Thread Starter

July 10, 2017 6:17 pm  #8

Re: So confused and unsure.

Your reactions and feelings are completely normal and understandable.  
It's hard to trust someone when you've just found out that she has as secret that she has kept from you that may tear apart your marriage.  Trust is one of the hardest issues for us to deal with.. even if they decide to stay with us, how do we trust them going forward?   
You shouldn't feel guilty about wondering and asking questions.  If she tries to guilt you, gently remind her that you are new to this understanding of who she is and what it implies.  

I wish i could offer advice to help you through this, but I don't know that I have anything to help.  All i can do is tell you that I feel your pain and understand what you are dealing with.  

Please continue posting.. writing out your feelings and sharing them here is very therapeutic.  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum