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February 9, 2018 11:05 am  #11

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice


He's full of sh*t.  You KNOW this.  Dildos don't come with any free mags - much less gay porn mags. Gimme a break. I'm always amazed at the lies people will come up with to hide the truth.  They ALWAYS need themselves to look innocent, so they come up with something that means they had ZERO interest in the things we find. Pop-ups are a classic example of this.  Never have I ever been online shopping on Amazon for a ceiling fan and had porn pop up.  You have to be on something related to porn for porn to pop up.  And videos don't pop up when you're watching a video - other sites pop up - advertising stuff related to what you're currently looking at.  So no - if you see a video on the history, that didn't pop up; that was clicked on, even if the site itself popped up.

The Hepatitus story is also complete bullshit.  First of all, men don't get hard easier when drunk - they get "whisky dick" - where it's more difficult to stay hard even if that's never an issue normally.  (they don't always get this, but if the alcohol affects their penis in any way, that's how it affects them - NOT the other way around).  And the "there was blood on my penis" story is BS, too.  It makes him look like *all* he did wrong was have sex with someone outside of his marriage. Not even the *normal* way.  And..... oh no! I realized RIGHT afterwards that I was a victim - because there was proof via blood.  That's how I knew something was wrong, and in that moment, imagine how I felt!  He's tracing his disease back this way because if he can trace the disease back to a singular MOMENT, then he can say that he only had that one singular EXPERIENCE.  Being able to trace it back to a moment with shocking physical proof means that he never has to admit to having sex with so many people that he has no IDEA who he got it from, or when.  The truth is that disease transmission usually doesn't work this way.  If you saw proof that someone had a disease, you likely wouldn't sleep with them.  And no, Hepatitus doesn't come with "bleeding anus" as a "symptom".  You can have blood from any anal encounter - it means NOTHING.  It certainly wouldn't mean that blood proves disease, and the person would immediately fess up on the spot, because the disease was undeniable since blood was present.  That story is complete horseshit.

Sweetie, ALL of these stories are just lies.  They are the only excuses he can think of to make himself look otherwise innocent.  Even the "I enjoy anal stimulation" is that.  He used an excuse to make it look like YOU were the problem - he hid it because he felt YOU would be judgemental.  That puts the action as innocent, and the judgement of that innocent action as the evil - an evil he fully thought you'd commit.  So he protected himself from your expected judgement - but took an entire sex life away from you without a single thought. So..... he wasn't worried that taking all intimacy away from you would make you think that he doesn't love and desire you?  He's not worried about you thinking THAT - which is paramount to a relationship.  But he's worried about you seeing him as gay?  WHY would he say that?  Because he just revealed that you finding out he's gay is his greatest fear - greater than you thinking that he doesn't love and desire you.

Him wanting you to participate in this activity is predictable.  If he can loop you in, then he can normalize it - even YOU do it!  And then you'll also understand just how important this anal penetration is to him.  He's just told you that if you're willing to participate in this kink, then he can tolerate letting you into his sex life again.  It's based around the anal, not around the intimacy.  He can also then imagine you as someone else he desires, since you'll be behind him when you're doing it to him.  And then maybe if you see just how MUCH he loves this anal penetration, you'll understand just how much he NEEDS it - from someone - anyone.  If you show no interest in continuing, then you'll understand that he needs this from someone else then, right?  The entire thing is putting the onus on YOU - if YOU can accept this sexual need, and YOU can participate to his satisfaction, then YOU can KEEP him.  IF you choose not to, then it's YOU who hasn't made HIM happy, and then the divorce isn't HIS fault.  Do you see this?

It's all smoke and mirrors, hon.  The truth is that it doesn't matter if he calls himself gay or not.  Are you happy?  Do you feel loved, cherished, protected and provided for in this relationship?  Do you feel there is honesty and trust?  Are your needs being fulfilled?  Do you feel that you are as important to him as he himself is?

Looking back at my former marriage, I felt that at the time I needed an iron-clad reason to walk away from it.  I needed something that couldn't be solved - that absolved me of the requirement to keep trying.  Now,.... when I look back at it, I couldn't care less if it's seen as my fault for leaving, and if I had adequate reason to do so.  The further away from that man I got, the more I realized that it didn't matter if I could justify me leaving or not.  It's what I needed, and I was SO much better off the further away from him I got.  At this point in my life, you could tell me it was ALL my fault, and I failed at my marriage, and I'd simply say, "Okay - whatever.  I'm okay with that as long as I got out."


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

February 9, 2018 5:44 pm  #12

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Cindys I think you know the answer to all your questions but like so many of us don't won't to believe that all those happy memories were tainted with lies.

Here is something from one of your posts that really got my attention: You said you found fecal matter on the outside of his pants: One in the back by the waist band and the other in the front by the zipper. This goes beyond what we'd need to imagine but there is no simple explanation for this. First of all the back part... Even half ass wiping couldn't do that. And the same goes for the front.

