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Wed Jan 24 10:38 pm  #11


Re: Empathy

Goonnowgo wrote:

Thank you, Rob. You are so kind and supportive. I think I just need to vent sometimes. I am still in an alternate Universe.

We hear you here.    Part of me coming here then  and now and why i went to therapy is to know I wasn't crazy.   My GX essentially threw all her morals, values, vows, promises and cultural taboos out the window..   But she acted , to this day, like she was morally right and everything she was doing was ok.     It is an alternate universe for sure..all we can do is leave that universe.      Vent away....but know you are not crazy.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Feb 2 6:52 am  #12


Re: Empathy

Goonnowgo, 

I feel your pain... damn that being an empathic type.  But I too feel devastated still by the deception and I am now nearing two years divorced and three post-disclosure.  I still can't believe how he lied so convincingly and made me the baddy in the end.  It destroyed so much of who I thought I was.  I feel liberated a bit now and keep having to go back and look more baldly at my marriage and all the terrible arguments that ended in him just flinging abuse at me because he had nothing else to contribute as to be adult and actually address his emotional distance and withholding was not an option.  I was demanding and causing the upsets by asking for support from my husband instead of criticism and contempt which is what I was fed on.  Once the betrayals were revealed, all came crashing down.  It is like an accordion of memory that just collapses your world.  All the reveals and lies are exposed and I feel still like I was abused in the most horrific way, yet even my sons express it as,  "well people do bad things, but it doesn't mean they are bad."  He gets excused.  He was repressed sexually as a religious type blah blah blah.  Wasn't as invested as you were"  I just think how empathy for him (and other GIDXs) is easy to access.  

Whereas I feel like I am more pitiable because I didn't know, therefore I am a victim and that makes me angry.  My ex threw that at me at how I want to garner sympathy and manipulate to do so.  But it is just so hard.  I have a good life and we are no contact and I am getting my business up and running, but I suffer badly with a sense of hopelessness and depression.   I was out with a friend and inside I just feel numb at times as I can't seem to access the joy and happiness that occasions merit.  Xmas I felt like a good actress trying to stay out of the eddies of despair that pull me in at times.  I don't want sympathy, but when my sons seem to think I am okay I do feel somehow that I want them to know how hard this is.  Yet it isn't fair on them.  I'm suffering with depression which results in that sense of lacking enjoyment in life.  But when the past has been blighted by such a big lie for soooo long..... anyway I feel angry and cynical too

Goonnowgo...I think it a bit justified given our experience....  The rotten oak tree aka marriage we hung onto for shelter actually fell on us!!!  Shit happens.  And hopefullly you get over it... I keep waiting for that to happen.... I still feel a bit pinned beneath that tree I lent on for 27 years.  In that tree metaphor the GIDX is the one that pushed it over onto you....and you didn't know it was rotten or unstable.  So the shock grief and after effects are huge!!  Especially as they knew all along about the rot!! And if you are like me, blamed you endlessly.  

 

Fri Feb 2 8:06 am  #13


Re: Empathy

Leah,

You expressed it well...  The no fault divorce states like I'm in give them something to hide behind also..a legal closet door so to speak for us here. 
There will always be naive and ignorant people who just think..."oh there are two sides to every divorce". My last therapist was one.  Heed them not..They don't want to hear it...Its their cognitive dissonance...they have no idea what we went through and even if we told them they could not comprehend or believe it..they don't want to...our stories are right out of a horror movie..who would believe them..I think God would.

All these years later I'm no contact.. my GX remains a monster ...perhaps she is a saint to others ..but to me she is a monster I keep in the basement..useful for picking up my kids and driving them places etc.
We keep our friends close and our enemies closer.

There is a sadness they left us with..it looks like bitterness or anger sometimes..but its a sadness. So far all I know how to do is try to replace that with something else.  I think,there would be something wrong with us if we did not possess that sadness.  And that is what separates us from them.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Feb 2 9:03 am  #14


Re: Empathy

Rob,

Your message resonates with me I am one year post divorce and have contact only when its about the kids. Yes there is a sadness that permeates everything in my life. I have no desire to look for another relationship , i just want to build myself up again. And yes I agree with you that this may separate us from our gay ex spouses. Mine jumped into relationships again with glee and is seemingly unaffected with the upheaval though tries to put on a remorseful front. I am not fooled anymore. I have gone through a stage of great anger now i am at acceptance it is what it is now I have to work on myself. The sadness is there all the time but now and then the sunshine comes through with the happiness of being with my kids. I am grateful for this board it helped me in my toughest times and i still read everyday if only to remind me i am not alone, i will get through this, we will get through this. Hugs and peace everyone.

 

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