Jennifer,
I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through. My father, who was bipolar, with paranoid fantasies that he was being stalked, killed himself, so I know that the aftermath is an avalanche of pain. We all feel guilt even though we know the decision was theirs and motivated by interior, not exterior forces, and we all want answers to our questions, and part of the pain comes from the uncertainty, from knowing that we will never get those answers.
It's important right now that you take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and find someone to talk to so you won't be isolated and alone.
Again, so sorry.
