OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Making it work.....monagamously

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 19, 2017 9:07 pm

Hmm...yip, you're right. The elephant in the room is still
the elephant in the room..!!
But upping my serotonin levels and evening out my emotional seesaw
may help me get further, and let my eyes see clearer. At this time my
sadness overtakes every other emotion so I don't ever have a clear focus
of my options, or believe I have the strength to change my path

**Posted by walkbymyself** January 2, 2018 4:58 pm

I'm reading along because I'm mulling over my options.

I think where I am leaning towards right now, is that I don't need to be single just to be single. I worry that in being too hasty to divorce, I would end up compromised financially, and it may be better for me to get an agreement for spousal support and an agreement that we are going to live out our golden years separately. But, I'm still not sure. Our daughter is grown and about to graduate college, so there's no question of child support.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 3, 2018 1:31 am

walkbymyself wrote:
I'm reading along because I'm mulling over my options....

There are ,I believe, many who mull over the options, not wanting to make the wrong choice....before
they're ready. Just about everyone here who said...."why did it take me so long to leave"....took years
sometimes to break away.

Ellexoh

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 5, 2018 2:19 pm

Another step in my path to accepting......that I am the one who holds the decision-making power in this relationship.

Pros for staying; financial security, friendship/sometimes lovers, easy life, no pressure
Cons of staying; no trust that what he says is true, forever unsure of my place in the r'ship, loving a man whose
gender is fluid...who says he'll quash his desires

Pros for leaving; an emotional weight lifted off my shoulders
Cons for leaving; ....replaced with the other emotional weight of failure, no job, no financial security

I've had a tough few days

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 21, 2018 6:28 pm

Learned 2 days ago that 'he' could not remember me asking for....nor himself promising me ....monogamy.
But, this time, gave it "grudgingly" (his word).

I know about allowing him, begrudgingly, to do something and know how THAT worked out. This is one step forward....then two steps back. Damnit.

On a lighter note...I have written an opinion piece for a newspaper, about the oft-unacknowledged individual
in the turmoil of these r'ship equations. It sits in Draft....waiting to be sent

Last edited by Ellexoh (January 21, 2018 9:13 pm)

**Posted by Brassyhub** January 22, 2018 4:10 am

Send it. Part of our path forward is simply following the intuitions that come, doing what seems to be right, and trusting. I've just posted a letter to my brother and sister-in-law, 'coming out' to them, that we have a 'mixed orientation marriage'.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 22, 2018 1:59 pm

Brassyhub wrote:
Send it. Part of our path forward is simply following the intuitions that come, doing what seems to be right, and trusting. I've just posted a letter to my brother and sister-in-law, 'coming out' to them, that we have a 'mixed orientation marriage'.

I did it. Emailed it, text my counsellor that I had, then logged in here to tell the MOM section and saw your post! How did it make you feel? to write it to people close to you?

Last night *he* spoke of shackling/locking his genitals while I'm away for a week soon. So....while I've been angsting over his begrudging promise of monogamy.....it's been such a non-issue to him that he's focussing on HIS sexual needs and obsession, thinking of his own gratification.We are poles apart.

It's a strange feeling..writing all this down, in a specific section (MOMs)......the stage of my journey where I'm at...
of a site I no longer feel as welcome in as I did when I first found it......

Last edited by Ellexoh (January 22, 2018 2:34 pm)

**Posted by Brassyhub** January 23, 2018 8:29 am

Sorry that you don't feel so welcome here, Elloxoh. I'm sad. Do you want to tell us why? I hope that all here will support you in whatever choices you make. Only you can make them, and only you can guess what's best for you, and what might work. Few MOMs 'work': that is a statistical reality, and for those of us hoping, wanting, intending, working to stay with our current non-straight partners, we need to know that the dice are stacked against us. But then none of us are just statistics. I personally resonate to your list of pros and cons, and I think I'll work on my own. Hang in there!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 23, 2018 2:26 pm

Brassyhub wrote:

Hub. With the creation of the MOM section...I feel there's now an uneasiness with the rest of the site because of the different way we're tackling our r'ships & issues. I commented on the main boards and was basically told I shouldn't be. I've been very careful not to post there, and my comment, on the way another post had been phrased.....wasn't about the topic as such...rather the words, and the emotion behind them...used in the post.

It was a mistake to venture in there and I'll try to not repeat it.
I will be more circumspect about where, what, who to and what I reply to

Yes....I realise few MOMs work, and that the odds are stacked. But I see it all, everything I'm going through, revelations about how I feel about myself, and my partner, as individuals, the new steps I'm taking, my resolve
that gets stronger....I see it all as personal growth....

The fact all this could end as just a statistic,
another r'ship failure....won't be because I
went through it blindfolded and unaware

Last edited by Ellexoh (January 25, 2018 1:04 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 14, 2018 12:40 pm

Last night he said he just wants me to "be happy". I said "how can I be
happy after yr email telling me you have a desire to be fucked by a man?"
He said "I wish I hadn't told you anything, and I won't tell you anything again"

Ironically...he told me this on Valentine's Day ( which he thinks is a silly celebration)

I was trying to fit all the broken pieces back together, and all this time he's been trampling them into even smaller pieces...to make his life easier

I can't do this anymore.
And I don't belong on this particular board either

Last edited by Ellexoh (February 14, 2018 12:42 pm)