Zoso wrote:

We have not told anyone yet either. We are waiting until after the holidays. I suspect that is when it will become more real if that makes sense. Telling other people gives it weight or finality if you will. This is the only place I have for support at the moment

I’m sorry you don’t have anyone outside this forum for support.  This forum is important to me in that there are people who are going (and have gone) through the same experiences. Of course each journey is different, with some others worse off and some better, but the fundamental themes of being a straight spouse are helpful to hear and talk about.

We have notified quite a few people at this point, with varying degrees of difficulty.

I found that talking to people around me had two functions. The first was to alleviate the pain of feeling alone with it. This only takes one or two people, and made a profound difference in how I felt and thought about the situation. It sounds like you might be there now.  The other function is more along the lines of coming out to those around us so that they can all start processing it. This sounds more like the step that you refer to that gives it the weight and finality. That can come later or be a slower process. 

I recommend you think about one or two people that you can confide in to help relieve the pressure. You can coordinate this with your wife so she’s aware and good with it, if things are amicable enough for that.  My wife and I have been able to support each other through this process, and let each other know as we talk to people.

Regardless, talking to others is an important step in processing your own individual feelings, and I would encourage you to consider it sooner than later.

J

lily wrote:

It is extremely unlikely your wife did not know she was attracted to women since puberty if not earlier and yet you are saying you believe her over this even tho it is clear she hasn't been entirely honest or upfront with you anyway.

 she has known for a long time and she knows what she wants and you know what you want which is to do what she wants.

While you continue to do what she wants she will continue to be nice but see what happens
 

She has admitted to being attracted to women most of her life, but she’s always considered it somewhat typical of women in today’s society.  The kind of attraction that fashion magazines feed on.

I appreciate the perspective and warnings.  I realize that my attitude seems overly optimistic or somewhat fantasized, but I’m not sure what things I said that made you think that I’m doing what she wants.  I’m resolved to the idea that she is gay, and that we can’t be together. Although increadibly painful, splitting up is the right choice.  For me the logic of the situation is clear, but the emotional aspect is the tricky one and demands the most attention while we go through this process.

I realize that people’s perspectives change, as you have pointed out, but her discussions around the division of assets associated with divorce generally favor me.  The house being the biggest piece, which she has no intention at this time to have me buy her out or force the sale.

I do appreciate your warning.  Don’t get me wrong.

J

Thank you Lily.