I am so sorry M-Kate. You deserve an apology. You deserve for him to take accountability for his actions. I am honestly not sure how I would move forward without that. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 

My comments are in red. Welcome to our Forum  

mytruth wrote:

.....  My husband came out to me after 42 years old marriage about 2 months ago because I caught him. That is how many straightspouses learn about their husbands/partners. We eventually put 2+2 together and get a big fat 4.
 He says he is bi, being bi is preferable because it's (to them) not as bas as (wtf) admitting they're gay...because men fucking men is not something straight men do!. 
and his liaisons were with men (well, woman twice because he slipped up when he was telling me a story and I called him on it).  But he has had liaisons for the 44 years I have known him. Edited...So now you really know. 
Neither of us wanted a divorce (at least initially for me), and at first he was quite apologetic, Your husband will be taking his cues from you, and of course being contrite and not wanting to lose you and have his secret side laid bare will be uppermost in his mind. 
but now he makes jokes of being able to hide things and wants to have his adventures openly How disrespectful of him
- something I don't think I can deal with. And you don't have to deal with his "adventures" either. You have to learn to put your life first and not accept the way he wants to live his. 
I feel so betrayed and hurt and untrusting - he got that at first but now has moved on and doesn't understand why I get so upset at times. Our lgb partners don't understand our concern because it's often been a secret for so long they can see their life no other way. 
I would like to hear how you all have been coping with all of this as there is no-one for me to  talk to and I have recoiled inside myself.  Thank you for listening! Okay Mytruth....here's the truth...this will get harder not easier because your marriage is at a crossroads and the most important thing about it is that you can't do it alone. It's a given that you have this Forum but you absolutely need people in your life (not your deceitful husband) to confide in. A family member, a good friend who has your back, a counsellor.  

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 17, 2024 2:11 pm)

MarieSmith:

Your spouse wants to tie your alimony to your silence?  I'm not sure he can do that.  But I am sure that his desire to keep his secret makes him vulnerable, and you can use that in negotiations for the divorce settlement.  

Marie, It looks like Non Disclosure Agreements (NDA) for spouses are enforceable in some states.

To add on to OOHC's suggestion, you can negotiate to keep your silence for a set amount of time for an enhanced settlement.  This is not a time to be nice or worry about being greedy. This stbx pushed you overboard without a life vest with no witnesses around. Fight for your financial life!

Edited to add: I'm pretty sure  there are not any contingencies tied to you and/or your children getting what you're legally entitled to like alimony.  It's not a crime for an stbx to ask though it's pretty brazen and is another clue to their true character.  If their attorney acts like this is fact, note it down. Tell your attorney about it.

Last edited by MJM017 (April 23, 2024 1:37 pm)