Thank you RW and Majenco. Your support is a blessing and so appreciated. I SO need you now.

I am out for tonight with my son. I'm not sure what to do now but he definitely has the upper hand. He knows it. He's playing that card. When he finally started to talk to me today (he spoke first, not me), he said he would keep my son & I on his work's health insurance for one year. What, did he try to take us off claiming divorce and they said no? or is his new lover on the job giving him the skinny on divorce? He'd be so gracious to us to keep us on his insurance. My hero.

Ok, A LOT of a narcissist's game (his anyway) is what is IMPLIED by what they say, not what they actually say. That way he can intimidate INDIRECTLY & simply just say he never came out and said or did what was implied. I misconstrued, twisted his words etc, etc. It's called gas lighting. So why is he saying he'll do me this favor? What is implied? The obvious manipulation is that he has all the income (= power) and His Graciousness would extend his hand for one more year to the needy (left in his wake) BECAUSE WE ARE GETTING DIVORCED. Divorce was only implied though. He never mentioned the word divorce. Isn't he so honorable to do this for me? We are already on his insurance. Why else would he be talking about extending it one year for? One year after what? Talking about extending it to me for one more year is indirectly saying he is agreeing that we are getting divorced. I so busted his bubble when I said that his insurance would allow me one year after divorce by default anyway. He was so deflated. Really deflated. He was almost depressed about it. I told him the state insurance is pretty good here (so much better than his insurance) so I might just get on that insurance and drop his anyway. Of course, I really don't know if I could do that but it felt good to say it anyway. He, deflated, said "I thought I had the best insurance" with a pouty face.

So my point is this. An hour later, when I'm getting ready to leave, I ask him what he is planning to do. Stay or leave me & my son homeless and ruin my credit as we just signed a 1 year lease. Dumb, dumb, dumb. He flipped his position on divorce. Prob bcz I was the one talking about it. He raged at me once again just bcz I was saying that if we could agree to disagree & be civil to each other while we take the time we both need to transition to our next step without violence, police and child protective services that would be ideal. Still dreaming. I told him my rage would be calmed if we could just agreed to disagree bcz it's the yo yo that causes my anger. Why was I giving him my play?? He started to rage again saying "It will never work bcz you will gas light me (he would NEVER even know that word if I hadn't told him about it). You can't guarantee that you will stop bitching and raging at me 24/7. I know you won't stop. So nope. If that's what you want (agree to disagree) then I'm leaving by the end of the week". I just had to hear it one more time. I just had to confirm the danger I was in. The brick wall I am throwing logic at. He quoted the past "The last time I agreed to this you lied to me and did what you wanted to do anyway".

He's referring to our separation at the end of 2015 when we were living on a farm with other families there to be trained in the Native American way of farming. We'd be getting land to do the same (farm & teach). A 2-year training & 2-year apprenticeship program. Turned out to be total bullshit too. They saw right through him, his temper. He raged in front of others enough times for a group meeting (everything was voted on) to discuss his removal from the program, strike 3 you're out. Just one more - of course, they won't get into anything we do in our own place, the leader says. Oh boy, giving him the right to be abusive without accountability, great. He would sneak to our place in the middle of the day to take naps or play PS3 when everyone else was busy feeding animals, chopping wood for tonight's fire (it was winter and snow was coming). He felt completely entitled & had no problem with skipping out on work.

