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February 9, 2018 11:51 pm  #1

Can some People not mend and have permission to end

I realize this is a touchy subject in the US and for religion for some people.  But it is a real question- if you are like an animal that mates for life and suffers and lives a bare shadow life  of going through your day and feeling nothing a year later  after losing your mate. Is the "Suicide option" really so unacceptable. There is such a taboo and shame associated with this.
I am a person that mates for life. Gave my life  and my whole my being to a relationship that no longer exists, Today I was innocently looking for something in my still husbands email and came upon a vacation plan that costs more than our yearly morgage common charges and all expenses. He is very angry and I saw the evil  stranger side again. This was the final straw showing me our marriage is OVER  I am not even human to him and have been deluding myself that he will return. He said he reinvented himself and I cant move forward, He is right.. Ive had  therapy for a year.  I'm not going to get better.So if your heart is truly broken and you cant move forward is dying so bad?. I have tried a few times and obviously they failed I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to feel shame or be told I I am a quitter.  For MY personality there is no recovery. I heard there are assisted suicide clinics in the US. I tried to buy pillls from Mexico but the whole thing seemed sketchy. Anyone can private message me if they have a reliable contact or have some  info on assisted suicide in the US if you are not terminal. I  get the whole save everyone  mentality is ingrained in most people. But really some people can't survive this trauma  and a kinder option than a razor blade would  be appreciated.


February 10, 2018 12:04 am  #2

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Sweetie please don’t. Your life sucks, I get it, but when one of us needs you, there’s a reason for you to be there for us. I know it’s bad. I’m going through it too. If you can’t think of a way to help yourself, you still might help others.


February 10, 2018 12:11 am  #3

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Andrea - please call 1-800-273-8255
It's not the number you want but it is the number you need.
You ARE human, you are worthy, you are deserving of so much more. We all know how hard this road can be but it can be walked. Sometimes we all feel too tired to continue walking it. There's no shame in that. That's when you need to reach out for help. Please do so. Please, please, please!

Last edited by Daryl (February 10, 2018 12:15 am)


February 10, 2018 2:24 am  #4

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Andrea. Now you've taken this step and actually typed out & posted what you're thinking.... does it make you feel?

There are many of us here who perhaps have thought about ending it as a way of stopping the 
anguish and the pain, but posting it to this forum, amongst men & women who know how you 
feel....that sounds like a step further. 
*I* for one can't take that step because it would mean the man who changed my entire
world with one fucking admission would continue living his life. My death, while an escape 
for me....would be a gift/a letting free to him. And he doesn't deserve that freedom. 

So far.....the anger I feel is greater than the pain

*no longer between a rock and a hard place*

February 10, 2018 3:24 am  #5

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Do not let him win.  Do not let him rob the world of the wonderful person that is you.  You may have mated for life but your life can go on and be great.  You just can’t see it now and that’s understandable.  You still share a home, holding out hope for this relationship on a daily basis is causing you pain over and over.  I hope you can find support and a plan to leave him and start a life where you put self care first.  Try it please before you make any rash decisions.  We care about you and want you to go on to the happiness you deserve.


February 10, 2018 3:49 am  #6

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Please do not leave us. Call the number that Daryl suggested. You will immediately have someone to talk to.

You sound like a wonderful and empathetic person. Please share more of your story with us. You are wanted here.

Last edited by Goonnowgo (February 10, 2018 3:50 am)


February 10, 2018 10:34 am  #7

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

PLEASE call and get help for yourself. I remember those feelings a few years ago, you are in the thick of it now, but you WILL get through this, I promise. You are strong, beautiful, brave, and worthy. And you can survive this trauma.


February 10, 2018 1:40 pm  #8

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

You may not feel it right now but you are more than this!   You are greater than this mess we find ourselves in.  Turn the love you hold for him on yourself.  You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy.   Will you “get over” this?  No it’s part of your journey and who you are.  Use it for good.  There is someone out there that needs to hear your story.  I believe that God has allowed me to walk through this journey(I’m very much still in the thick of it) because someday someone will cross my path that needs me to understand.   You CAN do this.  Love yourself enough to fight.


February 10, 2018 5:50 pm  #9

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

In response to how I felt when I wrote the post I honestly hoped someone would understand and maybe arrange a discreet delivery of nebutol for future use or suggest a clinic in the US. My husband found an off switch & moved on. I CAN'T. I tried. I failed therapy. At this point I am supposed to be online dating . Furthest thing from my mind.  I guess I was asking  for validation. Someone to say if you can't survive this, its okay to quit. It won't be added to your list of failures and inadequacies.  This is not an impulsive decision. The three tries before were impulsive . I have no anger anymore.  I'm just want my life over.  My mother is in hospice.. My weekends are spent caring for her. I tested gene positive and most likely will share her fate. 48%. So here I am genetically defective and abandoned by my mate.  Once the anger is gone and you read all the self help books there is no winner. If  taking our home, business, bank accounts,  bring him joy- great. I'll settle for peace and no more suffering and sleepless nights. Honestly, people need to be more open to allowing a dignified exit. . People can turn gay and abandon their spouse but if your not on board with the journey you  have to live through it.  For some this can be a religious nightmare. Obviously religion  not an issue  for me since I'm arguing assisted suicide.


     Thread Starter

February 10, 2018 6:59 pm  #10

Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Andrea.  While all the emotions you feel are justified, taking your life is not.  Don't let him take that from you.  You have years of life left and despite the pain you are in now it will get better.

Please reach out to the suicide hotline or get in touch with us at the SSN.  We have people who can help.

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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