This reeks of a rush job where he and most likely two other men almost got caught with thier pants down.
Just because you haven't found evidence of Craigs list or other hook ups from the computer doesn't mean he isn't getting them by 'cruising' the parks, malls or other areas where these men congregate to hook up by both verbal and non verbal communication. Sometimes they don't even bother to speak to each other. They just go off in the woods or the back of some remote location and spread their filth around and to each other. I hate to offer this disgusting graphic picture but I'll bet the fecal matter from the front belonged to another man and the one on the back belonged to him because another man had to pull out quickly as he pulled his pants up. 
Who knows maybe a wife pulled in the driveway. 

My ex' favorite thing is going around anywhere there are men and trying to catch their gaze so as to know who's wanting to play. Recreation parks seem to be his main lingering hole to catch the next fish. I doubt he does his stuff there anymore but uses it as the first initial hookup. I've got a feeling he's graduated to Grindr or some other gay hook up app since no one is monitoring his phone.
Where he goes to do his dirty deeds and with who I don't know and no longer care. That's the beauty of turning your back and moving forward. I hope you can do the same.
I'm sorry for your loss but from what I've read it really is a gain. Regardless of what you decide, my heart goes out to you as you get through this. We are all here for you and it's here where you won't be getting any BS to save face or feelings.
I wish you all the best.

Last edited by Scrupulous (February 9, 2018 6:20 pm)

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

February 9, 2018 7:28 pm  #13

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Thank you all for your advice and support. I am paralyzed by FEAR. What if I make the wrong decision, I leave him and I was wrong? What if I stay and 10 years later discover the truth, that he is gay? 

So for now, I plan to Pause. I travel for work and can distance myself from him. I have joined a church alone. And plan to have some girlfriends trips...... I decided I don't need to decide divorce issue now. But just making a few changes, using the distance plan, and giving myself the gift of time.

Hugs to you all, Cindy


     Thread Starter

February 9, 2018 11:57 pm  #14

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Cindy, Duped is correct: his explanation for how he got hep B is a lie.

You get hep B by being on the receiving end of bodily fluids from a person who has the disease. That’s why men get hep B: yes it’s from anal sex, if they’re receiving anal sex ... not if they’re giving it.

Right now, you need absolutely accurate scientific information, not information that tiptoes around something that might cause distress. So I’m going to tell you this: when people say that hep B is spread by anal sex, what they mean is, it’s spread by semen, so the way men get it is by having sex with other men.


February 10, 2018 4:21 pm  #15

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Well, we had conversation number 3 today. He will never admit is is gay. But I now know the truth, he was deceitful, he has betrayed me, and he is probably gay or bi, but my marriage is over after 43 years. He admits he was afraid he might be gay because he likes anal stimulation, but researched it and then says he know he is not. Claims he "talked" to gay guys at a bar, and that gay guys are nice people, but he could not imagine being with a guy. He claims the only gay porn magazines he ever had was what I happened to discover 12 years ago and theses recent 3 gay magazines were free with a dildo. That he does not like gay porn. But I searched his phone and saw he was looking at a gay porn magazine on line. The more he talks the more ridiiculous his stories are. When I asked him how he could penetrate a female in the anus when he is drunk and would usually have a limp dick, he claims at the party they were putting pills in the punch bowl and he doesn't know what could be in there! And that one sexual encounter is when he contracted hep B. 

He claims even though he had erectile dysfunction issues, that he still has needs to meet , and I should of never had a hysterectomy, and when I was sick for 2 years, he still had needs. So now he blames me. I told him, I do not think I can continue a marriage like we are good roommates, he says their are all kinds of marriages. But he still wants to try to be intimate with me, and wants be to wear a dildo...........let me tell you right now I would love to shove it up his ass!!!!

Sorry for being so vulgar. I intend to divorce, and do my best to part on good terms with him. I do love him, but realize he is very complex and certainly not the man I thought he was.

Onward.......Thanks to all of you, I know I am not crazy or losing my mind, and I know I will be OK, but there is still a lot of pain, and hurt ahead.....I am just hoping I can skip the anger phase, at 63 years old, I don't have time for anger.

Always, cindy

     Thread Starter

February 10, 2018 4:51 pm  #16

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Ugh what a load of crap he’s talking. If he’s not gay he’d be chasing women and asking them to do stuff with his bum. Instead he’s at gay bars with “nice gay guys”.

Of course he blames you, that’s what they alllllll do! Mine did it, everyone else’s did it. And to blame you for having a hysterectomy, well that is just shitty.

It is painful but you sound sensible and strong. Just remember 99% of the stuff he says is utter bs


February 10, 2018 5:35 pm  #17

Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

He's dumping his guilt on you, that's all.

I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to speak at all, if he refuses to speak truthfully.  Anything he does to exonerate himself comes at a cost to you -- so unless he's willing to take responsibility and own up to what's going on, he shouldn't be given the opportunity to cause you even more pain, on top of what he's already caused you.

You've caught him in enough lies already, and by his digging in, he's forfeited the right to be believed any more.  He's forfeited his own credibility in the interest of avoiding taking responsibility.  

If I ever screw up the courage to confront my husband, the first thing I'm telling him is that he's sacrificed his own credibility and he doesn't get to toss out any more highly implausible explanations for anything, ever again.  One of these days I"m going to get up the nerve to post my story.


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