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February 12, 2018 7:41 pm  #911


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I'm very sorry you're here Cindys. I'll try to address your post but please keep in mind that I'm expressing my opinion. I'm not a mental health professional. 

1. Gay Porn Magazines: 12 years ago I found them, he then told me someone brought them for him as a joke, the recent gay porn magazines I found 3 weeks ago, were free with the purchase of dildos. And he claimed he never looked at gay porn only on those 2 occasions, but I found he opened a gay porn magazine on his iPhone, so I told him I knew he was lying, he then said he may watch gay porn but stopped that last year. He says he also watches other porn and would rather have a woman strap a dildo on and do it to him. That he could not imagine kissing a man or having sex with a man
.

​I reckon he's lying. He seems to have a pattern: lie; minimize ("just once"); then when you confront him with more proof and he lies again. 

2. He has NOT had sex with me for 10 years, says he has ED. He claims he ONLY has sex with himself with inserting dildos and masturbating. That he knows he has been selfish and self indulgent and he wants our relationship to work.

This fits a common pattern with gay in denial husbands (GIDHs). They don't have sex with their wives for years or even decades. Moreover, if he's masturbating, then he's somehow getting erections. I don't know a lot of straight men who enjoy anal stimulation so this suggests he's probably gay. 

3. He contracted hepatitis B 12 years ago and I just recently found out looking at his medical records. He tried to deny it at first saying he got it thru food, I told him you only contract Hep B thru blood, semen, or anal sex. He then cried and said he strayed one time with a female and had anal sex with her, and when he pulled out his penis was all bloody.

​Good on you for doing your homework. The hepatitis coincides with the gay porn you found and I don't believe this is a coincidence. At the very least, he's admitted to cheating and hid a very serious medical condition from you. Given what you've shared, namely the dildos, Hep B, and so on, I believe your husband is a gay bottom. This means he gets penetrated during anal sex. From what I understand, bottoms are more likely to get STDs because anal sex is riskier for the receiving partner.  

4. Now this may be too graphic, But I really need your opinion on this one: He travels on business, and when he came home, his business pants had fecal matter on the back belt loop, back pockets smear, and then on the front zipper opening there appear to be a drop of fecal matter (like a blood splatter would look like). And his underwear had fecal matter inside on top of band. I asked him what happened to his pants, he became defensive, and said he did not know, and then said they were dirty when he put them on and then said he had an accident and did not get to bathroom soon enough.

This suggests he's having sex in cruising grounds like parks or highway rest stops. I'll be equally graphic in this response so get ready. Before anal sex, the bottom (or receiver) often thoroughly douches to ensure that the sexual encounter is clean. If however the sex is outdoors and spontaneous, the bottom can't rinse beforehand. The encounter would then result in the stains you've described. This is pure speculation but the stains suggest he had sex with another man and when they were finished the man had feces on his penis (or condom). Again more speculation but I reckon that when your husband pulled up his pants after anal sex, the other man's penis stained the back of his pants. Then when he turned to face the man, presumably to say goodbye, the man's penis likely stained the front of his pants. If he didn't see the stains, I'd assume the encounter took place in the dark and close to home, perhaps when he was on his way back from a business trip. This would explain him not seeing the stains after he'd had sex and then coming straight home with the evidence. If you really want to know where your husband is "hunting" so to speak, just go on google, enter your town, and then search "gay cruising" for a nearby park or rest stop where gay men hook up. Given what you've described, I think your husband goes there pretty often and likely when he's coming home from a business trip. I hope that's not too painful to read. 

5. I don't understand why he did not tell me this accident before, because often when he jogs, he may have accidents and laughs about it when he runs in the house. 


Ok so now I think the cruising park is within jogging distance of your house. If he acts strange or guilty when coming back from his jogs, then I'm inclined to think he's hooking up on his regular runs. 

6. He also tells inappropriate jokes and comments about gays.

This is called "internalized homophobia" and it's common among closeted gay men. They speak negatively about gays as cover. 

