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Wed Sep 20 1:58 pm  #771

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Sean, lots of great info and validation, I need it and can't really talk to people other than a few friends and my sponsor about this. And I really meant I was going to help him be gay, be his "fag hag", doing anal play on him and helping him to not be scared to go be gay. I felt so bad for him that he didn't seem to have much information and had been so sheltered in life. As far as pegging, I actually put on a strap on and did him in the butt a few times, it was actually pretty hot and I didn't mind it, just seemed like from that point everything was about him and him fulfilling all his fantasies. At that time he was having major premature ejaculation issues and I wasn't getting my orgasms, finally had to be blunt and tell him he needed to take care of me too, could be his fingers, vibrator, whatever. He really had no long term sexual relationships in the past, guess no woman ever explained to him about female orgasm and how women are like an old car and men like a sports car, women need to be warmed up.

He did quit the pot within the first year,  but it took years of explaining to him that I wasn't trying to control him, this was about me and that pot was my drug of choice and I wouldn't have dated him or married him if he was going to do it. All the drinking, same thing, I don't expect him to not drink, just not over drink to the point of being a retard or throwing up. So many things were about "control" with him. Dude, I'm not trying to control you, I'm just trying to get you to understand where I'm coming from and follow through with who you said you were, what you would and wouldn't do and what goals of mine you were going to help me reach. I was so open about who I was and what I wanted, that hasn't changed. The only thing I have gotten in our 5 years was my plastic surgery, and I needed it. Was 300 pounds 7 years ago and had weight loss surgery, so lots of saggy skin, maintaining 140 pound weight loss. There was another post, not sure if it was yours? About the wife with an eating disorder and coming from alcoholic family, that's me! Mom was bipolar and alcoholic, dad a drug addict and not there for me, I became an alcoholic as a teen and got sober shortly before turning 19, I crashed my car on my 18th bday, killing my friend who was the passenger. I was also molested by my stepdad for years from 10 to 13, right under my mom's nose, she was drunk and I had to depend on this guy. So anyway, I've been in years of therapy, but I see I'm the prime type of person to fall into this crazy situation I'm in, ugh.


Wed Sep 20 2:41 pm  #772

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

More to add to last reply, I got married at 22 to a man in AA who had a 3 year old daughter, mom was out of the picture and I wanted to nurture this little girl and be her mommy and loved this guy, but more of it was probably about his kid and my lack of nurturing growing up. We married and had a son a few years later, I raised his daughter and worked full time. This man left me when our son was 5 months old, and there went my step daughter. A year later I started dating a guy at work, not totally attracted to him, but he was a great guy, loved my kid, wanted to buy a house with me, so I went. Did everything for my son, wanted him to have stability and a great life, the life I didn't have, his dad was not much in the picture after the divorce. Anyway, I had a daughter a few years later with the second hubby, was never really sexually attracted to him but he was a good dad and we had a good life, eventually I was so lonely in the marriage I blew up to 300 pounds. Everything in my life was about the kids and being super mom, I worked half time for 12 years and volunteered at school, Little League, daughter did soccer, gymnastics, etc. just made everything about giving my kids a good life and being there for them.

We became foster parents to 2 girls that were friends with my son in middle school, I just had to help these girls, again, more of that I wasn't nurtured and I had to nurture and help these girls, no matter how sucky my life was. We did this for a couple years.

Finally after my weight loss surgery I realized I wasn't going to be successful staying in this marriage and had to end it, son was out of the house, daughter was 14, gave my husband the option to stay married and raise her and date other people, he said no and wanted a divorce. So during the divorce I was sleeping with every guy who walked, I had years of pent up sexual energy to get out and I lost my freaking mind for about a year, which was when I met my current hubby. So I can see there were so many issues at play here, my losing my mind, my being this nurturer who is trying to fix my own past, etc.

Last edited by OCJamie (Wed Sep 20 2:43 pm)


Wed Sep 20 3:00 pm  #773

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

More things keep coming up that I forgot to mention, I made us a profile on a bi dating site a few years ago, was serious about going through with it, he's the one that backed out. He just didn't want that in his life and wasn't sure how he would feel about himself if he actually went through with it. Fast forward 2 years later, made a profile again with his blessing, we were talking to people, he backed out again, even got hostile about some of the men calling them "faggots", I had to laugh at that one, he's got some serious denial going on. He wants so bad to be straight, and I get that, in what world, especially in his macho world, would being gay be ideal?

