Our sex life has been great. The more questions I ask, the more its not pointing to "bi". Which of course I am VERY glad but damn it...why didn't he figure out those questions before the words...I think I might be bi. Geez, thinking my world might not have been blown up as drastically.  I found the "Kinsey Test" and I feel he answered the questions honestly. That test came out with results of a 1 - Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual. Feel like we have ha some good discussions. Yesterday, I told him I need to know exactly what I am "dealing with"....such as, are you bi? I can't really get past that part. Then I asked him what he needed from me.....he said acceptance. Asked what exactly am I accepting? 
Basically, if he is totally committed to ME until the day we die then I can ignore. ....What am I accepting? Guess...I HOPE & PRAY the therapist can help him with that. 

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

From my perspective as a straight man, I have no desire to look at any sort of gay/bi porn of men. It grosses me out actually. If you found that he is viewing these things, he most definitely has an attraction to men. Doesn't mean he has crossed the line and acted upon those feelings, but he definitely has a same sex attraction at the very least.

I only recently finally admitted to myself that my wife is a lesbian. We have been married 24 years and have two children. In all honesty, as I have been reflecting a lot over the past couple of weeks, I can say that I saw warning signs as soon as the wedding night but I didn't want to believe them. For 24 years I have been making excuses to myself, trying to justify her behavior as probably being my fault. I wasn't good enough in bed. I wasn't attractive enough for her to be interested in me. I wasn't attentive enough to her needs. I wasn't doing enough around the house for her to feel supported. I wasn't lifting her up enough so that she felt like a princess in a fairy tale world.

I watched our sex life die off rapidly after the conception of our last child. She went from cooperative, interested partner to indifferent and passive participant. I watched the time between sexual encounters go from days to weeks, from weeks to months, and from months to years.

I kept looking for  a reason, for something to be the cause of the situation. I blamed myself because I suffer from treatment resistant depression. Maybe I just wasn't enough fun to be around anymore? I thought maybe she is just stressed from the challenges of daily life? So I took over all of the household chores -- I do all of the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, getting the kids up and ready for school, taking them to their appointments and practices, running our business. The more I do, the less she is inclined to do anything. When she comes home from work she parks herself on the couch and watches television, reads a book, and does digital puzzles on her tablet. Every night it is the same. If I go to bed early (on time, really) she will stay up until she thinks i am asleep. If I am working, she will go to bed early in hopes that she is asleep by the time I come to bed.

I'm an engineer. I solve problems for a living. I employ the engineering design principle -- identify the problem, propose a solution, implement the solution, test the solution, if it isn't fixed, rinse and repeat. I've wasted 14 years doing this to no avail. Two weeks ago I had an epiphany -- I deserve better than this. There is no way that she did not have some idea that she might be gay or bi when we were dating. This didn't just sneak up on her. She chose to keep that card close to her chest and not share that information with me. That is the part that hurts the most. I shared all of my dirty laundry -- some of it was rather unpleasant and I worried that it could be a deal breaker but I didn't want to go into a marriage without full disclosure. I wish she would have felt the same.

I've run through the gamut of emotions in the past two weeks -- anger, resentment, frustration, betrayal, just to name a few. I now know where I stand, and that my marriage is irreparably broken. She will never be able to love me in the same way that I love her. She will never have desire for me in the same way that I desire her. I attended a therapy session and was trying to explain myself and the best I could do was that she does love me, but it is philios love, not eros love. (If these terms are unfamilar to you, check out http://www.stormwhispers.com/Files/4Loves.htm) She loves me as a friend and a companion but not in a romantic or sexual kind of way.

I have gone through multiple therapists and they have all tried to direct me toward this path. When I would bring up their suggestion that we ought to look into a trial separation, my wife would respond by telling me that this therapist just doesn't get you and is spewing rotten advice. She would cancel my appointments and tell me to find a different therapist.

Where do I go from here? I want to find someone that can love me back in the same way and as much as I can love them. It is challenging because I still have two kids at home, I operate a business with my wife, and I am recovering from some tough financial times. It will be a difficult and ugly mess to untangle to say the least. But I know that I have to do it not just for myself, but also for my children and my wife as well. I know that she is miserable and I suspect that she can't get better until she processes these feelings and accepts herself for who she is.

Through all of this, I still love my wife. She is my best friend in the world. I wish the very best for her and want for her to be happy. I know that I can never be the source of happiness for her, but I will have to let her go in order to give her the freedom to find what it is that will bring her happiness and joy in her heart.


 

He confessed more about the chat rooms. He actually had sexual "chats" He flat out LIED to me. He told me it was general conversations. He CHEATED on me! I know some might not think virtual sex is cheating but I DO! Damn him...I was JUST getting to believe him that "Just remember that all this stuff imaginary"....well it became VERY real to me last night. He also said last night that he's still not sure if its real, midlife crisis or what all this is about.
For something that is "imaginary" it sure hurts.

How do you learn to "re-trust" someone who, the whole time you were trusting them before you found out, was deceiving you? How do you learn to re-trust someone who, when found out, lies again, before finally admitting to you, that yes, he's been lying?  
  Men (and women, too) who are in denial about their sexuality are living a lie; they are lying to themselves and to their spouses, and when the the elaborate facade they have constructed is in danger, they lie over and over again to protect it. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 27, 2019 5:18 pm)

An epiphany moment was when I read the following:  “Do not compromise all that you are for someone else’s lie.” It was a “moment of truth”  that woke me up to my very personal reality.  What was I doing? Who  was I becoming by staying in such a toxic relationship?  Why was I wasting my life with someone who had lied to me since the moment we met?  It was quite the breakthrough!