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Thu Jan 18 12:55 pm  #21


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Brassyhub wrote:

.......But there is a tragedy and a loss: neither of us have experienced, or will experience, the full joy of a sexual connection through desire with another.

What a heartbreaking post Hub.Over the time you & I have got to know a bit about each other....I've tried to 'marry' the aspects of your situation and mine, just to compare what's happening in each. So far the biggest difference  has been that I have all the sex I want. But I have no trust in him. I would rather have less sex....no sex if I absolutely had to.....if I could get back the feeling of complete trust I once had


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Thu Jan 18 1:19 pm  #22


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

walkbymyself wrote:

Hi, Elle. I guess a lot of people reflexively react with well-intentioned advice, and I do listen to all perspectives out there, but at my age divorce can be catastrophic. So I think I want to know if there are people who have opted to remain married. Can you mentally and emotionally separate yourself from TGT and live a satisfying life, maybe not the marriage you signed up for but at least enter into the final stage of your life with financial means and health insurance, and all that. Rather than endure the disadvantages of being married, can’t we instead enjoy the advantages?

Walk *hello   At this time we are successfully separating it.....but only because we're tip-toeing on eggshells so to not upset the cautious calm between us. As for a satisfying life....ours is.....except for the fact he has these desires that don't include me, and I know about it. Lately he has seemed often...even quieter than his usual self. Bit like he's had his emotions covered with a damp towel. I've been like this for much longer, but I now know that my 'damp towel' is a protective wall to ward off being hurt again, whereas he has never been in great touch with his emotional self. So mentally & emotionally....we are different, and the elephant in the room (I try NOT to reduce our life to a series of capital letters, and feel using jargon too easy for what's happening to me so don't like using them) has changed our lives so monumentally that *success* will have to be redefined, as for most couples with a desire to stay together. Most importantly..both people in the relationship have to both be on board in the quest to make it succeed.
No secrets, open communication, taking each day as it comes and on its own merits

 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Thu Jan 18 1:33 pm  #23


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Brassy, I'm sorry for all the pain you've gone through but it's good to see you're in a good place now.

Doingmybest, thanks, your words are very encouraging.  I actually may be seeing a counselor or therapist -- actually, unrelated to all this, but my dermatologist is treating me for a condition that's exacerbated by stress, and she was kind of insistent -- but anyhow, I guess I really need to sort out what I do want from my life, and what can be changed, versus what won't ever change.  I don't see my husband ever, ever admitting to being gay.  On the other hand, I once would have thought it impossible that he would even be gay, much less cheat on me, much less cheat on me later in life after everything we'd gone through.  So clearly I'm not the best judge of what's possible or impossible.

Elle: we cross-posted, but I totally get what you're saying about having your emotions covered with a damp towel.  It's a good analogy, actually, I might borrow it!  

I don't "need" a husband, nor do I "need" to be single.  At my age, what I want is to have a satisfying life with what's in front of me right now.

Last edited by walkbymyself (Thu Jan 18 1:35 pm)

 

Mon Jan 29 9:58 pm  #24


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Brassyhub I am right behind you. 57 year old male, 25 years married, and I want her to come out of the closet, at least to me, for my vindication. But she just hints that she wants to play for the other team. Coming out would probably destroy her career. She doesn't even know how I would react although most of the time I am cool about it. Even the most gentle conversation will push a suppressed person off their hinges. Plus she has an overactive thyroid which can be really unpleasant.I vacillate from cosmic irony, not giving a ****, and liking the house and dogs too much to do anything. I know if I go down the therapy road it will take time and besides, I'm cheap. It took me a long time to want to read articles about it. I really don't want to chew up a therapist's time when all I want is someone to listen my tantrum. Or me saying "I'm so ****ed." So I am hanging in there for now. I will not throw out any useless bromides to anyone, but I have legitimate hobbies to distract me. Blessings on all of you from the almighty, whoever that is! 

 

Wed Feb 14 12:56 pm  #25


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Just lost a long-ish post with a wrong 'click'! My therapist/hypnotist/pastor has helped me to see, recognise and FEEL the heroic character of our marriage, and of us both, for sticking together. Our marriage, the two of us together, means a lot to others, and we simply have to accept that, humbly. Where we may feel incomplete, broken, frustrated, others see something rather different: an older couple who are very good friends still, who share a lot, and who care deeply for each other and for others, and who don’t pretend to be better or stronger than they are. Who without being very open about the exact nature of their challenges (i.e. their MOM) are pretty open about their doubts, their struggles with God and faith. My dear wife in particular has real gift for friendship. Whereas I was asking myself if my life and my marriage were massive and now irredeemable mistakes, I now feel proud of what we have built and made together. There has been and is immense pain and cost (to us both), but life is smooth and simple for no-one. All couples face challenges and difficulties. We’ve faced ours, and accepted them.

So I think I'm coming to a place where I'd say we have a successful if sexless MOM. And that while I'm sometimes frustrated and wish things could be different, I accept that they are the way they are, and I'm mostly at peace and relatively content...

 

Sat Feb 17 7:16 am  #26


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Hi Brassy hub
You said your therapist suggested you knew what you were getting into.  I thought that was very interesting.
It had occurred to me that maybe the things that attracted me to my partner are the qualities he has because he's not straight.

When people asked me what I saw in him I would say he was funny and I would say he was nice.  He was the first guy to take me for a coffee and actually talk to me and seem interested in what I was saying. He wasn't predatory or aggressive.
 
I haven't had a lot of luck in the male department.  Starting at 13 male attention changed and I can put myself on that metoo list for multiple incidents of sexual assault and harassment.  I wonder if this is why I would choose a partner I felt overly safe with.

Other women feel safe with him too, he has female friends and I've never had any issues with that or suspected any sort of affair. Turns out he's not straight and that's why. 

Vicky


 
 

Sat Feb 17 11:53 am  #27


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

My therapists point being - I think - that our unconscious led us together, both of us. Unconsciously, she felt that I was a man that she could trust, and feel safe with, as you say. This still leaves me in the not completely satisfactory place of a sexless marriage! But I DO feel a degree of peace and acceptance, and we DO have a good life in every other department.

 

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