Last edited by OCJamie (Wed Sep 20 3:03 pm)


Wed Sep 20 5:11 pm  #774

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Share as much as you like Jamie. Again, I'd urge you to get tested for STDs. It's quite common for gay-in-denial husbands to act like homophobic bigots, but it's just a manifestation of their own self hatred. I'm inclined to think that your husband didn't choose his trucking job by accident. Why? Because it would be the perfect cover to spend time away from home...potentially hooking up with other men. You've spent a lot of time and effort getting back into shape so I need not explain to you that your sexual health and mental well being are just as important as how you look on the outside. So I recommend getting tested for STDs and only practicing safe sex with your husband going forward. I've read too many posts from devastated straight spouses. Why? Because they believed gay husbands who swore up and down that they weren't having sex with men only to discover the same husband tested positive for HIV. Be careful my friend. Thanks again for sharing.   

Last edited by Sean (Wed Sep 20 5:14 pm)


Wed Sep 20 5:53 pm  #775

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Yeah, he is only local delivering and comes home every night, if long haul trucker, I would totally get that.

But I understand what you're saying and will get tested.

Last edited by OCJamie (Wed Sep 20 5:54 pm)


Mon Oct 2 9:01 am  #776

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Good morning SSN. I recently received the following message from a new member who promptly deleted the account. So I'm posting his brief message here because it's a very informative window into the mindset of a straight spouse's partner. If you are the person who sent me this message and want me to delete my post, please just let me know and I'll promptly remove it. From what I understand, this person recently came out as transgendered (or "TG") and reached out to me.  

1. I'm newly out or self confessed whatever the hell you want to call it. I know that I didn't marry feeling TG [emphasis added by me], and I for the most part I haven't had an interest in TG or acted on it till last year. It was like a fantasy or identity was reawakened from the past where I wanted to be that non passing TG, and I wanted to be with another TG.

I have ZERO experience with transgendered people and issues related to transgendered spouses "coming out" if that is the correct term. So I'd invite spouses with more experience to post their stories here. But the person who messaged me provides an interesting example of how f*cked up the gay (or TG) spouse can be during the coming out process. Here the spouse claims he didn't marry feeling transgendered and then immediately contradicts that same statement by referring to "reawakended" feelings. I believe this is similar to me stating I loved my ex-wife when I married her when that was completely false. I married my (then) wife as cover or to have a beard because I didn't want to be gay. While I know nothing of the TG mind nor the psychology surrounding people who identify as a gender other than their own, I don't believe someone simply wakes up one day and wants to be a different gender. If his experience is similar to my own, the feelings while denied were lifelong and may have started during childhood. 

2. I've been married 10 years, and up until last year did not have any issues except off and on str8 porn with Femdom desire. I have a heavily churched background which makes me feel utterly rancid for thinking this way, and reading some of the posts on the board, especially about TG spouses makes me feel even more horrible... there is part of me that just wants to try to beat the hell out of what my wife doesn't believe is me, go thru counseling, go thru some sort of sex addiction program and stay married just so she doesn't hurt.

I've rarely read members share that religion helped them through their journeys. My own religion, Catholicism, condemns homosexuality while strangely defending sex abusing priests. It's all very confusing. Getting back to this person's post, this struck me: "There is part of me that just wants to try to beat the hell out of what my wife doesn't believe is me." I think this should read: "There is part of me that just wants to try to beat the hell out of what I don't believe is me." His wife is blameless so I don't believe it's fair to shift the blame nor responsibility on her. 

3. I'm not a super selfish person and one thing I've realized is I've committed to be there for her and my daughter.

This is what all narcissists truly believe. While the non-straight (or TG) spouse believes this, I know from experience that we're actually incredibly self-centred and the above messages are clear proof. 

4. But voluntarily coming out - not with all the details felt like a weight off my shoulders. i felt free, i felt honest, i felt glad that I didn't have to have my bra or panties found (LOL) or a passionate email to be confronted.  

I felt the same thing: unburdened. Very few gay or TG spouses come out suddenly nor voluntarily. Most posts I've read here share similar stories: the straight wife suspects; finds proof; and then confronts the gay/TG spouse. There is then a long period of denial or rationalization before the gay/TG spouse reluctantly admits that yes they are gay/TG. My own coming out followed this same pattern but it came at a price. Why? Because while I felt free, I simply shifted the burden to my (then) wife. But again these statements appear to contradict themselves, namely that this wasn't an issue until last year. I think the more accurate statement would be, "This wasn't an issue until my wife caught me and started asking questions last year." The statement about emails suggests a very long history or cheating. 

