Hi Phoenix- I am new to this blog. but I just want to say how far you have come since August. Perhaps in 4 months there may be just as positive  an outcome for me. Here's hoping.

Last edited by coleenp (January 20, 2018 6:57 am)

I've been thinking about that dream from a couple of weeks ago and something really strikes me. 

I have the most vivid memories of the first weeks/months after d-day.  I remember those early mornings being roused from dreams.   The dreams at that point in my life were of a happy time when I was in love with my ex and enjoying my marriage and thinking we had a good relationship (despite the lack of sexual chemistry).   Then i would wake up and realize to my horror that my life was falling apart.  I remember the pain of waking up and then having those awful realities wash over me. 

Now it's odd that the experience has completely reversed.  The dreams are vividly painful and raw but then when I wake up and turn on my brain I realized they were just a dream and I'm quickly washed by a fealing of peace and calm.  


My church did a really neat exercise right after New Year's.   The pastor encouraged everyone to think and pray and meditate on the concept of finding a word for 2018.  The idea is to consider what you want for inspiration this year.  Some people chose words that require them to work on faults and improve (such as patience, forgiveness, peace).  Some people chose words that challenge them to find new things in life (Love, learning, etc..).     I chose JOY.    I'm pursuing joy in 2018.  I've been through a lot the past couple years.  This year I'm going to create joy in my life.  This means stronger relationships with my kids, doing more activities and hobbies that I enjoy, spending more time with friends, laughing, playing.  I'm equally working on removing the things that rob me of joy..  like being overweight, stressing over money, etc..  

So far so good!   

Great plan Phoenix, glad you’re feeling so positive. Time is working its magic.

Lostdad/Phoenix—

Created an account just to comment on how valuable your sharing of this whole process has been. Wow... I hadn't even begun to process everything until reading your story. Incredible. While I know it's been painful, know that somewhere, there are people who not only care about your and your experience, but there are untold others who see your story and are touched and moved and motivated to power through, all because of what you wrote on a forum. I've never met you, and likely never will, but you've already made a huge difference in my life. 

Not hoping to hijack, and maybe at some point, I'll begin my own sharing thread like you did, but I do see a few similarities between your personality and mine, while our stories are a bit different. We've been together for 11 years (9 married), with not kids, but pretty intense years nonetheless, having lived and worked closely together internationally for the first half of our time together. After those years, we moved back stateside, and realistically, should have both begun independent therapy (due to just the stress and intensity of our 5 years—not particularly because of each other, but just the whole thing), but we didn't until just a few months ago, with her starting a few months before me. 

In her journey of self-discovery, she went through a period of diagnosing her own sadness to recognizing a general resentment and malaise towards us to, eventually, realizing that she's always had a slightly different sexuality perspective than others. At around this time, she came across a gay community of friends and, yada yada yada, one of those friendships clearly blossomed into something more. She denied it to herself and to me for quite a while, but it's something that she's come to realize she can't run from anymore.

2 months ago was our destabilizing "things aren't going well conversation", and about 1 month ago was the "I think I'm gay" one. Since then, we've had a series of conversations that have included real, heartfelt apologies from me for not being better (Who couldn't have been better?) and insisting that I would do whatever it took to make this right. Usually, those conversations ended with us in puddles of tears. 

This weekend, we sat down, and I was able to ask/request/insist to be taken out of limbo—are we working on this or not? How can we begin the process of healing? It was after more tears that I felt the hammer—"I am gay. I'm sorry, but I know it." So that's that. As we work in the education field (is it too specific to even admit conservative Christian education?), we're going to need to ride out through June as just roommates and spouses, until… whatever comes next. 

She's my wife, yes, but also best friend, my travel companion, my person I go to with everything, my sounding board, my co-parent to two furballs, and my world. Our relationship even now is really positive, even as we know where this is going to end up in the next few weeks to months, but I do know that the valleys are coming. Your posts have been truly heard by someone who's hurting and expecting to hurt worse, and I thank you so much for sharing.

DrBison, 
Welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry you find yourself here.. truly sorry.  Nobody deserves this. 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words.  That is exactly why I spend time here and why I've kept up somewhat regular posts about my journey.  I'm so encouraged to hear that you and perhaps others have found help in my story. 

Please do start your own thread.  I would encourage you to share your story and your feelings with the group.  The responses you will get will be a huge help. 

Let us know what we can do to help.