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- Daryl
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
Lena wrote:
I often ask myself "what would I do when I found out my ex gay spouse married straight person?"
We had already learnt in a hard way that being GAY is not a life style, it is who you are and you cannot change it...it is not a phase.
Since we have this knowledge, should not we share it with those next victims? Are we allowed to interfere when we have this knowledge?
We are not a part of ex gay spouses lifes anymore, but we know the pain and the devastation feeling we were left with after discovering the truth...Our recovery journey took time,and we do not want to look back and recall that past anymore, but shouldn't we act?!
And what about those ex gay spouses family members- should they do anything to prevent another family disaster, and unhappiness on both sides?
Or, we have no right to interfere? And our voice won't do much difference in this case?
But then, it is almost like we witness someone being beaten up on the street and we won't call police and ambulance.
I do not judge anybody...myself, I am not sure what I would do.
After the trauma we need to recover from, it is understandable that we want nothing to do with those ex gay spouses anymore.
We want to move on...
But somehow this subject is on my mind when I read those stories like Baffled.
This topic regularly appears in this forum. Everyone has to make their own choices but I don't think it achieves much, however noble the intention might be. None of us would wish to see more people go through this situation but when you approach your ex's new interest you open yourself up to a number of possibilities. One is that you won't be believed and possibly told, in no uncertain terms, to mind your own business. If your ex was a charmer to you, it's pretty safe to assume he laid on the same slick show for her and now she thinks she's found her 'soul mate'. A second thing you open yourself up to is ridicule from your ex. If your ex is always in denial, this is the perfect opportunity to call you 'crazy' or an unhappy vindictive person who wants to sabotage his new relationship. If he's previously always tried to blame the breakup on you, this just gives him more evidence to use against you. Personally, I think it's best to get out and stay out. That being said, if the new spouse did happen to come and ask me what happened, I wouldn't hide the truth.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
If I hear my stbx is getting involved with another woman you bet your bottom dollar I will ask her if she knows about his autogynephilia. And I don't care one whit about whether she believes me or not, or whether he gets angry or not. She can do with the information what she wants; but she should have the information.
I remember years ago, a candidate for a professorship at the university where I teach was on campus, and as I was one of the faculty slated to interview her, I was given her file to read. In it was a letter from one of her graduate faculty, and it was a doozy, full of comments about her looks and how their department would trot her out at functions attended by the dean so he would be generous with their department--essentially pimping her out for their own benefit! I was appalled, and contacted the Provost, who, when she'd read the offending letter, said we could not tell the candidate, as it was going against confidentiality and we could be held liable. When I got to the lunch at which I was to meet her, I talked to the other faculty members in attendance; they were all equally appalled at this letter, but one of them, another woman in a sister department (this was the hard sciences), said, "Oh, I already told her about it. If I had a letter in my file like that, I'd want to know about it." And that has been my guide ever since.
My intentions aren't "noble." They are in service to honesty, in not letting my stbx do to another woman what he did to me. I don't give a fig whether my telling her would give him ammunition to badmouth me. I can take that. As I say, if the woman chooses not to believe it, or goes ahead, that's her choice, but it will be one she's making with information she didn't have before. And my conscience will feel a lot cleaner than if I said nothing and set another woman up for the same heartbreak I experienced.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 18, 2018 6:53 pm)
- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
I sometimes wonder if my spouse's first wife knew that her husband (and later mine) was trans. He actually cheated on her, with a woman, and she kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce within a week. It was, according to him, the first time he had cheated in their 15 years of marriage. It seems like she was looking for a reason to leave and his cheating provided her with that though.
Anyway, it is a problem I won't face as my STBX has fully transitioned so any new partner will be aware of all that. If, however, my spouse was still presenting as a man and started to get serious with a woman, I would definitely tell her. I know she wouldn't believe me just as wouldn't have believed the ex-wife either, but "sisters before misters." I had a right to know and she would too.
Stay strong
- Daryl
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
If I hear my stbx is getting involved with another woman you bet your bottom dollar I will ask her if she knows about his autogynephilia. And I don't care one whit about whether she believes me or not, or whether he gets angry or not. She can do with the information what she wants; but she should have the information. ......
My intentions aren't "noble." They are in service to honesty, in not letting my stbx do to another woman what he did to me. I don't give a fig whether my telling her would give him ammunition to badmouth me. I can take that. As I say, if the woman chooses not to believe it, or goes ahead, that's her choice, but it will be one she's making with information she didn't have before. And my conscience will feel a lot cleaner than if I said nothing and set another woman up for the same heartbreak I experienced.
I get where you're coming from. To clarify, I do believe it's important to always have that full disclosure, preferably from our partners. If that wasn't forthcoming, would I prefer to know anyway, from another party? Yeah, I think so. Even if I didn't believe it at the time at least I wouldn't be able to ask why someone didn't say something. I guess the key is to be able to handle the reaction, however it goes down. I think the approach matters also. "Do you know about his or her ________ ?" (insert condition or event here) rather than a broad easily denied statement such as they're gay. So I guess on some reflection, I'd have to change my position a bit more towards speaking the truth, if you're ready and if it's safe to do so.
Thanks for the dose of reality and that real life experience. If we start slipping too far into hiding things to avoid confrontation, maybe we're inadvertently preserving that closet for someone else to move into.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- walkbymyself
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
I agree with OOHC (I seem to say that a lot, don't I?).
When I was a teenager, I was dating a guy who was always trashing his ex-GF to me. I'd never met her, and believed every word he said. Eventually, she somehow got my number and called and asked if I'd meet her for coffee. She said she assumed he'd been portraying her as a monster. Over coffee, we talked a long time and it was immediately obvious to me that she was only trying to warn me off about some really bad aspects of his character (he was really into prescription drugs, far deeper than he was ever going to acknowledge to me). So I actually think it can be done, and if I ever found out my husband was trying to lure another woman into marriage, I would say something.
- Rob
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
Baffled,
I read this thread anad can see how it hurts because they are gay but won't own it...will cover it up to the point of marrying a straight.
I feel for that straight yes. At the same time I think you can see how it was good to get away from him.
When they become or are religious more so x10...its a scary thing when they claim to believe and be religous but inflict so much hurt.
It can be seen with their breaking of the marriage vows that they promised before God. It can be seen in how they treated us.
Know that you did the right thing and know that God will take care of you and them. They hide behind a straight marriage in this life but not the next.
Ehugs
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- walkbymyself
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Re: Gay Ex Remarries a Woman
Not to get too off-topic, but I've always felt that religion should challenge you to be a better person than you would otherwise have been. When I see it used to justify cruel or coldhearted behavior, I have a real problem with it. It's like someone can't argue right and wrong, so they fall back on a dubious claim that some ancient religious text not only tolerates cruelty, but compels it. I mean, before my husband knew I'd busted him, he very casually mentioned that he wanted to go to Ash Wednesday services with our daughter, but that he wasn't supposed to take communion because he hadn't been to confession. I just remember being amazed at the cognitive dissonance there: he's such a devout Catholic that he can't take communion ... but somehow everything else he's done isn't a problem?
As I said, religion should challenge you, not provide cover for cruelty.