I have a couple of thoughts on this.  By way of possible explanation (NOT EXCUSE)... being shamed out of your non-normative sexuality by a heteronative society and/or family dynamic is a form of trauma. Learning to hide and lie, compulsively, in order to survive your youthful upbringing  - and avoid bullying, ,abuse or abandonment, may have very well been an adaptive and *appropriate* response to that environment. Fast forward 30 years later... the same adaptation is now abusive to others... 
Adaptions to shame can include: withdrawal, attacking self, addictions/avoidance, and/or attacking others.  Lucky us.
I appreciate Omar Minwalla's work on understanding that it is not just about the behavior but also the personality disorder/character disturbance that needs to be addressed. And, that the partner endures significant trauma that deserves acknowledgement and requires treatment.
 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Estella. I resonate with your words. My ex is in full denial.  We want truth over anything, but they are incapable of believing that we could handle the truth in a loving way.  They aren't hearing us. And that is not about us. Thinking through a trauma lens.... if they are responding from their wounds - which is what we do when triggered -  (their emotional trauma from childhood shame) - they are actually likely young boys.   This helps me detach, stop trying, and stop personalizing the abuse and callousness. It's beyond hard. I cycle through rage, grief, compassion and love many times a day. And I have had no contact for over a year. I aim to sit in gratitude daily for the learnings, the people that have supported me, and the fact that I am free from a broken man.

"I CYCLE THROUGH RAGE, GRIEF, COMPASSION AND LOVE MANY TIMES A DAY....I AIM TO SIT IN GRATITUDE DAILY FOR THE LEARNINGS.... AND THAT FACT THAT I AM FREE FROM A BROKEN MAN"

So eloquently put. I only only 3 weeks out of ending a relationship the day after Christmas. I don't even know how to describe the situation. I feel very sad and disappointed someone would be so callous and emotionally abusive when they have the secret to hide. I was under the impression (his) we would move in and marry and have children. Today is his birthday and I am unsure to even say a word to him. The whole situation is disorienting and a bit hard to digest at times. :-(

Dandelion wrote:

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Estella. I resonate with your words. My ex is in full denial.  We want truth over anything, but they are incapable of believing that we could handle the truth in a loving way.  They aren't hearing us. And that is not about us. Thinking through a trauma lens.... if they are responding from their wounds - which is what we do when triggered -  (their emotional trauma from childhood shame) - they are actually likely young boys.   This helps me detach, stop trying, and stop personalizing the abuse and callousness. It's beyond hard. I cycle through rage, grief, compassion and love many times a day. And I have had no contact for over a year. I aim to sit in gratitude daily for the learnings, the people that have supported me, and the fact that I am free from a broken man.

Wanting closure is normal for people. It's one of the reasons we have funeral rites. Even then the mourning is not over. What you are going through is very similar to losing someone through causes completely unknown. They disappeared without a trace, presumed deceased, but you spend years wondering if that was what really happened.

I think you are correct, this is a mind game tactic. If he refuses to acknowledge the situation you may begin to question yourself. Eventually you will reach out to him and that allows him to either reinforce that doubt or respond with calculated cruelty. What is the alternative explanation? If he can just drop you like that, without a word, what does that say about his character?

Whatishappening?  - What you are experiencing is a normal response to cruel and cowardly behavior. The confusion and disorientation is horrific! The cognitive dissonance from trying to reconcile what they  once were to what they are currently doing -  with all the gaslighting - is a form of psychological abuse.  I literally had to write out everything on paper, note which were facts and which were perceptions and study them daily to be sure I was grounded in reality. Other people cannot understand what you have been through unless they have been through it. It's like trying to hand them one puzzle piece at a time while you are able to see 100 pieces at once and can see the horror of what's happened while others can't perceive of it.  Especially if they present as "heteroamazing". That's why this forum has been so helpful for me this past year.  

While I once thought his silence was the cruelest thing ever (a cowardly avoidance and control tactic) -  I now see it as a gift. I believe he knew I deserved better than what he could offer me long term. I also believe he is incapable, at this time, of acknowledging the truth out loud due to his own shame. He cannot have empathy for me when he is buried in shame. And I won't play pretend and engage in small talk -(I have too much respect for myself to pretend he did not abuse me covertly for years) - so silence is where we land. I never, ever, imagined i would be in this place with this individual but I am. I'm sorry you are, too. It does get better.   Hang in there!