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Sun Apr 23 9:25 am  #1


Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

Hi- I am so sorry all of you are going through this. It is truly heartbreaking. I have kept this to myself for the past 9 months. I have recently moved in with my mother (with my two kids). I feel the marrige is over, yet he swears he is straight and wants it to work. I need some advice from people that have been here. I have been with my husband for 4 years, married a little over a year. I was a single (divorced) mom and he was as a single dad. We got along great and he helped me a lot with my 9 year old son. The sex was awesome in the beginning. I ended up getting pregnant about 4 months in by accident. He moved in and didn't have a full time job but was always loooking for one. I lost the baby and was devastated. We tried for two years (had no doubt he was the one because he acted that way/said it) to get pregnant. Sex after the first 5 months was ALWAYS me initiating. I love sex and I loved it with him. I would be happy with sex every day-I'm never too tired to have sex or give head-just the way I am. Sex came less and less-he was tired/in pain/not feeling well. When we had it it was fine, but not very passionate. I thought it was because I was putting a lot of pressure on him for the baby, so I tried to make it fun. He would still rather fight abiut having sex than fucking me. I cried so many times next to him while he was mad at me for wanting sex when his back hurt. He was on antidepressants and Vicodin for his back. When I went to a fertility specialist after a year of no luck-I tested normal. I asked her about the Vicodin and she said it can cause low libido and lower his speed count. He got off the Vicodin and I was pregnant right away. I really didn't think anything was going on with anyone else because he was just so loving and great with my son as well as his. Last May when I was 4 months pregnant I asked to use his phone and he had no problem giving it to me because mine died (probably forgetting that he didn't delete something). I opened safari on a complete accident right in front of him looking something up. A Craigslist add with a pic of a penis in casual encounters showed up (not his). He lied and lied saying someone pranked him, then said that he was raped and looking at penises is how he deals with it. I said-try again-your talking to people this is Craigslist. He said he talked to them and was angry at them because he couldn't talk to his abuser. He SWORE he never met anyone and that it wasn't sexual. A few weeks later he was at work and I had his phone. I decided to search his email with certain words (even if they are deleted certain words will make the emails pop up. I just knew he was hiding way more than he was trelling me. And he was-he met everyone he talked to - asking for head, trans women he loved but mostly men-asked to meet men for threesomes sent pics asked men pic for pic, said he was bi curios, said he was into everything.... he is in intense therapy claiming it is not his sexuality but it is becasue of the rape. He WILL NOT have anything to do with sex right now because he says he doesn't want it. He swore he would never do it again. I am at a loss-if he is traumatized and lying to himself... can someone please help me out a bit? I'm so heartbroken and confused.

 

Sun Apr 23 9:27 am  #2


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

I would like to add that he has met someone at least once a weeks the whole time we were together and I found tons more from before we were together. And there were a TON of times we had sex and he couldn't cum. Also doggy was his favorite.

     Thread Starter
 

Sun Apr 23 11:05 am  #3


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

Hi Nutmeg, sorry you find yourself here and I am sorry to say that, in my opinion, this is all deception on his part. One does not interact with people on CL just to see pictures, it is for hook-ups which you say have been frequent. Many here have heard the past abuse trauma explanation. I'm not an expert to say if this is valid or not. What I will say is he needs professional help to overcome it, trolling for dickpics is not therapy. Please don't take this next sentence personally. He said he was into everything - seems to be just not with you. What does that say about HIM? It sounds like you are/were willing and able to provide more than enough intimacy but he doesn't want that. Why? Because you are female?

The gay aspect confuses us because we're not gay and wouldn't marry someone we were not personally invested in. Throw in the shifting explanations and suggestions it was just curiosity or not going to happen again and you may be on the road to gas-lighting. Think about your reaction if it were women he were hooking up with? He's been cheating every week of your relationship for four years. Gay, bi or straight - what difference does it make. It's not what you wanted and you deserve better. I think moving out is a good first step as it might let you clear your mind on where to go next. I would suggest having no contact while you do this. He may be in what Sean calls the 'love bombing, reacquire" stage. This is designed to get you to believe it's all OK now so he can go back to his status-quo. In the meantime - seek some help from trusted confidants, explore therapy, see what your rights are from a lawyer. Check in with us. Others here will have great advice for you and will need a place to vent as you navigate this stretch. Remember - you did nothing wrong here.