My son & I caught some stomach bug from hell from who knows where. I have never in my life had such painful  bowels in my life! Right up there with child birth. It was excruciating pain and then I'd have to run like hell to the bathroom and didn't make it several times. I wore what feminine napkins I had left to protect my last pair of undies. Sorry for that visual, guys. And we had one washer & dryer for three families. My son had it too but less severe than I did, thank God. But we were both bed ridden. I was up most of the night on the toilet, crying. I did wake him up by crying in pain a few times but he was out. In the morning, we are supposed to start chores at 6 am, feeding animals & changing waters, checking for babies, deaths etc - rabbits, quail, roosters, chickens, cows, goats, sheep and 2 horses but still a small farm. They were dog breeders too. And only four adults to take care of it all. The owners sequestered themselves in their home, "The Office" doing "business" to keep the animals fed & sent their SEVEN children to us for all three meals. Their SIXTEEN year old son was in charge of US ADULTS. Nothing as promised in the "contract" No training, no program. Just fend for yourself & learn the hard way. So he did not want me to stay in bed if he couldn't. He started to rage at me that I was just faking my pain to get out of work. He was so horrible and I was in such utter shock to be hearing this that I sat with my mouth open for five minutes as he stormed out the door cussing me out & not putting more wood in the fire. It was heard by the couple next to us. I was in too much stomach pain & dry uh, hmm retching (I did not know you could retch on the south end, like dry heaves!). I was a mess. An hour later he came smiling in the door in a chipper mood with a cup of coffee for me, "Hey hon, I brought you coffee. How are you feeling?". Coffee!!! Really? I was in shock again and exclaimed who was that raging person in my house an hour ago? "Oh, sorry about that. I was just upset and didn't want to get up. I gotta go now & work really hard for you since you're sick. I'm gonna take up your slack." Awe, how sweet of him, the little angel.

The people there were aware of what he was doing, raging bcz everyone can hear him from a mile away. He couldn't hide it. He raged at the dog, at others etc. They pulled me aside and asked what I would like to do bcz they were planning on kicking him out & they wanted to give me the opportunity to stay with my son as they were happy to have us. They asked me to choose bcz they would not allow him back on the farm & he cannot come back to visit. It must be 100% no contact etc etc. But I am free to go if I want to reconnect. Of course, they were trying to tell me I needed to stay away from him etc. Trying to convince me I deserved better & so did Caleb. The other couple, the woman, took me under her wing (another abusive manipulator. I must attract them) until that became very bad for me too. Too much happened there in just a few short weeks after he left that told me I was not going to be treated well there at all by anyone. A major he-said, she-said & extreme competition started to happen. I couldn't understand WTF was going on. I was a city girl, knew nothing at all about animals. Yet I was expected to just do it. "Treat them like your kids & you'll do just fine" the owner said to me. They didn't have time to "spoon feed" me. OMG! 

The day he was kicked out there was a horrible meeting, a vote, which I had to say "yes" to vote him out along with everyone else, face to face. My son was glued to the door even though he wasn't supposed to. I thought he would rage & go berserk but of course he did the opposite and left peacefully with his tail btw his legs. Feeling like the victim of course. Everyone cried. It was so horrible. I was NOT allowed to mourn. I was told to get over it & get to work. I was okay until the snow came. I've never lived in the snow. I had California clothes (mild weather) no boots, no jacket, just Nike shoes, jeans & Tshirts. Animals died on my watch in the snow. I was blamed for it. I wasn't learning fast enough. I was demoted to "easier" animals to take care of. Nothing was easy. Everything was broken & had to be rigged. It quickly bcm an abusive situation where I had no means to meet my own basic needs. There's much more to it all. Such as, my husb was being looked at as a sperm donor, Oh yeah. That was a shocker. So much more but I finally asked him to come & get me out. 

He was staying with a man, a Veteran about 58 yrs old. Hmm, perhaps a room in exchange for sex?? I'd believe it now. I would never even dream of it then. So gross! He had a 3 BR house and was divorced and not in contact with his ex wife or his older children and grandchildren. Wonder why? He agreed to allow my son & I to live there for one month. It turned into 5 months and we were getting more and more stuck there as the snow came.

With no where to go, I asked him to take me where my daughter and grandchildren were (CPS had them at that time). I imagined he would drop me off and go back home to CA but he never left. It just happened that way. Sex was basically absent & when it was done it was without any care for my needs. So typical. I got back into martial arts for about 6 weeks. While I was in class, he waited outside in his truck and that's when the cross dresser incident happened. It was too out there for me to believe as this character was extremely drugged out and small framed & not very desirable looking at all. I never dreamed he would do something with someone who looked like that. So his fantastic story of "warning the poor guy not to cross dress bcz he could get killed if a guy thought he was a woman" or some crap similar to that. Again, so out there, it is a perfect disguise.