7. But even with all this evidence, he tells me he is only "having self with myself." And that many men enjoy anal stimulation, that it is not just a gay thing.. he claims he worried he might be gay but researched it and knows it is common with straight men.


​He's lying. 

8. All of what I have shared is a side of my husband of 43 years that I never knew about. The man I loved, was always caring, and supportive to me. All my friends and family love him and tells me how lucky I am to have him. He is a good person.......BUT the betrayal OMG!

​I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lots of GIDHs are narcissists, meaning that they show a false self to the world. I too could play the perfect straight husband. After all, many of us have been playing straight our whole lives.  

9. Is he having sexual encounters with men? I have found no evidence of any hookups on craigslist or the Grindr sites. But he travels for business weekly nationwide.

Looking at the facts: 

- Gay porn
​- Questionable stains on his trousers
​- He has admitted to cheating (albeit with women)
​- He enjoys anal stimulation and frequently uses dildos
​- No longer has sex with his wife
​- A history of lying or "it happened once" minimization 
​- Hep B
​- Constantly traveling for business
​- Homophobic 

Yes I think he's been having sex with men for years.  Here are some other things that suggest a husband is gay in denial and cheating: 

​- An almost obsessive interest in staying in shape, particularly as he ages 
​- A very close male friend who is probably also closeted
- All of his devices are wiped clean or password protected
​- Acts very guilty when back from his business trips (for example buying you expensive gifts) because he went on a gay sex binge

As I've often shared here, if you're posting here, there is probably a 95% chance your husband is gay. I'd also trust your intuition. You know that none of this is normal. You also know your husband well enough to know when he's lying, feeling guilty, or just plain hiding something. Sadly, if he's over 60 the fear is too hard-wired for your husband to ever come out to you. He's likely too far gone to every admit that he's gay. In my experience, 50+ year old men really believe that they're straight, even when having sex with other men. In my opinion, yes your husband is gay, yes he's having a lot of a risky sex with other men, and yes he's lying to you. 

​I'm sorry if that stings my friend. Please feel free to post again if I haven't answered your questions. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean (February 12, 2018 7:47 pm)

 

February 12, 2018 11:14 pm  #912


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, Thank you so much for responding. My husband just written me a note and has admitted he has one gay encounter when he contracted hep B 10 years ago. He claims he enjoys masturbating and looking at himself in a mirror. He claims to only have one gay encounter and that after this encounter and contracting Hep B, it scared him "straight" and he does not like being intimate with a man, prefers a women strap a dildo on. He claims after the Hep B scare he has engaged in anal self stimulation. But no further gay encounters and he has limited his gay porn. (Although I found evidence on his pants and discovered a porn site on his phone) I know If I stayed with him, this behavior would continue.

He still loves me and wants our marriage to work. And I do believe he loves me, but our marriage is over. I am somewhat relived he shared with me the few details he did. He is convinced he is not gay, but it does not matter to me if he is or isn't at this point. I just know he will no longer be my husband.

I so hope and pray we can part on good terms, and continue to love each other. I don't want to hate this man, or resent the years I have spent with him.

Thank you all who are on this site for your support and guidance during the most stressful time of my life. This pain is unbearable I feel like I am going to break. 

 

February 13, 2018 12:07 am  #913


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

It's not unusual to see the story change - bit by bit.
- No, I'm not
- I thought about it but never acted on it
- except this one time, but just once
- actually it was twice...

...and on it goes, there will be a time when it hurts less, think of this like a forge that is making a new you.

 

February 13, 2018 6:21 am  #914


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Cindys and Daryl. In reply: 

1. Sean, Thank you so much for responding. My husband just written me a note and has admitted he has one gay encounter when he contracted hep B 10 years ago. He claims he enjoys masturbating and looking at himself in a mirror. He c[b]laims to only have one gay encounter and that after this encounter and contracting Hep B, it scared him "straight" and he does not like being intimate with a man, prefers a women strap a dildo on. He claims after the Hep B scare[/b] he has engaged in anal self stimulation. But no further gay encounters and he has limited his gay porn. (Although I found evidence on his pants and discovered a porn site on his phone) I know If I stayed with him, this behavior would continue. 

