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September 12, 2018 5:01 pm  #21

Re: Confused

Dolcevita, I also just wanted to add to what everyone else has observed ...

If you want to have children some day, I think you should stop and consider whether this man is even remotely capable of being anything beyond a sperm donor.  Kids are great -- but they're also stressful, exhausting, expensive, and all-consuming.  There are plenty of great men out there who would love nothing more than to shoulder the burden of children with you, knowing what the ultimate rewards will be.  

It doesn't sound like this guy is that kind of guy.  If you really do want kids, and you want happy, healthy kids in a stable home with two adults in charge -- the sooner you walk out on this guy, the sooner you can start looking for the kind of guy who's always wanted children.


September 12, 2018 7:41 pm  #22

Re: Confused

Amen walkbymyself! Parenting is a very difficult venture. Do NOT count on anyone who can not be truthful to themselves to be helpful and truthful with your children. 


October 13, 2018 10:01 pm  #23

Re: Confused

Your story is so close to mine. I’m now 40. I married my husband when I was 29. We were together for almost 3 years prior to getting married. I knew I wanted kids right off the bat but he’d been previously married and had 3 already but promised me on our wedding night we would have one in a years time because he would reverse his vasectomy. It took him like 9 years before he reversed it and it didn’t work. But right from the beginning it was lies and deceit. About a year into our marriage I found a text message and he explained it away. He was using toys on himself and I caught him doing that. He spent astronomical amounts of money buying sex toys and for awhile I was using them on him as well. Now I just feel as if I was used the whole time. He was in a major car accident in 2014 that “changed his life” and I truly believed that! He suffered a traumatic brain injury and spinal cord injury. By the grace of God or some crazy miracle after breaking c1-c3 in his neck in what’s known as a hangman’s fracture he was still able to walk. It seemed he had a whole new outlook on life. I really believed things were different and we decided to have a baby. I was 38. We did invitro and as much as I love my beautiful daughter and wouldn’t trade her for anything, I sorely regret the day I chose to believe he was changed. Now here I am, almost 2 years after giving birth to my daughter and he’s back doing the same crap and lying to me. He has always been going on Craigslist to hunt down men, but since they shut that down he hasn’t been able to. But we agreed no more lies and no more hiding if he wanted to use toys or is using them. Well the other day I caught him using onesnd trying to hide it. I’m sure he’s doing other stuff but he swears he is not. It’s even harder to leave once you have a child. Trust me. I know how hard it is. DO NOT have a child with this man. Get out NOW!! I know the heart wants what it wants. I’m there right now. I keep asking myself- why do I allow myself to be treated this way. And yet still I so badly want to stay. I don’t want to go through the heartbreak- yet that’s all I’ve been living is a million heartbreaks over the last 13 years. But somehow that doesn’t seem to be enough to make me walk away. I ask myself all the time what is wrong with me that I put up with this kind of behavior!? Anyone else and I would have been long gone. But I know. Deep down in the heart of me I know. I know he is gay. And I know he is not going to change ever. My heart is broken. I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve developed insomnia- something I’ve never had in my life, I normally sleep like a log. I have no self esteem left. I question everything about myself and how I could choose someone so wrong for me when I thought he was everything. I thought he was such a kind gentle caring person. Someone who would be the light after all the failed bad relationships I’ve had in the past. I feel lost. But at the same time, I’m left wondering- why didn’t I trust my first knee jerk, gut instinct that said something isn’t right from that first text message on his phone 10 years ago. Don’t end up in my shoes- with a child you need to carry through a breakup as well. I wish to God everyday I had gotten out 10 years ago!!


October 14, 2018 4:07 am  #24

Re: Confused

Katile wrote:

And yet still I so badly want to stay. I don’t want to go through the heartbreak- yet that’s all I’ve been living is a million heartbreaks over the last 13 years.

Katile, it’s so hard for you to leave because you are traumatically bonded to him. All those times he has let you down, promised change, let you down, repeat, repeat have a devastating effect on your ability to leave the relationship. Most of us have wondered why we find it so hard to get away when we view ourselves as strong, principled people in general. It’s because your brain is fried with the lies and confusion, it’s not your fault but the solution does lie with you. Can you reach out to a SSN contact in your area? You need some support to detach. Can you get away for a while and get some perspective without him being around? It really isn’t too late to get out and have a much more peaceful life. That heartbreak you talk about is just a step, it’s nowhere near as bad as this constant distress, I promise you that.


October 14, 2018 8:45 am  #25

Re: Confused

Idk of any supports in the area. I emailed ssn twice and never got a response. Idk if it’s something with my email or what, but I even searched my emails for the straight spouse network to see if I got a response I missed. The hardest part is he is an awesome father and our two year old daughter is a handful. We have a hard time finding someone to care for her. I see so many stories where people say the spouse tries to place blame on the straight spouse for them being gay or whatnot. My husband has never done this. Which makes it harder. He says everything is 100% his fault. Which In itself is maybe a technique to get me to stay? Idk. He says he can’t and won’t ask me to stay because he knows that’s not fair to me, but he won’t own up and leave on his own even though he basically knows he’s gay. Then he’ll take it back... wait, he’s not 100% sure he’s gay. He’s not attracted to other women but he’s definately sexually attracted to me. Whatever. I’m so lost and confused and I just want some clarity and honesty but he can’t give that because he’s so confused himself. I’ve already told him- you cannot possibly love me. Because In order to love someone you have to love yourself first. And there is so much self loathing going on inside him it’s sad. And I’ve always been that kind of person that wants to “help people” but I know I’m causing more harm than good by staying. My mind knows what’s right. My heart doesn’t agree or want to listen. When we met we connected on a level I’ve never connected with anyone. I know and can feel that’s gone, but I can’t help thinking it’s still there lost in all this mess. I’m scared I won’t ever have that connection with anyone else, but idk why I would even want to try to get it back with the same person that continues to hurt me over and over. I just fear that connection that I can’t even explain won’t be found with anyone else.


