OutofHisCloset wrote:

The anger and the questioning are pretty standard.  Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, of course.  You're going over your past in light of what you know now, and I think it's pretty common that our initial response is often to wonder if ANY of it was real. One insight someone passed on to me was to remember that you were sincere and acting sincerely even if she wasn't (and of course you can't know), so what you felt was real, and that you can keep close and depend on. This is a way to give ourselves a little firm ground and to keep them from (also) stealing our pasts from us.  I noticed that I tended to reprocess the past in several other ways as well: I looked back to see if there were clues to my stbx's sexuality that I missed, I looked back and saw how some behaviors and attitudes in relation to me that bothered me then could now be explained, either by the unacknowledged sexuality or by the full blown narcissism I was now seeing.  I decided that what I might now see as a "clue," was not a "clue" at the time, because at the time I did not have the frame of reference I would need to understand it in that way, and I very reasonably explained things through the frame I had.  As for behaviors toward me, this part was actually somewhat freeing to me, because his distance and disregard I had always before interpreted as a response to some fault or lack in me, and now I knew it wasn't me, but what I didn't and couldn't know--or fix.  Plus, seeing his full blown self centered behavior now I was able to see less extreme examples of it in the past.  I would say that your wife's current "I'm good with God" comments is an example of her self-centered interest--how does one get "good" with God without behavior toward you and her son?  What she means, I suspect, is that she's "good" with her sexuality, and is deciding that therefore anything she did is ok.  Eventually you will settle on the way you will think of your past. 
  It hurts like a mofo (euphemism for something more profane, sorry, but "hurts so very deeply" just doesn't do it) to feel the pain of being discarded and cheated on and cheated by their hidden sexuality.  You feel rejected at a very basic level, which tends to make us think that at a very basic level we are without worth.  You'll get over this part, and getting her out of the house is the best step toward healing you can make.
  

 

This is an honestly breathtaking "looking back in hindsight" post. For myself..especially the part in bold. 
It truly does hurt like a motherfucker
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 8, 2018 2:01 pm)

Dog Lover,
   You have yourself to care for and look after, and right now that's exactly the person you need to give your care and love to.  You will have opportunities to care for others again, I promise, and when you choose to give to your care again, it's going to be to someone (or those) who will actually appreciate and reciprocate it.  I felt the same as you, but as you get through this the bleakness you perceive all around you will clear.

Thanks to everyone for listening/reading all my mess and for all the advice and support.  I try reading other posts on here, but it quickly gets to be too much.  I just don't get how someone can change seemingly overnight.  I know we're all in the same boat or at least have been in the same boat.  Sometimes seems to be a lot of water in the boat though.  

So this weekend was rough.  Nothing major happened, just seemed one little thing after another that combined to make a monkey wrench in the day.  Then yesterday at church, I just did not want to be there.  Part of it I don't feel like I can talk to anyone at this moment about what's going on.  I don't trust myself to not fall apart to even mention just needing prayers there.  I know I need to be there, not only for me but also keeping my son in church as well.  There are times that I just seem to keep it together for him.

This week will be a changing point.  We are telling our families (again) but telling them the entire story this time.  I'm sure it'll be the hot rumor around by this weekend since some members of her family love to gossip.  I know its coming whether its this weekend or some other time soon.  Just not looking forward to that, but at the same time it will be nice to talk to my family about it.  We're not telling my son until closer time to when she moves out.  Hopefully that's about a month or less out.  I hate being like this, but I'm ready for that.