OoHC - You sound like you're doing really well. The setbacks and throwbacks you mentioned are completely normal - a part of the grieving process.  I love that you've been scheduling keeping busy and interacting with friends. Dinnertime sounds like a challenge.  But this too shall pass. You're walking through the fire, and once you're through it, it will be behind you.  Keep walking.

jacki - I love that you're re-framing.  It can make a HUGE difference in what we see that we're leaving.  We often look at what we'll be missing, never stopping to recognize that we've BEEN missing it already for a long time, and we're not leaving that behind at ALL by leaving our current situation.  We're sad to walk away from that dream, but we've been carrying that dream around in our arms as dead weight for far too long. Now it needs to be buried.

Rob - It's good to hear your voice again.  You need to do what's best for you, and if hanging out here triggers that old pain, then it's best for you to do other things.  But know that you are missed.

Roo - You are stuck in the desert, my friend. I'll bet you're parched - for sustenance, for touch, for genuine kindness and compassion.  It can be so limiting when you can't see your way out financially. It'd be one thing to know that all the hard stuff comes from the emotional journey. But knowing that's not even the most pressing need can be overwhelming and keep us right where we are.  Have you already visited a lawyer to ask about what your future could look like? If not, that's a great place to start. It doesn't mean you've decided to leave - it means you've decided to look into your options more fully. Are you currently in counseling? That can also help navigate your feelings and help you make decisions.

Ellexoh - I'm so sorry to hear of your dear mother's passing. I'm hoping that all the things you're doing to put the estate to rest have been distracting in a good way vs. just adding more pain to your situation.  I think that's unlikely, but I'm hoping I'm wrong about that.  Enjoy your time with your grandson.

Kathyd - I'm sorry to hear that you're so lonely. Is there any way to do something about it? Maybe even joining a book club, since you like to read so much? It doesn't need to be something with opportunities to meet men - it can just be something to look forward to, or a place that's a respite from what you're dealing with.  Is there a face-to-face meeting in your area for straights? Maybe it'd be a great place to make a few new friends and be able to talk about your current challenges.

Violated - I'm sorry to hear that you feel so very sad and exhausted.  Mental causes for exhaustion are just as real as physical ones. And you can't seem to sleep it away.  It clings to you like a heavy, wet blanket. I'm glad to hear though that you are seeing clearly now, and that believing the lies is no longer enticing for you. I think you're in no-man's land right now, but it can and will get better over time. You are waiting to live your life - as if you cannot make that happen right where you are, with just the tools and people you already have. It's not true, but I know the feeling well. Try to find some new hobbies and old friends to hang out with, to combat the sadness.  I know that's challenging when you're already tired. But maybe just reconnect with one old friend that would be overjoyed to see you again. It can start the ball rolling.

greyhound gal - I'm glad that you're at a place where you know that you did the right thing in getting away from him.  I'm also glad to hear that you've found it works better for you if you go no-contact.  It can help immensely.  It sounds like your ex is acting like an adolescent with regards to his commitments and is treating you like you are a part of his past rather than a person that he let down. I'm sorry you're going through that. So many of us do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm hoping that as time goes on for you, you will do better and better, and the lows will be much less low and fewer and farther in-between.

I'm dealing with my ex continuing to let his kids down, and watching the hurt on my daughter's face in particular.  Their father is making next to no effort except to receive the kids when they decide they want to see him and make arrangements for it. He completely snubbed them for Father's Day - AGAIN. I think he thinks that that day is all about him, and if it's not important to him, then it affects no one else.  But he'd be wrong - if your father doesn't seem to be honored and excited to be your father, it make you feel like YOU must not be much to be excited about.  I've largely let the kids take over their relationship with him, because he doesn't care what I think anyway.  I used to be able to communicate with him about the kids and tell them if he was hurting their feelings.  But instead of correcting the situation, he'd just tell them what I said and tried to combat that - even though I was only telling him how the kids had told ME they felt.  He looked at it as him vs. me, when it was me trying to help him have a better relationship with his own children.  So I let him fall on his own now. It's definitely affecting the relationship they have with him, but he doesn't seem to give one single shit about that.  He never left adolescence, so it's still all about him. And it likely always will be.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (June 26, 2018 10:58 am)

walkbymyself,

I feel for you..  our minds race with all of the problems.    Mine were where will I live?,  where will she live?, how will we pay for things?,  etc etc on and on...

My advice would be to breath..  don't try to process it all.   Take each day one tiny thing at a time..whatever you can manage.    I think at some point things get put into 2 buckets;
   a.) things you need to deal with
   b.) things that are or will be not your problem..

...even a.) things you need to deal with can be broken down into   deal with it now  or deal with it later.

I would think if you have all your financial info into your lawyer, have started your own bank account, have your own charge card, know who owns everything,  and your lawyer has given you a good idea of where you stand and how you will possibly end up,   then you are in good shape to serve him.   
  Then the long battle/road/purgatory/hell  starts of living in a house with person you are divorcing.   You can also move out  but if you dont have money for rent then he can move out... you do not have to leave your home.   I can give lots of advice of living in the same house.. 

I actually just called the lawyer.  He agreed that I didn't need to ambush my husband, and that people do continue to share the same house in circumstances like this ... not forever, of course, but just for a few months getting things organized.

Roo,

This is not forever.  This is a temporary season.  Give up thinking about it for a day and maintain status quo.. try taking another step tomorrow.   On days when I had no strength to do anything I'd sit and read my bible or find a project to do to get my mind off it.   

Its really hard to sneak around and not let these lousy spouses know what we are doing..  But they seem to have no problem with what they are doing...
Definitely find an excuse to go and get tested...you can be honest about that absence saying you are going to the doctor for lady stuff.  

I want to offer a big e-hug.. virtually but authentic. 
 

walkbymyself wrote:

Ellexoh, I'm so sorry about your mother.  Thanks Walk
I'm typically okay in the light of day, but in the middle of the night I'm lying next to this snoring monster and all I can think is "How did I get into this mess and how on earth do I get out?" I know exactly how you feel! But as I've been able to say to my partner "I need a safety net" and my insistence has paid off with money going into an account he has no access to....I feel better about my position. Will the uncertainty always be there? I don't know. Will I ever trust him not to betray me in that way ever again? I don't know..this is a work in progress...