Hi team

My husband came out to me about four months ago as bisexual after I discovered a large collection of gay porn on his phone. This short time has been a true rollercoaster, but overall, our relationship is still very strong.

Out path would not be for everyone, but I thought it's good to have another point of reference for anyone grappling with this situation.

Since the coming-out, both of us have done a lot of discovering. I will mention what my husband has gone through later, but first and foremost I want to focus on MY own discovery. And this is the only piece of advice I would give. Think about this from YOUR perspective, not just his.

I think it is very important for anyone going through all this pain to stop and ask the question:

- What is all of this teaching ME?

Or, if you believe in the higher spirit:

- Why did God/Universe send me this trial? What is it trying to teach me and how can I approach this challenge with utmost love and gratitude?

I know it's hard, but try and work to find the strength to THANK the Universe for sending you this challenge. Whichever way the relationship with your spouse goes, this is likely the biggest personal growth opportunity you have ever had.

A bit about my background to paint the picture of where I started in my journey. I grew up in Europe with liberal views on LGBTQ+, I would have NEVER considered myself homophobic and have always supported gay rights. Thinking back, however, I was probably more homophobic than I thought. I always felt uncomfortable (and maybe still do in some situations) seeing two people of the same sex kiss and have never watched gay porn. When I first saw my husband's "collection", I was shocked and thought it was utterly disgusting. Yet also weirdly, I found it arousing. It's actually a normal reaction of our brain, but it can feel very disorientating.

In the last four months all I did was trying to UNDERSTAND. Understand him, but also the wider gay/bi comminity. And ultimately, understand why the Universe has sent me this trial and what I needed to learn from it.

I had endless conversations with my husband trying to understand the nature and history of his same-sex attraction, spent several hours on my personal counseling, and read multiple books and online resources. I started following a cute gay married couple on YouTube. I watched gay porn. My husband and I went to a few gay bars and explored Grndr together. And, yes, we also had a threesome with a bi guy, on which I insisted as I felt it was an important part of my exploration, as well as his. He didn't mind.

It's important to note, that while all of the above experiences provided a lot of new information, they were also quite overwhelming and unsettling at times (reading this forum was probably top of the list). It was critically important to be able to make sense of them - for me it was counseling and almost daily meditation.

While this has been a rollercoaster, I feel like I am in a much better space right now.

I have accepted my husband's same-sex attraction and it doesn't provoke a negative reaction in me anymore. Weirdly, again, I am curious about it. It even started to feel somewhat arousing thinking about him with another guy. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does.

In terms of our relationship, it feels very strong. He says he has no desire or intention to hookup with guys on his own. He also says that if he ever feels a romantic connection he would never act on it, unless I was fully onboard.

I know that when/if he sees or touches a guy in a sexual context, it doesn't change him, or us, or our relationship. The threesome has really demystified this for me. The fact that he likes guys doesn't take anything away from our relationship. He still wants me - sexually, romantically and as a partner. In fact, he probably now wants me more.

I know we are still early days and in the post-disclosure "honeymoon period", but so far so good and I will keep posting my updates here.

Stay strong!

Last edited by Alex1984 (March 27, 2024 8:03 pm)