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Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:52 pm)

It's important to remember that what you miss is the person you thought you had.  The discard and loss still hurts, however.
 Remember that what he's saying is more than its face value; it is at least as much about maintaining his own illusion to himself that he's straight.  He doesn't want to face that and your telling him it's over has put him into a quandary, one he may resolve by staying in the closet--and maybe badmouthing you or finding himself a beard.  Anything to keep from having to acknowledge the truth.  He may also become angry when you don't respond to his hurt by doing what he wants you to do.
   Your therapist does not sound like much help.  You can be hurting and still be doing the right thing.  In fact, no matter how much time you give yourself it's never going to not hurt.  It just does.
  But those of us who have gone through it can tell you that it does get better on the other side.  Keep reminding yourself that he is the one who blew up the marriage with his lying and cheating.  What you are doing is a consequence of that, and the consequences for it.  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 16, 2019 9:17 pm)

Another vote for yes you did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself. You are strong brave and I applaud you.

Your name says it all -- this truly is an open wound.  It's all so hard.  We've all been there, many of us are still working through all the things you're trying to work through.

What I found difficult was trying to live in a truth-based universe with a man who was lying to himself.  It's so hard to force-feed someone reality when they're programmed not to accept it.

It's so hard to wake up to the realization that you're the only adult in the room.  Even after all this time -- I made the first of a string of discoveries in December 2017, confronted my husband in April 2018, filed for divorce in August 2018, and here we are in April 2019 and I still find myself going off the rails when he does something predictably clueless.

My husband initially reacted with remorse and love-bombing, just as you describe.  Even though he was acknowledging this was all his fault, though, I think he was such a strict Catholic and moralist that he wouldn't have done what he did if he hadn't at some level indulged the thought that in some tiny little way this was maybe my fault too.  He was just so moralistic all the time, I really got suspicious that at some level he was trying to push off just a tiny little bit of blame on me.  I started to remember all the times he'd been irritable with me, or snapped at me, or blurted out something I thought was unfair to me, over the course of the marriage.

So I think that while this tiny little seed got rooted in his sexual secrets, it spread out and started to affect other areas of our marriage, like how he allocated our money and financial priorities.  I can see how his resentment of our daughter (which always seemed so irrational to me) may have stemmed from his belief that somehow we were the reason he couldn't just live his hedonistic lifestyle full-time; he had to hide it and feel all guilty about it.

It is hard to stop loving them.  We loved the person we thought they were, and we still care for their welfare ironically.  Unloving them, then becomes an 'act of tough love'.  A theme I read here consistenty, is, the relationship is not healthy, and it will never be healthy, because they do not have the capacity to reciprocate the love we give.  They cannot love us back  the way we need to be loved. It is a reality and its no one's fault that they are that way.  Once this reality is accepted, its not as difficult to let them go and take life in a new direction. 

 

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 22, 2019 7:46 am)