Venting is good! Where else can you vent about this stuff?  And:  This makes total sense to me! 

In fact, I was just saying to my husband this morning something similar to what you have said. (My husband is currently saying he is bi, but it is pretty unclear, and I am very much in shock still.)

You and I may have different life details, and we and our spouses and marriages will have different personalities.  But the dynamics you describe:  yes yes yes!!!

I said to husband this morning, something like, “I feel like I have lost myself.  Like my life has been taken over.”  And it totally has. 

I also said, “I want you to really understand that for me, the sexuality is nothing, and yet it is everything.”  I mean, I do not judge him for his sexuality and I am not troubled by the idea of him being bisexual as a marriage partner, although I do need monogamy, and I need to feel like I am enough for him.  Our marriage has been troubled though, and what bothers me is how he treated me so badly, so much contempt and criticism and withdrawal and blaming, and I think that, for him, this came from him not being honest because of how much he was guarding his secret.  He felt so much agitation, so much resentment, toward me, and took it out on me.  Discovering the hidden sexuality was then just complete and utter rejection, and a sense of being betrayed and deceived, discarded, treated with contempt.  It is the deceit and betrayal and trust-shattering and contempt and criticisms—those are the things that are hard for me.  And how it is all about his inner turmoil.  His inner turmoil has now taken over my ability to even function. So the sexuality is not the pain—but to me it seems to the be the source of how he has treated me.

Roo,
 What you describe is a pattern that seems to characterize a lot of the marriages/relationships of those who come here (including my own).  I am talking about what you have recently begun to see as the pattern in your relationship, the one-sided quality of it.  As we begin to see how we have lived in a pattern of acquiescing to our spouses, or not pushing back, or staying silent in order not to rock the boat, or placating, or otherwise avoiding setting off our spouses, we also begin to see how this has distorted our own sense of ourselves.  Their suppression of themselves and their sexuality produces an answering quashing of ourselves on our part (in addition to the projection of their unhappiness onto us in the form of criticism and contempt that OnMyOwnTwoFeet describes).  
   You are, I would say, making A LOT of sense.

Roo,

Yeah  my GX  controlled all of our time and money... the mood of the house was set by her..   Looking back now I can see how dysfunctional it was.   I sure the hell lost myself  and I'm shocked how selfish she was.

The thing is... I bet  even if you did everything he wanted and nothing you wanted  he would still not be happy.       I think what your feeling is the enormous weight of the narcissism  he created, subtlety over the years...  you suddenly realize how much you've lost yourself in them.        

I truly believe when they've depleted us and can get nothing else out of us...sex, money, time... (In my case when they've completely emasculated us) ...  when we feel lost ourselves...  that seems to be when they have their affair and start looking elsewhere.

Your feelings are normal and just.      Vent away.   

Last edited by Rob (February 12, 2019 1:25 pm)

Rob wrote:

I bet  even if you did everything he wanted and nothing you wanted  he would still not be happy. 

Agreed, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't because they are avoiding facing the real issue.
 

I often look at other couples and wonder what it would be like to be in a "normal" marriage. I know everyone's marriage is not perfect, but I just don't feel like I have a husband or real marriage, if that makes sense. Like I've said in my original post, it's always about what HE wants to do. The minute I suggest something "I" want to do, he gets an attitude. This is why I have 25 year old furniture and a car with 200k miles on it! LOL! Although I am FAR from a materialistic person, it sure would be nice to have some new stuff for a change! 
Mimi...yes, that is how I feel. I no longer like myself for letting the situation get away from me for so long.