 

Sun Apr 23 4:05 pm  #4


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

Thank you very much for your response. You are absolutely right-he has not seemed legit interested in sex with me since the very beginning of the relationship. I have been in shock and still processing it for 9months. I found out when I was 4 months pregnant and tried my best to push it aside and not deal with it because I would get too upset then I would worry about the baby. He did try the love bimb thing when I first found out. But that has faded over the last 9 months because I have been rather unresponsive to it. I don't believe a word out of his mouth anymore-because how could someone do this to a friend never mind someone they were supposedly in love with. April first I moved in with my mom, him with his and he went away for two weeks to intense PTSD therapy. Since April first he has been nothing but cold and horrible to me. He takes our daughter Saturday and Sunday while I work. We see each other at pick oil and drop off only. He says "bye I love you" says he wants it to work but doesn't put in any effort other than that-a huge change from when I first found out. I wanted the separation so that I could sort my feelings out and he can focus on his therapy. I have decided that I will be filing for divorce. There is no fixing this. I can't trust him, he doesn't respect me and I will not stay in a sexless marriage-that part matters too much for me. I know some people could-and if it was a serious health issue that would be different. I wish I knew about this group when I found out-I have been dealing with this in my own for too long. I start therapy this week. Thank you again!

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Apr 25 5:53 am  #5


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

Meg,

It saddens us all to hear your story and how you've been treated.   It sounds like you're doing all the right things...your away from your abuser and start therapy to process the unfathomable trauma ..while you may not feel it now...you sound strong.    I could not process the shock and horror of the gay thing; I can't imagine trying to process it while pregnant with your abuser's child.    Abusers are what they are..they may not have physically hit us but they have emotionally abused us to the point of physical trauma.  It's a horrible feeling not being able to trust a spouse;  who they're texting and where they are going.   To me it matters little what their problem is...whether they are gay or abused as a child...you don't  lie to your spouse and withhold physical affection.  It's inhumane and cruel..   You need not worry if 
he is gay, bi, straight or an alien..   he has demonstrated cruelty and abuse. 

Make sure you have a good parenting plan in place as part of your legal settlement.   
Give your mom and kids a hug for us and tell them how wonderful they are.  The people we know shine through and remind us what authentic love and morals are.   


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Apr 26 11:19 pm  #6


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

So very sorry you are here… I often say it’s the group I’m glad I found but sorry to be a part of. 
I wanted to add: PLEASE go see your doctor! if you haven’t already done so, PLEASE get checked for all STDs! Every single encounter he had put your life (& the lives of your children) @ risk…

((hugs))
CherryTree

 

Wed Aug 23 7:17 pm  #7


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

Nutmeg0516 

                 I am so sorry to hear that you have been duped like so many of us, my story is so similar its eerie. I hope you find your path and know that your a strong woman and deserve way better, and your a momma that alone gives you the courage and determination to conquer anything..Seeing that word Craigslist sends shivers up my spine, sickens me! The risk these men take and put our health and lives at risk! SELFISH  Hold your babies close to you they are all that matter, and remember that a child's love is the purest love on this earth. Take Care of you and be gentle with yourself, this is a horrible blow and there is time limit to this healing process one day at a time.

 

Wed Aug 30 10:38 am  #8


Re: Is my husband gay? Cheated on me A LOT

Hi Nutmeg,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  The way he's treated you has been horrible.  He could have gotten you very ill!  Have you been to the doctor for STD testing?  If not, you should do that right away.  Take no chances.  You're a mother with children to look after - you need to be healthy.

A lot of us hear about past abuse as an excuse for cheating.  Past abuse and cheating are two separate issues.  So is homosexuality and cheating.  They are not mutually exclusive.  First of all, he didn't tell you about said abuse until you caught him in his behavior.  He had a chance to come clean after the first round of things you found, and he didn't use that opportunity to tell you then, either.  He's doing exactly what he wants (sleeping with others), and he's come up with what he thinks is a believable excuse for that behavior.  He could have been abused/traumatized without cheating.  He could have been confused/angry without cheating.  It's NOT a reason for the behavior, it's an excuse.  And it's a terrible one.

You're doing the right thing, getting away from this.  You can't trust him, and staying with him will be physically dangerous to you as well as emotionally destructive.

Best of luck as you navigate this horrible storm at sea.

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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