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- in denial
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Re: in denial
Hello]
I cant say it enough , i get so much from this forum.
Its not so lonely , and your thoughts ideas very reassuring. .
Whatever i do , and when i tell my sons, its the right thing to do for us
My husband and his male relationship did have outings yrs ago with my sons.
Some camping , boating trips.
Do you think they know already , even though they were much younger ?
Last Question , and my answers may come to me after my Monday therapy appt. .
Did most of you tell your grown children ?
Did any of them say they knew already or maybe found out themselves?
Did most have a therapist or husband tell the kids. ?
Was reaction same or worse when Mom knew and didn't tell them 1st ?.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: in denial
in denial wrote:
.....Last Question , and my answers may come to me after my Monday therapy appt. .
Did most of you tell your grown children ?
I told my 2 youngest children first (both adults) because my partner is their natural father. I later told my oldest daughter, and she is a wonderful support. My oldest is going through emotionally hard times himself and I can't tell him yet
Did any of them say they knew already or maybe found out themselves?
Neither of the youngest talk about it, they both live in other parts of the country. And my oldest girl, who lives close to me, hasn't mentioned anything
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 24, 2019 7:49 pm)
KIA KAHA
- control
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Re: in denial
In denial,
We have 3 grown children ages 22-30. I am very close to them and knew there would be no keeping this secret with the emotional shape I was in upon finding out this news. We have always been a close family & done all activities together, so to try to convince them their parents were possibly slitting up out of the blue after 32 years of marriage wasn’t going to work for us.
I have told my kids (all girls) all the details from the get go. I realize this might not be the way a marital relationship would be handled under normal circumstances, but there is nothing normal about this type of betrayal. Although my GH claims he wants to stay in marriage, he has never been so adamant about keeping the family together that he would be willing to do whatever it takes. In fact. When my daughter told him she does not want her children around that lifestyle & behavior, he told her she had to make the choice. And also asked her, “what about my happiness?” Well my kids aren’t having anything to do with him after that. And I highly agree! My opinion is by the time you are 50+ years old with grown children & grandchildren & you are worried about your happiness after you have lied about your identity & desires all your adult life, knowing it would hurt your spouse & family, you deserve whatever is coming in the form of how the kids view you.
We still live in the same house, separately while working on business dealings, finances. My GH never has any conversation other than regarding our business & finances. He’s never tried to work on any of his issues or our issues in all these years, I fully realize he has no intention to regardless of going to therapy weekly for months.
The situation would have to be different with younger children, but I’m of the opinion with older & grown children they should be told the whole truth & nothing but the truth! They deserve it. The spouse in denial or closet has been living a lie to everyone they have any dealings with (including their own kids) not just the spouse. They don’t deserve to have the lies/secret kept for them so they can live life with a mask on!!!
I’m in a similar boat as most of you all. I’m working everyday on telling myself, he doesn’t give a sh** & never has or we wouldn’t be where we are today!!! And I’m moving toward freedom from this hell everyday!!!
- walkbymyself
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Re: in denial
in denial:
I think your last question is really important -- probably more important than we appreciate. I think the toughest thing for the kids is the fact that the foundation of their childhood and early adult years was based on lies. That's more shocking than TGT itself. I think it's actually harder on older kids than it would be on younger ones -- but I have to say this is speculation on my part, since I told my daughter when she was 22.
I'd started a separate thread under "Support' for the issue of how/whether to tell kids, so my experience is already out there, but the much shorter version is, look at it through the eyes of a kid. We think we're at the center of the storm because it's our marriage at stake, but they think they're the ones at the center because it's the foundation of their lives at stake. We're both right. Kids need to feel their parents are honest with them, and they won't buy your argument that you were only lying to them for their own good.
I knew when I found out that my daughter needed to be told -- for one thing, I wondered (as you have) whether she'd already figured it out, and was keeping secrets from me to protect me. It turns out she wasn't -- but I had no way of knowing, and I didn't want to take that risk. My daughter had actually once discovered gay porn on his computer, when she was much younger. I worried she would remember the incident and put it all together, but when I told her the truth, and asked about the earlier incident, she said she remembered it happening but just never made the connection. She'd also seen text messages on his phone that she ended up keeping secret -- again, she knew there was something wrong but didn't do the math. Like many kids, I think when they can't explain something they blame themselves, and I think she held herself responsible for not being a good enough daughter.
