You do indeed deserve the truth. Keep posting, read what others here have said and think about what else you deserve and need. So far it sounds like he's been hiding way too much from you. What does he want? Hard to say but maybe it's the security of the wife as cover.

Amienough, you are! AND you deserve the truth, of course he's getting angry and defensive when you confront him on what he's trying to keep secret. I get you have a family and don't want the kids to live between two homes BUT at what cost are you prepared to keep that? I didn't see any of the signs you're seeing, I never suspected anything, didn't uncover any evidence, never suspected any gay inclinations at all. Oh I felt there was something off but never what I eventually heard after 28+ years married (and the activities were taking place for 25 of those years!). Do you want to put your life on hold until the kids are reared? 

Something I felt very angry about is that I was denied the right to choose, he made decisions for both of us, he decided HE (the real he) was more important than me or the truth. He denied me any part in how, what and when our kids found out. If you push for the truth now you can have some part to play in the roll out of whatever he's hiding and you can decide what's best for YOU going forward. You may decide for now it's best to keep the family together but at least you can decide how that works for you! Personally speaking I feel it would have been better for my children to have learned what they eventually learned in their 20s and left home when they were younger, spoon fed the information. Now they're looking back on their entire lives (for the youngest his father indulged in gay activities prior to his conception even), their whole foundation has been rocked, nothing is what they ever thought it was, it alters your outlook on life. It has my oldest thinking strongly about bringing kids into this world! They all thought they were from a stable foundation, finding out weeks after the youngest had left home that their father is gay and has been engaging in gay activities from their early childhood! Two of my three are struggling with their relationship with him, the third I feel is more supportive to him than me, our relationship is more on her terms but that's what I have to do to keep her in my life.

Sorry for rambling on a bit about my situation but I want you to think about what it'd be like for your kids to find out when they've left home, it may seem the better option to you now and I get that. I'm coming from where I didn't have the opportunity you have to lay it all out now and deal with it and you participate in the decision making. I'd urge you to push through and get to the bottom of it, tell him you NEED to know the truth now and not in 10 or 15 years time, because it will have to come out and be dealt with, it's only a matter of time. I always described my STBX as a "don't do today what you can put off till tomorrow" type of person, where I was always the "why put off till tomorrow what you can do today". BOY, little did I know what he was really putting off until tomorrow, he spent so long hoping tomorrow would never come, well it did come and it caused a massive explosion and my family will never be the same.

Keep posting!

 

I'm the cynical one - out of experience and plenty of watching train wrecks here.  If he's not present in his family, he's ALREADY cheated.  It may not be physical (although it most likely is), but in some way, he's cheating.  That vacant, faraway thing - combined with being easily annoyed - are a combination of falling for someone else and then resenting the people they have to be with for not being the person he really wants to be with.  Suddenly everything you do is annoying to him - because his heart is elsewhere.  The other thing that causes this is grand compartmentalization.  They have to compartmentalize everything in order to live with what they're doing.  So you are in your own box, and the kids are in their own box, and whomever he's spending time on the side is in their own box. True, healthy love lets all the boxes integrate.  You may have always had your own box, but there were other things in it besides you - love, laughter, companionship, and sex - among other things.  But now.... those items have been removed from the box he has with you in it.  You feel the vacancy because all those things used to belong to you - and now he's given them to someone else.

Now.... think about how you would respond if he were to ask YOU about whether you were cheating on him.  You might be insulted - somewhat.  But more likely - if you truly love him - you'd want to know what you're doing to make him feel that way.  And then you'd try to correct those things - to make him feel better.  If he said that you were giving all your free time to others, you'd give him more.  If he said that you don't talk to him anymore, you'd work at that.  You wouldn't just get defensive.  You would be most concerned with fixing what's making him feel crappy - so he didn't feel crappy.  Even if nothing that you were doing was technically.... "wrong".  If he's not doing that, you've got a problem there, hon.

Men don't look at other men's bodies with longing just because they want a similar body.  I only know one bodybuilder that was like that.  Who said that.  And he would up cheating - with men.  Straight men are NOT interested in other men's bodies.  It's repulsive to them.  They might ask a bro how many repetitions he did at what weight in order to build up his biceps like that.  But they wouldn't be looking through pics of dudes.  Nope, nope, nope.

You absolutely deserve the truth.  You are not likely to get it, unfortunately.  It's all going to come down to whether you're happy this way, whether you've communicated that to him, and what he's doing about it.  If he either can't or won't fix things, then you need to decide what you'd want to do if things never, ever changed.

Kel

When you're unmarried but considering someone you're dating as a potential spouse, you need to pay attention to EVERYthing.  What are their strong points?  What are their weak points?  If they have a memory problem, then you're going to be dealing with that moving forward.  If they have a faithfulness issue, then you will have more in the future.  The dating phase is one of best behavior.  If you're having big issues then, WALK AWAY.  Tying yourself to someone forever is a huge decision.  It shouldn't be taken lightly.  You should never feel as though your partner is "eh, good enough".  You should feel perfectly fitted to each other.  If not, MOVE ON.  You do not live in the jungle, with this being the only person for miles that you can pick.

Kel