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- Lynne
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
Deleted..
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 7:09 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
walkbymyself wrote:
For anybody interested in this topic generally --
I've been thinking about you, and your daughter ...hoping her graduation went well. And itching to know how the *telling of the news that her father is gay" went.
5 hours in a car sounds like a perfect opportunity to do it.
One foot in front of the other now yes? And close communication with your daughter...
KIA KAHA
- jesijake
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
Walk - thinking of you during this time. I wish healing for both you and your daughter.
- •
Thread Starter- Kathyd
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
My daughter (26) called me crying yesterday for the 1st time since it's happened. She had been angry at both of us. For one, she couldn't handle it emotionally and took a step back and away from it. As time went on her depression & guilt over not being able to be with me became too much. She's staying with me now and we're both happy that the two of us alone can work at our relationship. My GHID is actually her stepfather since age 3, She regrets the dysfunction she's had to grow up with. She's told me that all of her life she's felt alone and like a 3rd wheel. Not a part of a "family". She's an only child but I believe a lot of her feelings stemmed from ME and my lack of attention to her. Although I thought I believed I was doing the best I could, I was just "not there" consistently, she says. Feeling that I was "never good enough" kept me constantly trying to please him more than her. I can finally understand what she was trying to tell me all along. I was so blind to it. Needless to say this is something I can never take back and will regret for the rest of my life. She always felt I chose her stepdad over her. So sad. I can spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her but it's too late now and it breaks my heart.
My GHID has not told his daughter (30) and I believe he NEVER will. Although she is my stepdaughter and we are very close, I just don't feel it's my place to tell her. It will be an unfortunate day that she finds out the truth from a source other than her dad. It's bound to slip out at some point between two step-sisters.
Last edited by Kathyd (June 2, 2018 11:49 pm)
WTF
- greyhound gal
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
I feel for you but also I confess to feeling sad that your daughter has taken the attention onto herself. I dont mean to criticise her but I'm worried that your own pain will get sidelined. I hope not. Maybe you will both be able to reach a new understanding now you are together.
My own 2 children seemed to have accepted their Dad's new life without much trauma which funnily enough made me quite sad. Sorry if that sounds self pitying.
Wishing you well xx
- Kathyd
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
You just put the words into what I was just feeling. I cancelled a date I had yesterday and I think I've lost my new friend because she didn't want to meet him. I'm completely overwhelmed.
WTF
- greyhound gal
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
Can I be brutal? I had a bad spell with my mental health about 10 years ago. It took me ages to recover. But it seemed that every time I was trying to get back on my feet, I would have a crisis with my daughter. Almost as if she picked the time to get attention. Every time the holidays came round I would steel myself and think-what will she do this time? I might be over reacting but thats how it felt.
It sort of feels like your daughter is doing the same. Not that her feelings are not genuine, but I feel she should be worrying about you and not the other way round!
Does that make sense?
She is 26 after all and maybe needs to grow up a bit (sorry). Can you reschedule your date? Please do if you can and just go!
- Kathyd
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
Absolutely. She may have called me because actually she had no choice. She hadn't paid her rent, was being evicted and her car was towed for tickets & taxes.. $1700 later, here she is back home. What you're saying totally makes sense to me. She says not calling me was the hardest thing she's ever done but she's also quite manipulative. I'm the one who's doing the worrying! Well that stops right now. Hopefully he calls me back but I'm not confident at all he will. Aren't greyhounds sooo much more lovable? LOL.
WTF
- walkbymyself
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
I haven't had much time to think and to post -- I'm in NYC right now, and it's a very small apartment, so limited privacy. Anyhow, for the moment my daughter is still really angry with my husband. I have not told her he has HIV because (1) she was already reeling from the shock of it all; and (2) I had told my husband she didn't need to know about that part -- in retrospect, I should have left that option open because she's asked me a couple of times if there's "anything else she doesn't know" and I feel conflicted about sharing that part, but I also feel conflicted about withholding it.
I don't want to put her in a position of having to keep secrets from her own support network, and this is the kind of thing other people really don't have any business knowing. But it also makes it difficult because that one fact is a big part of her life story, she just doesn't know it. Still I think for now I'm going to hold off.
She was actually pretty sensitive about not pushing me to talk about things that are a little too intimate, and she'd told me if any questions were making me uncomfortable I should say so. So the second time she asked "Is there anything else you haven't told me yet" I said I needed to stop for a while.
Just for perspective here, it's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep. I just don't know how I can go back home (after I get her all settled in), but I also can't see how I could afford to move either. The only places I could afford would be in areas where I don't have any friends or family.
- greyhound gal
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Re: How did you tell your adult children
I think you made the right decision- for the moment. Its really his place to tell her but I know they are not great at doing that are they? Are you still living with your OH? Sorry if I missed that.
If so, I dont blame you for not wanting to go home. If it helps, I am in a place where I have no family. My Mum and sister are an hour away. We moved here as part of his retirement dream (ha ha) and now he has gone.
It can be lonely but its all mine and that is massive. But also I cant afford to live nearer my family either.
I am slowly making new friends and I like the fact that no-one here knew us before. I am accepted as me without all the baggage. Work has helped me to connect with people and also I have joined a local church and thinking about joining the gym. I would say the pluses far out weigh the negatives.
Hope this helps xx