Has anyone ever had just one cigarette, one drink, or one puff of a joint? He's minimizing because he's scared: scared of being gay and scared of losing you because you're his last link to a straight existence. What's sad is that he's not so much lying to you as much as he's lying to himself. When he's with you, he truly believes the lies he's telling. But as you've written, the facts overwhelmingly prove that he's gay. 

2. Well he's slowly getting there.
He still loves me and wants our marriage to work. And I do believe he loves me, but our marriage is over.

I agree. 

​3. I am somewhat relived he shared with me the few details he did. He is convinced he is not gay, but it does not matter to me if he is or isn't at this point. I just know he will no longer be my husband.


​I've read similar stories from other straight spouses. There simply comes a point when the straight wife has had enough of his lies, evasions, and manipulations. There comes a point when what he says no longer matters because the evidence overwhelmingly confirms he's gay, cheating, and lying about it. 

4. I so hope and pray we can part on good terms, and continue to love each other. I don't want to hate this man, or resent the years I have spent with him. Thank you all who are on this site for your support and guidance during the most stressful time of my life. This pain is unbearable I feel like I am going to break. 

​I'm so very sorry you're hurting Cindys. You deserved better. While it's painful, take heart that everything you've so courageously shared here will help dozens or perhaps hundreds of straight spouses who may never post here. Your stories are so similar and it's astounding to see that most gay in denial husbands act exactly like yours.

​Thanks again for posting and please keep in touch throughout your separation/divorce. You are not alone.  

 

Last edited by Sean (February 13, 2018 6:22 am)

 

February 13, 2018 8:17 am  #915


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hello Sean, i posted recently #910....not sure if you saw it or not but i would love to have your take on my situation......i am struggling every day to make some sense of all of this as H is changing right before my eyes into a different person that i do not recognize....i get some answers from him but hoping you can fill in the blanks.....Thank you, Beth

 

February 13, 2018 12:19 pm  #916


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Beth I'm so sorry to have missed your original post. Before reading my answers, please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. I'm just sharing my opinions based on my own journey as a gay-in-denial husband who eventually came out and divorced. With that in mind, please find my responses below: 

1. H[usband] came out to me 5 weeks ago after an entire year of me thinking he was just having a severe midlife crisis....A year ago he seemingly changed over night into a nasty, angry, blaming person, kept telling me the things i did that were wrong that made us not a good match after 20 years, i was told we were not compatible and he was not happy and he wanted someone different than me and he wanted a new life, that was followed but months of his saying he wanted a divorce and was going to move out and mostly ignored me and i swear his eyes were black at times like he was insane.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I too put my wife though something similar. Rather than admit I was gay, I tried to act like such an *sshole probably so that she'd leave me. It was painful and unnecessary. I believe I was just spewing venom that came from my own self-hatred for being gay. My ex-wife also said I had different eyes as well. It must have been very painful for you.   

2. That went on for 6 months and then he seemed to calm down but was depressed and distant for months, he avoided me over the holidays and then 5 weeks ago told me he was gay...........He broke down, he cried, and said he has been trying to tell me for the past 2 years but he just couldn't go on any longer, said the life he was living was killing him, he could no longer be in the role of a husband (we have no kids) and he was not happy and has never been happy and he wants to finally act on these feeling he has always had and see if he will then be happy, said he wanted to make sure i was ok and then he would worry about himself...

​I'm sorry you had to go through this. Unlike many straight spouses, at least you heard "I'm gay" from your husband. Many never hear the truth. 

3. A week later he said he wasn't sure if he was gay or if he was just confused but now he is seeing someone (a guy).

I see. That must have been incredibly painful to hear. 

4. He said they just talk but not sure if i believe that, they talk and text everyday and he goes there after work and sometimes sees him on the weekends, they had one movie date that i know about, he swears that he has never been with a guy and has never acted on these feelings and has always tried to suppress them but just can't any longer.