5. Of course I have a fantasy of slowly rebuilding my life with a rented room, then a small apartment and that's enough; and fantasy of not having to suppress or feel guilty, that I can take my time to really heal, and take my time to meet new lovers like me (not right now... coming out for me has actually helped me not put up CL ads or talking to submissive men who want a Dominant TG) I only write now the older ones who are semi friends, just to talk about coming out.

More word salad. Acting out was apparently recent but there appears to be a history of Craigslist (or "CL") messages. I'm not bashing the TG husband who messaged me. I think this illustrates an interesting phenomenon: namely that gay (and perhaps TG) spouses would happily continue living in denial until confronted by their straight spouses. In my case, my wife confronted me which forced me to admit I was gay. This brings up an interesting point. Had my ex-wife not confronted me, I probably would have continued living a closeted life and I think it's safe to assume that this TG husband had a similar experience. He claims that he's only grappled with being TG for a year, whereas I firmly believe my own issues started around age 5 or 6. Perhaps straight spouses who have TG husbands (or ex-husbands) can share their experiences. Do TG feelings/issues come up in childhood? 

6. Sean can you re-assure me I did the right thing, I know it's emotional, but I'm feeling absolutely horrible and like I should have never uttered those words. Did you endure these feelings... I'm committed at home to not be a bastard no use malice or deception.. But fuck I feel awful like guilt that i wont be there to see my daughters expressions... Ideas, thoughts? hopes?

While I've been highly critical of this person who so bravely messaged me, I do feel empathy for him, his wife, and their daughter. I hope I haven't betrayed his trust by posting this message here. 

So why did I share this private message? First, I shared this message because it is a fascinating example of how the gay-in-denial (or transgendered-in-denial) spouse thinks. The blatant lies that this was somehow all new or recent, while clearly sharing a long history of cross-dressing, Craiglist ads, and cheating, are examples of my own mindset of the year following the confrontation with my then wife who long suspected I was gay. Second, there was a very subtle shift to blaming the straight spouse. He wrote: "There is part of me that just wants to try to beat the hell out of what my wife doesn't believe is me." That's f*cked up. Gay/straight or TG/non-TG relationships fail because of the gay/TG spouse...not their straight spouses. I too tried to blame my wife for being to controlling, bossy, sexually demanding etc. Thanks to my time here, I can now accept that my relationship failed because of me. Full stop. Any attempt at shifting blame is just my gay-in-denial narcissism flaring up. I can now confidently write that my wife was blameless. Our marriage ended because of me. Third, I'd like to clear up the myth that we gay (or TG) spouses are somehow heroes for coming out and "living our truth." While this may be the narrative from the LGBT community, I think it would be more accurate to write that we came out only when confronted by our brave straight spouses. And I suspect this TG husband had a similar experience. While he claims to have only started his journey a year ago, I reckon he's long acted out on the TG/crossdressing but got caught a year ago. If he's anything like me, the journey only began because his wife was brave enough to confront him. I know for a fact that had my wife not confronted me, I'd still be living in my closet, using her as a beard, and emotionally abusing her to keep her in a loveless marriage. So the true heroes are the straight spouses like my ex-wife who loudly proclaim "BULLSH*T" because they know they deserve better than sexless and abusive relationships. 

I hope that helps my friends. And if you sent me the message and would like me to take down this post, please let me know and I'll take it down immediately. 

Last edited by Séan (Mon Oct 2 9:11 am)

     Thread Starter

Mon Oct 2 10:37 am  #777

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I think us tg-partner/spouses recognised this bloke for what he was Sean, interesting to read your take on it though. I expect he had a very large less-than-hidden agenda. As we know, they lie,lie and lie some more!

Now i think I must go attend to my recently awakened desire to be a daffodil, I hope all my friends and family accept me!

Last edited by Duped (Mon Oct 2 10:39 am)


Wed Oct 4 10:02 am  #778

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I have a question  My husband told me he was BI 2 years ago... I am confused as to where this leaves us.  We still have sex occasionally...I wish he had told me from the get go.


Wed Oct 4 10:36 am  #779

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions


How long have you been married? Did he tell you because he’s cheating on you with men or just because he’s thinking about men?


