Jupiter1: You wrote "I’m at that burned out, frustrated, worried, what became of my life point, & my natural inclination is to roll over and capitulate & avoid conflict. So many freakin emotions.  "

It took well over a year for our first mediator to finally give up on my husband's foot-dragging and tell us she would be unable to continue to work with us.  The delays were entirely my husband's doing, not mine.  I provided information immediately when asked.  I never asked for more time or gave excuses.  He took vacations, promised a "counter-offer" that never materialized after six months of delay, ducked e-mails and phone calls ... we finally ended up back with lawyers, going through the court process, and we were told we first would have to mediate before a retired judge.  Eighteen months had gone by.  The mediation was entirely off the record, and the first thing the judge did was insinuate I was the cause of the delay.  He then noted that even though our daughter was an adult by this time, it was a Well Known Proven Fact that dragging out a divorce for no reason was damaging to the "children".  He then went on to proclaim that there were no "real issues" for him to resolve -- I'd provided him with documentation summarizing and proving how my husband had diverted 40% of his community property paycheck FOR 24 YEARS to a separate account, would not account for the money, had used community property funds to pay the monthly maintenance charges on a co-op apartment he was now claiming as entirely separate property, and had even kept the rental proceeds as his separate property at the same time.  

Not to mention the funds he was squandering on male prostitutes.

The judge advised me that at the end of the day no judge would even bother going through all that stuff; they'd just hand one symbolic victory to one side and offset it by an equivalent victory to the other side.

My lawyer said nothing.  The judge demanded to know why I had a "look" on my face.  Everyone turned and stared at my face, accusingly.  I tried to maintain my composure, given the fact I was the only person in the room who couldn't actually see my face.
I did eventually snap and lose my shit, and my lawyer -- predictably -- got enraged at me.  I was sent out of the room and spent the rest of the session hyperventilating and sobbing with my ears ringing and my eyes blacking out, while my lawyer handed away every argument I'd carefully assembled.  I felt like no matter how much air I sucked in, there was no oxygen getting through.

Women in our age bracket who get divorced, end up living below the poverty level at a staggeringly high rate, and this is exactly how it happens.  I've had plenty of time to regret my actions that day -- I just had to bring it to an end, but I should have walked out and waited till the ringing in my ears died down, and the blackness in front of my eyes to stop.  I should have fired my lawyer.  I should have done a lot of things, and reading your words, I want you to do this much:

1. NOTHING should be off the record; that's only incentivizing people to abuse you without oversight. 
2. You should give yourself a good two weeks to opt out of any settlement agreement if you have regrets. 
3. You should NOT agree to a nondisparagement clause.  Your kids are not young and malleable, so it serves no purpose.  
4. You are not required to spend down your retirement on attorneys' fees (my lawyer never advised me of this one!).  
5. Make absolutely certain that you know the difference between pretax and after-tax dollars.

As a lawyer, my advice is to make sure you have an excellent lawyer.  Leave nothing on the table and look out for yourself because he sure as heck has looked out for himself.  Time to turn the tables.  Good luck!

Hi Jupiter, 
I can’t give you advice about divorce as I was not married to my ex MTF partner.  
Mine was big time AGP, crossdressed in secret for who knows how long, until he decided to get out of his closet.  I split from him after 17 years of living together.  Currently he has a women’s persona via HRT, orchiectomy, women’s clothing, glittery jewelry, and legally changed his name and gender status..and who knows what else.  In our current climate, he is in the spotlight and adored for the fabulous advocacy of the LGBTQ world.  
what I want to say to you is that I understand the separate bedrooms, the lack of intimacy and the loneliness of having a partner that is checked out of a committed relationship.  I’m also old AF.  
Being mad is okay, it’s what will propel you into that strong mighty woman that will push you forward out of the biggest fight of your life.  End result you will feel calm. If you worry about being alone or lonely being single, just remember that you felt alone and lonely when partnered.  
For me, listening to music or podcasts helps prevent some stinking thinking,  of course there will be wobbles just feel the emotion and then let go of it.  A good cry happens a lot during this traumatic time of yours, 
Hold your head up high.  Those of us that walked in your shoes understand.  Keep us posted, we care.

I’m sorry to hear all the misery endured getting separated, divorced and the hell away from the exes,  but it does sound like there’s a solid amount of  freedom and peace  on the other side after the firestorm.  This is a sharp caring group and I’m grateful that you are here.  I thank you each for responding.

Thank you everyone, 🙏. I am trying to be conscious of not “wife-ing” —-OOHC, excellent idea.

I consulted an attorney this week who suggested moving forward on the sooner side. I’m feeling extremely avoidant but trying not to listen to that part of myself at all.

The attorneys said that amicable, guilty feelings— if present— tend to fade after 6 months post separation or so, and when a third party interest (his potential new boy/girl friend) is involved cooperation falls off rapidly. And soooo diving into this. Attorney suggested negotiating a settlement agreement right off which lays the terms of the ultimate divorce agreement . Talked to my STBX, dressed in pearls and a dress when I reached out; & he’s is up for it (wait-he’s not fighting for me? Nope). Option 1- my attorney sends a proposed settlement agreement to my spouse, spouse then runs it by his attorney. . Option 2- we go to mediation, come up with an agreement together, run it by our respective attorneys. One more protective off the bat for me, two maybe appeals to my stbx’s need for control and ends up in the same place. . The settlement agreement can be filed at any time.


When I reached out to my spouse to discuss, it was the first time I’ve seen him  fully  “dressed.” As it happened I was like, ok I’ve imagined this, I’ve know to be true, I’m ok. On the other hand it was so real. Ooffff.  Reality bites man. But also means I’m not imagining all of this. -& there’s a solid reason to go through the upset of divorce, separation of assets, my adult children’s pained reactions, and my diminished 401k. The alternative- my husband and I /somehow  together as we are now, for the rest of our days- feels impossible.

I’m getting to that point where it seems pulling the band-aid off is the best move. One big yank

Last edited by Jupiter1 (April 19, 2024 9:20 pm)