Given what I've read here, most gay husbands stop having sex with their wives once they start having sex with men. His first sexual experience often coincides with the end of marital sex. I'm happy to share why that happened in my own relationship. After I'd had sex with a man, I had zero interest in having sex with any woman and unfortunately that included my (then) wife. Once I'd acted on my true sexuality, I simply couldn't go back to pretending. If your husband's journey is similar to mine, he's likely been having sex with men the moment his desire for you dropped off. It was probably the time he started making excuses to not have sex: fatigue; bad back; erectile dysfunction etc. My gay/straight marriage effectively ended when I fell in love with a man for the first time. So I reckon your husband probably started seeing this new guy around the time your relationship (not sex life) started breaking down. Given what you've shared, I'd say that was about a year ago.  

5. H is moving out in 2 weeks, he said he knows he is crazy to give up someone who loves him as much as i do and that he may never find that again but he feels he has no choice, said he wants to remain friends because we have been each others best friend for years. H is basically cheating on me now but he doesn't see it that way.....

                   
It sounds like he's in full-on "gay adolescent" love with his first boyfriend. My "gay adolescent" phase was a time when I reverted to acting like I was 13 all over again. It was a blur of texting, dating, going out, and thinking I was in love with my first boyfriend. But it was more like puppy love. He doesn't see this as cheating because he's emotionally moved on. 

6. This has all been a lot for me to deal with but honestly his revelation is not a complete surprise, a woman can sense when something is off and 6-7 years ago i asked him if he was gay and he said no....i feel as if i am in a fog and from reading on this site i may have it better than most because H did admit to being gay and he is being as honest as he can.......however he is distant and not forthcoming with a lot of information but will try to answer if i ask something, i have not yelled or screamed at him or kicked him out, just the opposite, i have told him several times that i love him and will always love him and i do see his pain and feel sorry that he had to hide who he was all these years but am also sorry that he hurt me.....i have no one to talk to because he is not out to anyone at all and i don't want to out him....

I'm sorry this is so confusing and painful. If at all possible, I'd suggest: 

​a. Setting a firm date for when he moves out. Separation is necessary for you to heal. 
​b. Reach out to the Straight Spouse Network for meetings or a potential contact in your area. 
​c. Contact a counsellor or therapist today and make an appointment immediately. 
​d. Start your own thread here to get support from your fellow members. 
​e. Get tested immediately for STDs because he's likely been cheating for much longer than he's telling you. 

Now is the time to focus 100% on you, your health, and your mental health. 

7. H is no longer the raging narcissist he was last year but he is still not a friend to me..............i just wanted to know why you think he is not being a friend to me when i am not mad at him, why is he being distant and doesn't really want to share his life, is this normal?

It's not normal behaviour for a normal person, but it does sound like the standard behaviour of a gay narcissist. During the "gay adolescent" phase, he'll act like a self-centred teenager. Whether gay or straight, narcissists are often very cold once they've discarded or moved on from their former partners. When you mix narcissism with a recently out gay male going through his "slut phase," he's so self-centred that he's simply incapable of appreciating your feelings. My "gay adolescent" phase lasted about 18 months before it stopped. But by then, I was already separated & divorced. 

8. How can he not see that him going out to meet this guy would be hurtful to me, can we really be friends?

My question is this: do you want to remain friends with the man he is right now? Friendship is earned and maintained. He doesn't sound like someone you'd want in your life at the moment. 

9. The only thing he really has to deal with is occasionally i break down and cry but i try not to do that in front of him because i don't want him to feel guilty.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You deserve better. 

​10. I would really like your opinion on what you think is really going on with him and if you feel he is being honest....do you think that this guy could be a long term thing or do you think H will go wild at some point? H is 48.....any opinion or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

​​If he's anything like I was, right now he's a toxic mess and you need him out of your space as soon as possible. If you're still living together, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. This means he wants the boyfriend and his wife waiting when he gets home. He can't have both nor have it both ways. All gay/straight relationships go through a "limbo" stage but it's up to you how long that should last. It's unlikely he'll revert back to being straight (or straight acting) because he's already come out and now has a boyfriend. If it's any consolation, his first relationship isn't likely to last more than a year. Why? Because closeted men often attract similarly broken partners so two emotionally wounded men aren't likely to have a long-term, stable relationship. 

