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December 13, 2017 2:20 am  #51

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

OK So my first post was about 3 months ago when I attempted to come out of denial after evidence  of husband being gay presented itself Again.

Last 3 months we have had more communication, time spent together, and sex. But I feel I was the only one putting in the effort.  Thats stopping now.

Tonight very disturbing evidence surfaced and once again the emotional rollercoaster is back.  The future scares me.  I know he loves me but not the way I want to be loved.  I should feel sorry for him stuck to something he probably wishes he didn't have to.  I decided NOT to let him know what I found. 

My confidant says that this is a major turning point. Accept and go along with it or divorce.  I need to have a serious talk with myself and set new goals and be kind to myself as I go through this. 

It hurts so much to know that I can't satisfy him in the way that makes him happy.  Oh right....I don't have a penis. 

What next?  Im already on anti-depressants.  I think support is so important at this time.  I would appreciate advice and encouragement from anyone out there who has lived this.  Will I be happier without him?  I am not sure if I could be a mixed-marriage couple.  No surprise I feel I'm missing out on something.  This really sucks


December 13, 2017 7:51 am  #52

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

When I read your "It hurts so much to know that I can't satisfy him in the way that makes him happy" I thought one thing that indicates where you are in this process is that you're still thinking of HIM rather than YOU.  Do you think he's sitting around thinking how much hurt he feels because he can't satisfy YOU in the way that makes YOU happy?  His actions say no, he isn't.  His actions say he's willing to sacrifice you to his closet, and that is not the action of a man who loves you. 
  You will have to start putting yourself first, and that is going to be very tough.  It's a process. One step in the process is asking yourself what is acceptable to YOU and what YOU need and want in your life. 


December 13, 2017 11:12 am  #53

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Hi Rose,

I was in the same boat for the last 5 years, trying to figure out how to work this out with him. I was the only one doing the work, of course. I finally came to realize that it doesn’t even matter about the gay stuff, he doesn’t treat me the way any normal loving person would, he knows nothing of honesty and partnership, even though I’ve been so supportive and ok with all his attractions and feelings. I don’t know if he’s such a mess because of all his GID stuff, God knows we (I) have tried to work through it with him in therapy for 4 1/2 years and twisting myself into a pretzel for him. Nothing is ever enough, I’m not enough, I’m sure it’s because, like you said, I don’t have a penis. Whatever it is, I’m ready to move on and be done with this hell I’ve been living in the last 5 1/2 years, married 5. Guess the first 6 months were nice, so the last 5 years. I too am on anxiety meds and doing all I can in solo therapy and talking to friends. I wish you the best, this is not easy, especially when you love them so much.

     Thread Starter

December 13, 2017 2:26 pm  #54

Re: Is he gay or bi? Is there hope for this marriage?

Yep I also don't have a penis! How warped that for a while I got really upset that he preferred "women" with penises and jeez I didn't have one! In fact him preferring the sight of himself in female clothes over me in them (because he does have a penis!) is a kicker! Seriously no straight woman needs to feel they are missing a penis! Of course he isn't into men though! Yeah right, course not - funny how all his porn was either men or men pretending to be women, and they have a penis. I don't. Seriously this stuff is enough to put people on meds. I'm sorry you found more of whatever it was Rose, please put yourself first, you deserve much more. You too Jamie.


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