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1 of 1- HurtingH14
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Coping with His SS Desires
We are 10 years into marriage. I knew he was SSA when we got married, though I didn't understand the impact it was going to have on our marriage. So maybe it's not fair for me to hold this against him.
But seeing his facebook reels full of big, muscley, body-builder type men is just a sucker punch I cannot ever recover from. No matter how "old news" it is. No matter how many times I see it. Or obsessively check his history to see if he's been watching them again/still. Why do I torture myself?
On the inside, I'm screaming "Notice ME! Want ME!" But he never will. I am enough when he is horny and wants a warm body (lights off, touching as little as possible). But he will never want me.
And I. am. dying.
HOW do I keep going in this? I want, so desperately, to be wanted. I fantasize about being desired sexually CONSTANTLY. Morning, night, all throughout the day. It's not just horny, it's wanting someone to look at me and think "I want you." But I'm 10 years and 5 children in. And I cannot destroy my children's lives.
But inside I am positively withering away because of the familiar ache of rejection and resentment.
How do you keep going?
- Supernova
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Re: Coping with His SS Desires
My wife of ten years came out to me a few months ago. We have two young children, and neither of us can imagine a future without our family. We've been working together to find strategies that will allow our MOM to work.
I think the hardest part is how she rejects all of my desire and sexual attention. I read your post and just about fall down thinking everything you desire my wife abhors. For so many years it has tormented me that I couldn't fully express my love and desire for her. I am just now working through understand that this is not normal, that it is not me. I've finally told her it's unfair for her to say things like, I only want her for her body, when I clearly lover her deeply. I only want to express my love in a healthy and normal way.
Now I'm working on accepting that the loss of this part of me is something I am actively accepting because of the things I do enjoy. I also know I accept this for here and now only. I have also defined my boundries, as in I will not accept adultery. We are awesome parents and partners, and our life is perfect in just about every way. Our kids and family are our primary focus, and the part I enjoy the most.
Some days everything is great and others I find myself thinking, if I can just keep this together until the kids are just a little older; maybe they'll be able to handle it better. Maybe they'll be old enough to remember their childhood before it all fell apart. At these times I feel like Sisyphus doomed to push a boulder up a hill for all eternity.
One thing I know is no matter what, I won't let myself be crushed. My strength is found in my faith and adversity will only bolster it. I pray you find a way too.
Last edited by Supernova (March 23, 2024 11:29 am)
- Dutchman
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Re: Coping with His SS Desires
Hi Supernova,
what you say about your feelings in this situation is so recognizable to me. It's very hard to cope with that, for it shatters the dreams and expectations you had. It sure is terrible. but it explains the desception that you experienced.
On the other side: you realy love your wife, you still want to achieve that goal you had in mind when you married.
What you express is not grasped, it falls beside the road. It's so frustrating, for it's good what you intend and give. Why isn't that reciprocated?
Well, the short answer is: the sexual orientation doesn't match.
The long answer is that this doesn't has to describe the final consequence and outcome.
The consequence of the short answer is easily formulated: divorce.
The long answer demands a lot of effort and commitment to go for it, that comes from both sides. So there has to be motivation to go for that route. It's going upstream for both, so You'll have to have a really good reason to want to go that way. If you both have that, it can be done and turn out to be better than you ever expected.
A few months in, means you're at the starting point of that path. In my experience the rollercoaster phase, highs and lows. Trying to get a grip on this whole new situation. It's good you have your faith, it keeps you more or less on track in this turmoil. It varies how much support you get from your christian community. Most don't know how to handle the situation you're in. Their intentions are probably good, but they don't know what you're really going though. Find your own way, do this with your wife. Talking, communication, is so important! It's difficult, but too important to avoid.
Do it! This is an aspect you can find external help from, relation therapy or something like that.
Whatever you go for, don't want them to stear you regarding "LGBTQI+" and so forth for some political or ideological purposes.
What you write about your feeling, actualy lack of feeling of your wife:
This is the catch, the trap. People in that situation thinking: well, this is it, the marriage is wanting but stable, it cannot get better given the "sexual orienation thing". But this assumption is so wrong! You can (and should) break throug this. Not easy, but you both can! Read our story.
Your wife can break out of this rud. Well, that is if she decides to. My wife calls it her "tunnel vision" she was caught up in.
For me, that is my experience, it was more she like opening her emotional door, that led to all the change in our relation.
Whatever the accurate description it may be, it made all the difference! `
We're about 20 years after disclosure, so I'm not talking about a temporary whimp kind of thing. It's solid and thoughtful what We're talking about.
Dutchman.
[edit some typo's]
Last edited by Dutchman (April 2, 2024 8:21 am)