​So my advice to you would be: get tested for STDs, he moves out ASAP, you get professional help, and share everything here on your own thread. I hope that helps Beth and again my apologies for replying so late. Be well. 

 

February 13, 2018 11:49 pm  #917


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, HELP ME, HELP ME. I find myself slipping wanting to believe him.
He claims he only had one gay sexual encounter which he did not like and it scared him cause he contracted hep B so he has never had another encounter with a man. And that was not him, he is not gay because he would not like a man kissing him.
He claims for the 10 years we did not have sex , all he did was self stimulate with anal sex toys and watch gay porn, that he was scared to have sex with me because he had difficulty with ED and could not have sex the normal way.
He claims after 4 years of searching he was afraid he was gay because he likes anal stimulation but his research reassured him that straight guys like it, too.
And now he has found the answer he can have sex with me if with me "pegging." Because he is now turned on by watching porn and a female pegging a male.
I had told him that I would always be his best friend even if we divorced, so he now tells me he could not remain friends with me because it would be too painful for him.

I am so afraid right now......I keep reminding myself that I found those weird stains on his pants......

He just keep saying he is not gay. Is it really even a possibility that he is only anal self stimulation and only had one sexual encounter with a man?

I reread your prior note to me, it looks like you already answered these questions.

I feel like I am being held hostage, he tells me how much he loves me, ....and I know he does, and I love him. But I am no longer sexually attracted to him, I have no trust, I don't feel safe or protected, I am not going to be "pegging" him. It seems to be all about his dam anus! What turns him on, it's all about him. I have been married to him for 43 years, why is it that it took 43 years for me to see this selfishness?

 

Last edited by cindys (February 14, 2018 12:35 am)

 

February 14, 2018 5:20 am  #918


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Cindys...

He said he caught hep B from seafood - lie
Then he said he caught it from a woman - lie

Now why are you believing this next lie?

There is no way he only did this once. He didn’t catch hep B from his first and only ever single encounter with one man.

We’ve all heard these lies. They’re lies!

 

February 14, 2018 8:00 am  #919


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Cindys and Duped. In reply: 

1. Sean, HELP ME, HELP ME. I find myself slipping wanting to believe him. He claims he only had one gay sexual encounter which he did not like and it scared him cause he contracted hep B so he has never had another encounter with a man. And that was not him, he is not gay because he would not like a man kissing him.

Of course you want to believe him. We all want to be loved. We all want our relationships to last. But the facts just don't add up. Anyone claiming, "It happened just once" is actually saying, "I only got caught once." So Hep B was first from seafood, then a woman, and now a man...sorry just "one man." He's lying and you know it.  
2. He claims for the 10 years we did not have sex , all he did was self stimulate with anal sex toys and watch gay porn, that he was scared to have sex with me because he had difficulty with ED and could not have sex the normal way.

Straight men don't watch gay porn. Period. 

3. He claims after 4 years of searching he was afraid he was gay because he likes anal stimulation but his research reassured him that straight guys like it, too.

If by "research" he's referring to having sex with the guys hanging around the local cruising park and watching gay porn, I'm sure he's quite the expert. All kidding aside, he's afraid of losing his straight existence and you're his anchor to that false self. He's afraid of being gay, living openly, and losing you. 

4. And now he has found the answer he can have sex with me if with me "pegging." Because he is now turned on by watching porn and a female pegging a male.

How generous of him. What's missing from all of this is, "I'm attracted to you." From what you've shared, he's admitted to gay sex, watching gay porn, and sticking sex toys up his *ss. You two also haven't had sex in 10 years. Gay. Gay. And gay in my book. 

5. I had told him that I would always be his best friend even if we divorced, so he now tells me he could not remain friends with me because it would be too painful for him.

