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1 of 1- OSD647
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A long time for silence
I have written about my experiences with my husband on here before. I have since taken a travel nurse position and am gone a lot so I don't feel like a totally useless human. I cannot do anything that would make me believe that my "transsexual attracted" husband would ever be attracted to me. EVER. We currently live as roommates and the sex is as non existing as it was 10 to 12 years ago. His mother died from cancer and the maladaptive behavior started, well, it started before I just didn't know it. I have stopped all questioning and pretty much any conversation about sex. It's futile. I guess that was the goal. I have had friends with benefits along the way and felt absolutely no guilt from it whatsoever. My husband treats me like a well loved sister. It's humiliating almost. He has denied every question of cheating (I know better). Being gay (something has never added up). I guess I'm at the point of complete and utter surrender and scared to damn death of being alone for the rest of my life. I have trust issues and self confidence issues. I've always had those. I think that's what made me an easy target. I've since bought a house in another state and have been thinking about just jumping and see where I land (figuratively speaking). Hell it can't be worse than it is now. Just so damn alone and do not want to die being someone's beard. I need to know how to go about this leaving so I can just get on with my life. Even if I did, I doubt I would be met with much resistance. He thinks everything is just great. I know he has to think that our relationship is not okay. Every time I say OUR marriage is not normal. He always compares it to everyone else's saying no one's marriage is great. I say, "I don't want to be like everyone else and nor do I care about everyone else. I only care about here and now, and us." He doesn't get it. He doesn't care. I have never officially left before either. I'm his second marriage. His first marriage was almost identical except his mother was alive. His first wife cheated and was the biggest slut according to him and his family but now I know why. The sex dried up. I told him that his wives had an expiration date of usefulness and past the 5 year mark they were useless. I am a very plain outspoken person and cannot hide my feelings very easily. In the last 5 years though, I have not said one word about anything which should scare the hell out of him. I would love any advice or questions. I'm 54 and scared.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A long time for silence
OSD647 wrote:
......In the last 5 years though, I have not said one word about anything which should scare the hell out of him. I would love any advice or questions. I'm 54 and scared.
Hey OSD 
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You've bought a house in another state! That is so forward-thinking and amazing. I want to be you haha.
Yes it is lonely (sometimes) and yes we don't want to be/die alone but your answer is out there waiting for you, calling you....I think you have to not care about the fact he treats you so shabbily and look towards a time when he's not the first thing you think about when you make a decision. Any decision!
What's wrong with packing a few bags and moving to your real future home now?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Salgal1960
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Re: A long time for silence
Listen to OSD647!!! You have a job that pays well, so absolutely NO REASON to stay in that horrible life! I left at 40 with a small child, and a job that did NOT pay well, anything to get out of a lie that did not serve me well! The only thing holding you back is your fear, and your age. I was a lot more brave at 40 than I would have been at mid 50s. As a woman in our society, we know in our forties that we have become invisible almost. The men our age are interested in someone half our age during their time of self confidence slippage as their testosterone dries up! Facing old age alone is not fun, but find women friends if you can to fill your emotional connection longing, and buy a battery operated friend that YOU control, when, how, and IF! I'm 63 now, tried marriage again for ten years after twenty yrs to the still in denial ex, but that experience the first time and the betrayal and my self doubt, made my self esteem so low that even after waiting seven years of being single before remarriage and lots of therapy and reading, I went so far the opposite direction with a misogynistic macho man the second time, that I decided there was NOTHING other than sex that I even needed a man for! The LIBERATION of not having to consider someone else's opinion and choices on a daily basis is HEAVEN! Find yourself again, to hell with trying to please anyone else but YOU! Move into your new house ASAP, and thank God every day that you got out of that lie! And, lastly, try not to look back or beat yourself up too much!
- 647osd
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Re: A long time for silence
I have a husband that, other than sex, he is the perfect best friend and roommate. I know that it doesn't make up for ALL OF THE INTIMACY LOST. I mean, he watches TV in a separate room and we rarely discuss anything. I have stopped caring about anything that I was passionate about. I guess I have become a shell of a person and could care less if the sun came up. I have always tried to take care of myself, sounds vein I know. I always thought if I did, my husband would always appreciate it....I guess if I show you a beautiful woman, I can show you a man tired of having sex with her. Any man. His private habits made it easier to see why though. I do have an appointment to change myself physically and start over. I can't even look at myself anymore because I only see a broken, ugly person. No one can change that view of myself. Unfortunately, we live in a world where outward beauty is only recognized. I don't know what my future holds but I do know that only I can change it. It's easier to give advice but very hard to take that same advice. Honesty is a very rare trait these days. I know that if my husband would be very honest with me now ( I have become numb and do not care what he does), I would still love him but only as a good friend as I do now.
- Rob
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Re: A long time for silence
Osd647, 647osd ,
I'm years out from this and when I look back now I can see the infrequent sex was not normal. I thought it was normal at the time...but now know it was not.
Gay, trans, green alien...it doesn't matter what they are..they are not attracted to us as a loving spouse should be. They are in reality hurting us. And I'm not sure which is worst..the lack of sex or the fact that they think it's ok.
You are not unattractive and will not die alone. That he makes you feel this way tells you all you need to know. The silence is telling you there is nothing left to say..and much preferred to getting screamed at.
Plan your exit..and know that you tried more than humanly possible..
A sincere e-hug and wishes of strength and self love.
Last edited by Rob (March 2, 2024 6:44 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MJM017
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Re: A long time for silence
You are not unattractive and will not die alone. That he makes you feel this way tells you all you need to know. The silence is telling you there is nothing left to say..and much preferred to getting screamed at.
OSD,
Rob is right. I'm positive you are attractive and will attract a loving, honest partner to match what you are.
I believe your stbx picked you for being attractive to shut down chatter among his family and friends that he was a little bit gay. Then to suit his needs to keep the gossip quiet for sure, he tears you down to gaslight you into submission.
Plan your exit..and know that you tried more than humanly possible..
A sincere e-hug and wishes of strength and self love.
A thousand times this.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa