What a day yesterday.. 

We didn't get along very well in the morning.  We had a bit of a spat by text message and she said some things that were pretty hurtful to me.  She also said she was going to file the divorce papers next week. She said she wanted to talk through some of the divorce topics like asset distribution and physical custody schedules, etc.. She wanted to see if we can agree or if she will need an attorney.  That felt like a bit of a threat to me, but I decided it can't hurt to start discussions. 

I was incredibly nervous all day.  I'm really having a hard time focusing on my job with so much stress at home. 

After the kids got to bed we sat down at the kitchen table and looked over the divorce filing papers that she had pre-filled.  Then we talked about some of the topics that have to be decided in the divorce mediation.  It was a stressful conversation and at a couple points she got very angry with me, but I think in the end we wound up on the same page and will be able to agree to things and not fight.  I know there will be bumps in the road between now and the end, but I'm feeling more optimistic that we can do this amicably and with the kids best interests as the priority.  I also feel like her requests are reasonable and are not taking advantage of me.  One of the very emotional viewpoints I have is this:  She's lied to me for 16 years, destroyed the future life I had hopes and dreams for and have been working so hard to achieve, thrown me away like the trash and now she wants me to pay her for this treatment in the form of alimony or spousal maintenance.. No way..  I would die on my sword before I agree to that.   Anyway, I think she showed integrity and compassion by agreeing not to ask for alimony.  That is something I appreciate and will cause me to act in a more compassionate way in return.  Hopefully this is a good sign that we will be able to work things out. 

Still struggling a ton with my own feelings of betrayal, loss, and rejection and I'm still heartbroken for the boys..  but I'm less worried about how I will survive in the future and less stressed about fighting for the next 6 months.  So today is a much brighter day than I've felt in a long time.  

Thanks again to all here for their kind words and advice.  I'm going to keep needing to share my feelings and status and get more council and encouragement, so I thank you all in advance for being here for me. 

 

Hello,

I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is with children and so much history involved. It makes me realize just how lucky I was to end things so quickly and easily. That thing about her having nobody to turn to when you are right there for her really hit home with me. I went through that too. Knowing about her and staying with her for so long has to be mentally, emotionally and physically draining for you. I really wish you and your children the best, and hope you get some peace when all of this is done with.

I had 4 days off for Labor Day.   It was nice to have the time away from work and it was great to have the time with my boys, but it was a very difficult weekend none-the-less. 

*She* took off on Sat and drove half-way across the state to go to some crappy concert with her new partner.  I hate that woman so much (the new partner).  She brings nothing but death and destruction to everything she touches.  I can't tell my wife this because she obviously thinks she's wonderful.  But she lacks the wisdom to see the devil in disguise.  

I tried to get off the anti-depressants this weekend.  That didn't go so well for me.  The combination of seeing my wife go with her new lover and the traditional holiday parade that we've always gone to on Labor Day made it a very emotional weekend.  I just couldn't deal with it.  I went back on my pills this morning.  I hate that that I'm dependent on medicine to control my emotional state.  


I think i've finally reached the point where I'm comfortable saying that I don't want to be married to her any more.  I miss the wife that I did marry.  I miss the woman I spend the last 16+ years with.  But I don't want much to do with the "new her".  I don't want to be married to a lesbian.  I don't want to be married to this new person who has such different beliefs and attitudes than she had before.  I admitted this to her last night.  

How do I get through the next 6 months of the divorce process being so alone?  How can I go through a year or more after that of "healing" so that I'm healthy enough to get into a new relationship.  Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to take a long time to heal.  One of teachings of my divorce group coucilor is that I should plan to be alone until my kids are adults so that I don't risk introducing more heartbreak and instability into their lives.

The trouble is that It seems like the only thought that makes me happy right now is dreaming of finding someone new.  It's the only optimism I can find.. the idea that I will eventually find someone else and maybe finally feel what a true heterosexual marriage is supposed to be like.  I want that so much.  I want it now!  I don't want to wait.  I'm sure this my weakness and co-dependance speaking, but I want so badly to put on that band-aid and feel better.  I don't feel like I'm incapable of having a healthy relationship with someone else.  

Any suggestions on how to put that desire on the back burner?  How do I find comfort in being alone for a while when all i want is to have someone in my life to love and have love in return?  How do I accept being single for a while.. maybe a long time?  How do I admit to myself or convince myself that I need to just be patient and wait for a while?  

Last edited by lostdad (September 6, 2016 10:01 am)

I'm so so sorry. I can feel the pain in every word of your initial message. I hope it helps to know I was right there. So many of us have been. I looked to the survivors on this forum to survive.

It will get better. I am a year out. Going through a horrific divorce with a person who is projecting all of his failure, lies, and hurt onto me. After a 20 year marriage that I considered blessed.

He has torn our family apart. The grief nearly killed me, but it didn't. I'm still alive. I'm still surviving. Telling the children was one of the worst days of my life. But at least I know it wasn't my choice. Maybe someday they will understand that, too.

I have to believe it will get better but it takes a long time. The fact you are allowing yourself to feel your grief is healthy. I am so very sorry any of us have to suffer like this.

One thing -- about 10 months in I started dating and while it didn't turn serious, it did help me see I am attractive and help me have fun again. And my therapist remembers me telling her I'd never date again.

I still have a long way to go. I so grieve the loss of our stable family, even though it was a ticking timebomb. I miss the naïveté. I miss being with my kids all the time -- I was raising them. But I can honestly say I don't love him anymore. I did for many months, but he became so emotionally abusive there is just no way.

No my plan is to take him for every penny he's worth and someday meet a man who is truly worthy of my love. And learn to never question myself or doubt myself as a result of his bullshit. I'm getting there. You will, too.

Last edited by Sue (September 6, 2016 9:34 pm)

Bad day today.  She filed the divorce papers.  Part of me is happy because I know that it is inevitable and at some point I need to move on, so "the sooner the better".  The other part of me is very sad.  It's making this more of a reality.  Today sucks. 

What's worst is the judge that we got for the case.  She's the most famous gay/lesbian rights judge in our area.  Hopefully we can do everything through mediation like we have so far agreed to.  But if it goes to trial I think this judge would hurt my chances.  

I need to see the divorce filing papers to see if she filled things out in alignment with what he had thus far agreed to or if she double-crossed me. 

ugh..  today is horrible.  I wonder who and when she will have me served.  I hope it's not her lover that comes to my house to serve me.  That would hurt a lot. 

so sad today.