I couldn't tell her immediately when I made the discovery, because she was in her senior year of college and under a huge strain already. So I set a timeline for myself: first, confronting my husband; second, telling him she would have to be told but only after graduation; third, offering him the opportunity to be the one to tell her; fourth, screwing up the courage to tell her when the time came.
So what I tried to do was strike a balance -- be honest and get the truth out sooner rather than later, but at the same time pick and choose the right time and place to minimize the level of shock it's going to cause. It will cause upset, but at least when you make the decision, you're not leaving it to chance. I've said this many times, but the truth has this awkward way of escaping despite our best intentions, and it can come out in some fairly traumatic and shocking ways. Once you take responsibility for getting the truth out, you protect your kids from the shock of learning from some other source purely by accident.
- in denial
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Re: in denial
Hello
this week, i had Monday and Tuesday appts.
I went to my female therapist , male gay Dr/ long time friend, and female lawyer .
Much needed alone time to get some help and advice..
So i packed it all in in 2 days.
This was my 3rd therapist appt , 2 with 1 gal , 1 with a local closer to home gal.
Each time i wanted the therapist to read the love letters.
Or i would read to them the to therapist.
More & more Its an eye opener every time !
My therapist said his male friend wants more of what hes not getting,
Hes obsessed. ,threatening and more.
She believes my husband has decided the comforts of marriage and no divorce is what he wants.
Yet still act on his desires elsewhere.
I would always say to my husband that his male friend was "Fn weird and obsessed over him"
My husband denied this every time..
Once more, for the 3rd time , This therapist also gave me affirmation.
That they are having a 40 yr relationship...not a friendship... a relationship.
Reminder....im in a weird denial.
I knew about it , i didn't trust my instinct, yet i suspected.
She said, i was wanting and waiting for my husbands affirmation,validation.
My therapist said when you are not being validated, especially by your husband.
You loose all confidence in you, and your instincts, life ,decisions ect ect.
Being validated allows you to move forward, progress, make decisions on your own.
With In a marriage , validation builds trust, especially within yourself , your thoughts , and intimacy with your partner's validation.
Builds a steady sturdy relationship.
Your working together, not apart..
Lack of affirmation , lack of validation , from my husband ,made me doubt everything , especially my self worth.
I definitely , loss me,
Every time my husband told me "i was jealous" i was wrong" ,"i was crazy". i was paranoid"
I decided he was right , and i was wrong.
NO matter how weird the marriage or his behaviors were at times.
I couldn't and have not really trusted my thoughts , my suspicions , my gut instinct, for along while.
The therapist also asked "what do I want".
Do i want a new marriage with boundaries , separation, or divorce.
I just needed to think of what i wanted, how do i want my last 20+ yrs to look like.
She said, if i chose to stay , for me , i need to make my rules. Protect me.
What do i want , ex; change beds, intimacy or none, so much more.
He can continue stepping out, and i can choose too. and so much more
My husband may or may not agree to stay with the new rules.
She said many marriages have "contracts".
All marriages are private and are very different in every way,
So much for the prince and princess stories!
Marital Counselling was also advised, there i will have a mediator.
There he will find out i know.
He may choose to walk out , or he may choose to stay and work out our "new norm"
Whatever that is !
Either way i wont live a lie, and live in his closet anymore!
As for our kids....family counsel .
But !one step at a time .
My DR, read the letters too.
e knows that Mike and i have struggled with intimacy.
Yet he was in shock.
* My DR is in a long loving gay relationship for 30 plus yrs too.
He says ist not an open , committed relationship
Yes i love them both !
I know irony....
I cried, he was compassionate and gave me a hug.
He advised me to get HIV test, which i did already , take meds if required for sleep and anxiety.
My next follow up appt with him is in April.
My lawyer had great advice too.
I mentioned these letters consist of my husbands male friend obsessions with him.
Wanting more from their relationship.
Threatens him in a few letters.
My husband appears to say and keep him at bay.
Gets what he wants out of the relationship.
But wants to remain married.
Over the yrs i suspected, and now the Lawyer does too .
That my husband has possibly given him hush money , when his friend lost his job once, .
Or maybe when friend is really mad at him. One of the treats...."he holds the ace card"
She - lawyer gave lots of advice ,but ! 1 was the best.