So this drama of being kicked off the farm & separation is what he was referring to when he said tonight "We tried that (agree to disagree) before and it didn't work!". What part of YOUR ANGER PROBLEM GOT YOU KICKED OUT has anything to do with agreeing to disagree? NOTHING! He's gas lighting. He's crazy and believes his lies. He's just letting me in on the mental gymnastics he is doing to make what he wants to do feel justified. I guess I do have to treat him like he has a disease called Narcissistic Opportunistic Parasite. New acronym, y'all. NOP.

This is my documentation. I was advised to keep a record. A lot of it is here with times and dates. A lot of it is hand written in over 50 pages I wrote while he was in his Candy Shoppe. You know, the phase where I accepted and he thought that meant agreement/going along. So he allowed himself to explode with excitement, like a kid in a Candy Shoppe with $100. I've never seen him so excited & turned on. It was a HUGE shocking eye opener. I was in shock, frozen and completely in a dissociative trance as I watched his true colors shining through. Again accepting (and observing intently) but not necessarily agreeing. I was entertaining the idea, of course, I think we all do when we are blindsided with something like this. But I quickly became grossed out. I started to think about it incessantly. Wait, I don't want to be a promiscuous whore just bcz you came out bi, do you?? I told him he is OBJECTIFYING men, everyone as a sex toy. I feel sorry for any man that crosses his path. He said there were too many willing partners. Just because there are abused & confused people abusing themselves & allowing others to abuse them too doesn't mean it's your Candy Shoppe. I just don't want to catch an STD so I finally settled with the fact that I worked too hard for monogamy to give it up now. I mean to agree to a form of polygamy, open sex relationship. No thanks. It was tempting for about a minute. I was forced to think of myself. Oh my! What did I want? That was horrible bcz I realized how numb I had become. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I had to work on that for over a month. The beauty of a relationship for me is that it is exclusive. No one else in the world can do what I do for him & visa versa. That is what I believed I had. I was lied to for 11 years. Now I'm gonna say, no problem bring those boys/TS & whatever else into our bed. Why not? My moral values mean nothing to me. They change to suit the needs of my partner 100%. Whatever he wants bcz he has done the same for me? Uh, no. Of course, he doesn't believe in marriage. He married me bcz I wanted him to & bc of left over Christian imprinting (that's supposed to be an insult. As he is an Aleister Crowley fan). He believes in open sex with anyone always when ever. It's all good. At least he has said as much in conversations but denies it when it is convenient. He smokes too much pot & does not realize how much he tells me when he is stoned out of his mind. He forgets very easily and very conveniently. 

It took this long to wake up. I had to ask myself what I wanted. I was so confused. My counselor just kept trying to get me to focus on myself. I refused. I would ramble for an hour and a half all about him. How he is hurting me. I wanted her to help me to form an escape plan. But nothing really about me & what I want. I think around the 5th "unloading" session, I mentioned my son by name and she stopped me and said "Do you realize that is the FIRST time I have heard you speak of your son?" I was like, "Well, DUH!", but still didn't get what she was really trying to say to me. Until she stopped the sessions that were specifically for my trauma therapy. She said I need a marriage counselor and/or my own general counselor first rather than a trauma therapist. That I could not work on my own step father trauma (like a form of ptsd they say) until 'the soldier comes home from the war. You are still not home from the war." I could return to process my own trauma after I complete skills training. Interpersonal skills, emotional intelligence tools, emotional self control tools, focus on YOU tools. She knew what she was doing. I sit in a room every Tuesday with women who feel EXACTLY like I do. Who struggle to love themselves, forgive themselves and to have an ounce of compassion for themselves. I don't feel so alone. We cannot talk about personal details though. And I doubt any of them are going through this GID thing but you never know. 

I did some college counseling with a psychology student. It was all about goals (of independence - job, car etc) but not about the deep issues. It was free and that's a great price for my budget. But now I will find a way to pay $40 a visit with insurance bcz I see the emergency need in getting one on one help. My son is now receiving one on one trauma therapy. He's going to have a lot to say to his counselor on Tuesday. I am worried about a cps call but I shouldn't be bcz I'm protecting myself now. As long as I keep doing that, it will be okay. The group facilitators are aware of the situation.

Ok, time to sleep. I think I got it all out. For now. Much love to all who go to war & come out alive to help others on their difficult journey.