October 14, 2018 10:56 am  #26

Re: Confused

Being a good father is not based on sexual orientation. I'm glad that he is a good father to your daughter and hope he continues to do so. I'm also glad he is taking responsibility for what his lack of what a marriage means and how he has failed yours. My STBXGH has done the same. It is his fault ... 100%. My husband stated "you deserve to be happy and find someone." This is deflective and only echos exactly what HE wants. I didn't want any of this mess. I thought I had married an honest man, who knew he was attracted to me, and wanted to be with me for the rest of my life. Clearly this is NOT the case. He has cheated on me with a man. THAT is not ok with me! I have to admit that the self-loathing going on in my husband actually makes me feel better (awful but very true). I doubt it compares with the self-loathing, loniness, and depression that I have been struggling with for at least the last 20 years of our 27 years of marriage ... he did that to me. You did nothing to your husband; let him own what he has done to you. 

If you haven't stopped being intimate with your GH, I strongly suggest that you do so. Then go get tested for STDs. Now is the time to take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you will be better equiped to care for your daughter and the rest of this mess. God Bless


October 14, 2018 1:19 pm  #27

Re: Confused

Hey Katile,
My heart goes out to you because I can hear the sadness and desperation in your posts, and the indecision and turmoil you are in.

As you commented on my post, our experiences are similar - his self loathing, fantasies, etc etc. My husband (to my knowledge) has never tried to hook up with men, and the 2 dildoes we have are hidden in a purse in my wardrobe so he doesn’t do that. Mine has always had the submissive/mistress, leather fetishes. And I played along for awhile but it just faded away as it’s really not me. He didn’t insist, however our sex life fell into a truce of some sort whereby I would give him handjobs (mistress/slave fantasy included) and he might give me oral sex if I wanted it. That has been our sex life for years as he can’t maintain an erection with penetrative sex.

The last lot of gay erotica I found after having told him I’d leave him 2 years ago if it came up again, has spurred me on to finally end this 25 year old marriage. His drinking, melancholia, being in his own head, neglecting me and our kids etc etc for so many years plays a big part too in why I’ve had enough. All I know is that the hell you are in won’t get any better because he likes what he likes - and changing that is like moving a mountain. My husband was a good dad to our kids when they were little, however he became less interested and more belligerent with them when they hit their teens as they were no longer the adoring little kids, thinking their dad was the bees knees. Sean has commented on this specifically as the GID needs external validation to minimise the self loathing.

This is such a terrible place for you right now. The insomnia, the constant refrain in your head of “do I leave, do I stay, can we fix this etc etc). It can be a very long process. So so hard.

You WILL know when you are done though - and only you can decide that. This shit is painful and hard but you will be OK.


October 14, 2018 3:16 pm  #28

Re: Confused

Oh Dolcevida,
My heart aches for you in your situation. Please, please do NOT give this man any more of yourself; it can only cause you more pain. Please try to find a compassionate therapist. (I had to meet 3 before I found one who could give me the care I needed. The first 2 I met told me after the first meeting that I needed somebody more skilled.)
      Right now, I suspect you believe you have very few options for becoming a mother. I am a woman who was told, after 18 years (and 2 children) that the only man she'd ever loved "wanted to explore his homosexual feelings". I had set aside my career aspirations to care for my husband and our children, for 13 years. Re-entering the paid workforce at age 43, has been really really difficult. I am now 61 and am thankful that I have, at least "fragile employment" and good health.
   Yes, I do know how it feels to yearn for children... I have too many friends who "settled" because they believed they were getting too old. While the children are caring & compassionate, they have much "baggage" that they will have to deal with eventually. My  own children, now aged 32 & 28 still have difficulty trusting others of the opposite gender. And no, neither has indicated homosexual tendencies.
      I have been realizing that my GX manipulated me from the very beginning of our relationship. Sure, I believe he wanted to believe what he had been told: that he could control his nature with prayer & willpower. In the 1980's the thinking was that homosexuality was a "choice" and could therefore could be ignored. But then he turned 40, and was being more mean-spirited, undermining my authority with our children,... I thought, as did our friends, that he was "in a mid-life crisis". During the following 5 years, he succeeded in isolating me from my family (to the point that my own mother & brother blamed me for making him gay!) and friends.
So, when he dropped "the bomb" when he was 45, I had only 2 people in whom I could confide and trust (1 was my therapist).
I am telling you all this in the hope that you will not go down the path of suicidal thinking that I have. You ARE valuable to our society. You DESERVE to be loved and cared for. Please do get tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections as others have suggested. Do learn about narcissism & gaslighting.
       Keeping a journal has really helped me to realize how insidiously I was being manipulated & abused by him. I give my therapist my journal pages to read each week during our sessions and that has profoundly helped me.
      I was able to get a really good lawyer who forced a Settlement Agreement to be signed, otherwise, I'd be destitute. Unfortunately, when GX pleaded for a reduction in the payments, I trusted that I'd be able to get a decent job, even though I was re-entering the work force at age 43. And, I admit, I felt sorry for him because he did not choose to be homosexual. But I have, with time, realized that he did choose to not tell me of his struggle because he did NOT respect me enough. 
     As 4everdamaged wrote, "starting over is difficult, but the younger, the better." You need to be kind to yourself now, not him. 


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