* Her legal advice was and is solely for my circumstances. Please seek your own local area ,
She said, I can choose to do nothing, don't leave ,or make new legal marital agreement ,
a separation , divorce ect ect.
BUT ! Get my own POA , power of attorney written up...now !.
We have same lawyer, our present will , we have the same power of attorney , living will, medical POA, and executor.. *** correction....we used another lawyer that has done up our will ect.
IM NOT USUING SAME LAWYER
When i or he dies everything goes to remaining spouse , or if we both die my children get the investments.
BUT ! if this friend exposes my husband , and or continues to receive hush/ money.
Our 1 and only lifelong income and savings are at risk , in danger.
My own POA makes the present "married poa" null and void.
It over rides the 1st one.
Its filed, and i can use it when and if i need it !
That way my half of the marriage goes to my kids,
None of my half , can be split or shared with my husbands friends needs.
Allot in 2 days, but it was worth just receiving the affirmations.
Validated, im not nuts !'
Knowledge is power !
Last edited by in denial (February 28, 2019 5:47 am)
- •
Thread Starter- in denial
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Re: in denial
Hello ,
NOT SO MUCH IN DENIAL NOW !
Sunday March 10th , my husband confessed....well sort of.
He found a paper note i had re; POA , marriage contract options , or divorce.
It was "out " , that i knew now !
He aggressively challenged me to confess what i knew.
I asked him to validate me, tell me the truth.
It was intense needless to say !
He did NOT validate me fully.
He said it was 1x , at the beginning of our marriage.
Pointing out it happened because "we " had difficulty at that time in our marriage.
Like it was my fault he stepped out !
He said he was suicidal and went to a priest , nun and therapy.
He also said during the years the BF was obsessed and he ended the friendship ????
I gave him plenty of opportunity to give it all up.
Surprise ! He didn't.
We have previously agreed to counselling,
I said the truth will come out , and that i have proof of his male friend and GF's too..
He said he would deny any other affairs, as well as more of TGT.
Despite i have his love letters , pictures & cell proof !
As you're aware in my notes , TGT has been going on for almost 40 yrs.
30 years since i and our grown kids have been in the picture.
My saga continues , due to his travel schedule were apart until Friday.
That works for me !
We see therapist mid April.
I do not feel safe, very scared, and very sad.
Thought his confession would honor me or validate me.
Instead im sad, very sad.
After all these years of fights arguments, loneliness.
No matter how hard i worked on this marriage, .
He just couldn't honer me, or validate me.
He took away my trust in me , my self confidence,.
I feel like i know now, but i dont know anything.
For so many reasons, im not ready ,and still not sure on divorce.
But ! i have gone ahead with POA.
I need to protect me and my kids,
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: in denial
in denial - this is not going well. to recap he has discovered you know his secret, and now he is off travelling and you are thinking about a joint counselling appt next month? What do you think he's thinking about? He is likely to be in overdrive making preparations incase you divorce him.
my suggestion is to think about what you can do to protect your own future.
yeah, the loneliness bites doesn't it. wishing you all the best, Lily
- Haven
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Re: in denial
Protect yourself. I call it "suspension of belief." Don't believe anything he says without physical, consistent proof, make your decisions based on what is safest for you and your children. "Think financially, not emotionally." Having gone through this myself, I'd suspect the counseling is his way to keep you in line. Not that counseling is bad, just have a healthy skepticism. He may seem very earnest about making the marriage work but be very skeptical that it is based on how wanting the best of you and not more about him wanting the best for himself. And it's okay to say you're not ready for couples counseling just yet. I could not quite tell if kids are in the know yet but once they know he may be less motivated to keep the "closet" going. I feel for your angst...
- walkbymyself
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Re: in denial
Hi in denial:
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree it's a horribly lonely time.
When I had confronted my husband, he initially said it would be easier to talk if I would just tell him what all I'd found out.
I answered very candidly: he has a longstanding history of ONLY confessing to as much as he thinks he's been busted for, so I wasn't going to tell him how much I knew or how I'd found out.
To this day, he doesn't know where I'm getting my information from, and I'm not about to teach him how to be a better liar.
My advice to you is not to worry about whether he confesses or confirms what you know. You can tell him you know everything and no matter what he says after that -- you have to know he's heard you. Let him deny it if he wants.