Mon Oct 9 2:27 pm  #780

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Iamme and OCJamie. I'm afraid I can't comment on your situation Iamme as you haven't provided a lot of detail. Can you post more information? I look forward to hearing from you again. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the site's admin Phoenix for creating the following "Success Stories" thread. I recommend you read the uplifting stories there. Here is a link:

Phoenix also recently posted something else that I'd like to share:

"I would have to imagine that living a double life from the early teen years onward would cause a person to develop in a way that most would consider broken.  I think when the focus of a person's life becomes keeping a secret about themselves it causes that person to focus entirely on themselves.  When you focus on yourself entirely I think two things happen.  1. obviously, you become very selfish.  The world is about you alone.  2. you under-develop other skills related to loving other people and interacting with those you are close to.   If you are focused on hiding the real you, you never learn how to truly love another person.. how to put them first, how to be truly compassionate and caring.  Instead you learn to manipulate relationships for the purpose of hiding that secret.  That's the narcissism that is prevalent in our relationships.  (not all.. but many).   At the core of it all is simply selfishness.  They learned to protect themselves and manipulate those around them rather than learning what true love looks like.  True love is selfless."

​Wow. You nailed it! My gay-in-denial life started about age 5 or 6. I remember because I expressed an interest in a handsome (male) lifeguard at camp and was sternly rebuked by my older sister and her friend. So I hid my true sexuality for 30+ years and only said, "I'm gay" to my then wife at age 40. I came out to my family at age 42. Living most of my life in the closet was like the emotional equivalent of tying one of my arms behind my back while trying to paddle a canoe through rapids. Phoenix is absolutely right: I chose as a partner someone who had been raised keeping secrets, namely a father's alcoholism and her mom's depression. I also chose someone who was strangely drawn to my brooding darkness. That's how she defined love and for a time it worked. ​In the beginning, when it was just the two of us, she paddled along fairly well. But the stress of raising three kids, managing a move back to her village in Europe (a huge mistake), while also trying to contain my gay-in-denial toxicity finally exhausted her.  Near the end of our marriage, it was as if she was frantically paddling our canoe alone in circles as I barked conflicting orders from the back. Months before I asked for a divorce, she made me an offer: we'd stay together and live platonically for another twelve years until our youngest was 18. Like so many others who post here, we were going to stay together, "For the kids." Once the children were grown, we'd then divorce amicably. As Phoenix shared: "They learned to protect themselves and manipulate those around them rather than learning what true love looks like." True! I didn't know what true love was then, perhaps still don't, and maybe never will. But I'm learning what honesty means. When my (then) wife made that selfless offer, I knew a simple truth: neither we nor our children would survive such a toxic relationship.

​Why am I sharing all of this? In my opinion, Phoenix is absolutely correct. Being gay-in-denial stunted me emotionally, rendered me completely incapable of appreciating other people's emotions, and I was a black-belt narcissist. (Perhaps it's more accurate to describe myself as a 'recovering' narcissist.) I've been completely out of the closet for three years and divorced for two years. This forum is full of heartbreaking stories of straight husbands and wives who's lives are turned upside down because of gay spouses. It's taken me a very long time to admit that I never loved my wife. I loved only my closet which means my marriage was a lie, a farce, a sham.

But if there is anything I've learned from my 10+ months exchanging with you on this forum and from my own experience, it's this: there is no light in a gay spouse's closet. Love, happiness, and joy can't exist in the dark. In my opinion, gay/straight marriages don't work and if the couple chooses to stay together, it will be at enormous mental and physical cost to both husband and wife, as well as the children. I join my fellow members ( and wholeheartedly agree that while separation and divorce are hell for both parents and children, I would NEVER go back into that closet nor force the beautiful and kind woman I married to live in that dark place again. As hard as the first few post-divorce years were for my ex-wife and children, they're now thriving...without me.  

​If you're reading this, you suspect your spouse is gay, or have just heard the words "I'm gay" from your husband/wife, I truly feel for you. It's devastating. The weeks, months, and years after discovery are very dark years indeed. And the first few years following separation and divorce can be even worse. But I'd encourage you to consider a life outside of your spouse's dark closet. Please take care of yourself (perhaps for the first time in your life), post your full story here, learn from your fellow members how to detach with love, and start living a joyful life...either on your own or perhaps later with a new partner. I hope that helps my friends. Thank you for reading.    

Last edited by Sean (Mon Oct 9 4:34 pm)


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