Kt,
By kindness to yourself I meant several things. But probably a better term is self compassion.

I had to break the codependency..basically because in my case my lezex had, it seems, insantaeously distanced herself from me..suddenly I was not worthy of any physical contact or basic human conversation...but I had done nothing wrong but love her.

So really I had to be kind to myself because she was not being kind to me. And the person I trusted more than anyone i could not talk to about it.   I was shaking and crying how terrible and lonely  I felt about our relationship and she looked at me and said I needed professional help..no hug no concern ..not a shred of remorse or empathy. No compassion..  I see now it was disdain, hatred, and contempt of me no matter I was crying. She basically wanted me to go die (but keep the money flowing). She was trying to convince me that I caused her gay affair and the demise of the marriage.

So my journey has been baby steps ..one at a time.. I am worthy.  I am a good person.  I deserve hugs.  I deserve to be talked to.  I should not have to shake with trauma.  I have done nothing to deserve such cruel treatment.. I kept all my promises and vows. I gave her everything I had.

Compassion and kindness we need to show ourselves ..because our  spouses are incapable of it.