​This sounds a lot like negotiating and it's part of detaching with love. Most gay/straight relationships reach a similar breaking point: his actions confirm that he's gay; he's now so delusional that even his lies don't add up any more; and the straight spouse questions whether she wants this kind of relationship any more. It's painful but you'll get through it.   

6. I am so afraid right now......I keep reminding myself that I found those weird stains on his pants......He just keep saying he is not gay. Is it really even a possibility that he is only anal self stimulation and only had one sexual encounter with a man? I reread your prior note to me, it looks like you already answered these questions.

I'm sorry you're suffering. There will come a time when you simply stop looking to him for answers. Why? Because he's incapable of telling the truth about his homosexuality. Most gay men start hiding their sexuality around age 5 or 6. So that's almost 60+ years that he's hidden his true self. You're never going to hear, "I'm gay" from your husband. He's incapable of saying the words. So let's look at the facts: 

​Fact #1: Your husband watches gay porn. 
​Fact #2: Your husband has had sex with another man. 
​Fact #3: Your husband caught hepatitis B through gay sex
​Fact #4: Your husband enjoys using sex toys for anal stimulation. 
​Fact #5: Your husband had sh*t stains on his pants that strongly suggest he's having sex in gay cruising parks. 
​Fact #6: Your husband hasn't had sex with you in 10 years. 

Based on what you've shared and my own experience as formerly gay-in-denial husband, I think we can safely assume the following:

​- Your husband is a closeted gay man who married a woman. 
​- Your husband's first gay sexual experience likely coincided with the time when you two stopped having sex.
​- Your husband caught Hep B because, on multiple occasions, he had unprotected anal sex with an infected man.
​- Your husband frequents a gay sauna or cruising grounds in your area.

​This is not a marriage. It's a lie. 

7. I feel like I am being held hostage, he tells me how much he loves me, ....and I know he does, and I love him.

Love isn't lying. Love isn't deception. Love isn't cheating. I reckon you're in love with the man he could be, rather than the man he is at the moment. You deserve better. 

8. But I am no longer sexually attracted to him, I have no trust, I don't feel safe or protected, I am not going to be "pegging" him. It seems to be all about his dam anus! What turns him on, it's all about him. I have been married to him for 43 years, why is it that it took 43 years for me to see this selfishness?

You're not to blame for any of this. I think you're perfectly justified in asking for a short-term separation so that you can clear your head. While you're with him, he'll just continue manipulating/gaslighting you. I wouldn't waste too much time trying to play detective. He'll be extra careful from now on. But I would suggest: 
 
​- Start your own thread here and sharing EVERYTHING
​- Reach out to the Straight Spouse Network for meetings or contacts in your area
​- Get a therapist and start counselling immediately, hopefully with a therapist experienced with narcissism
​- Read up on your husband's narcissism and the tricks narcissists play to manipulate their partners 
​- Once you've made all the arrangements to ensure your financial security, ask your husband to move out for a trial 60-day separation. Then post here daily to get support. You'll probably start seeing things more clearly after about 2-3 weeks. 

​I hope that helps Cindys. You are not alone so come back as often as you want. Be well.

Last edited by Sean (February 14, 2018 9:42 am)

 

February 14, 2018 10:13 am  #920


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Cindys I'm in total agreement with Sean especially on the cruising parks etc thing. However I think those stains on his paints were from a worse case scenario than what he described and more closer to what I said before. I hate to be blatant but this sounds too much like he and most likley they, (yes I believe there were two other men involved), they were in a rush to pull their pants up because they were close to getting caught. They probably didn't even get a chance to finish from both ends which explains the soil on front and back. 
The fact that he comes in joking about soiling his pants after jogging is sign that this happens often and it's common for someone to crap themselves after anal sex involving semen. That's where the Hep B came in.
If you need more concrete proof have him followed. But even if he stops he'll be right back at it once the smoke settles. And he's trying to bargain with you about the pegging thing.
He's full of shit. 
Take Seans advice and run while you can.

Last edited by Scrupulous (February 14, 2018 10:14 am)


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

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