walkbymyself wrote:

OpenWound wrote:

I know I just need to quit worrying about him and his reasons, excuses, etc. but it’s so hard.  At least it’s proving hard for me.  I feel BAD identifying him as gay when he doesn’t identify himself as such.  I feel BAD being the one who wants out of this relationship when he wants nothing more than to make it work.  I feel BAD that I filed for divorce.  I just feel BAD all the time about most everything.  I don’t want to be the bad guy but even after he cheated on me for over half of our marriage and is extremely sexually confused at best, it’s turning out that I’M the one who’s wrong.  I’M the one destroying our marriage.  I’M the one breaking up our family and hurting our children.  He’s just a victim in all this.  WTF???  

I think one of the toughest things, for me, was to realize that the guy who had been in charge of our family's finances, lifestyle, everything ... the guy who was the smartest guy in the room, the guy who went to an Ivy League school and worked at the top of his profession ... had so thoroughly tampered with the mechanisms of decision-making all these years, and I never saw it at all.  The guy who supposedly had the best interest of me and my daughter, actually had intentionally and knowingly disabled his own internal alarm-system.  

I think a lot of us went through this process ... it's incredible to us that he should actually believe what he appears to believe right now.  It means that we've placed our trust, and our family's well-being, in someone with the impulse control of a three-year-old.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, could possibly fail to see the complete illogic of some of the arguments my husband has made in his own defense.  It's stunning.  If I were to write this story, nobody would believe me.

I have had to coach myself, over and over, not to worry about what my husband thinks any more.  Sometimes I'm successful and sometimes I'm not.  I've put his best interest front and center for so many years, it's hard to disconnect that impulse.

Wow. I'd like to print this out and hang it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder.
Especially the part about putting my trust and well being in the hands of someone with the impulse control of a three year old.
After years and years of knowing that my husband liked the thought of being with a man - but insisted that he wasn't gay - he's gone way, way over the edge. Trying to set up meetings with anonymous guys. (And yes, I said he could, because the other alternative was sulking and pouting on his part.) Buying sex toys, ones for anal use, vibrators and the like. And then - the wearing of lacy underthings, garter belts, stockings, sports bras, nighties, etc. Asking me if I'd put makeup on him. Wanting me to dress him up like a chick and take him out. Creepier and creepier. 
And this is the person who passes judgement on my piss-poor financial management skills. Who says he's going to "throw me out" of my own home because he "can't take" someone getting in money trouble all the time. Who says we "don't need" lawyers to divorce if we act like adults. (Translation - as long as I let him call the shots, and nobody finds out about his taste in men and lingerie, and I let him tell me what I'm entitled to.)
Ugh. So glad I found this forum. Turns out I'm not alone, after all.